Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids

by Meghan Daum, Meghan Daum (Editor), Meghan Daum (Introduction)

Overview

Sixteen literary luminaries on the controversial subject of being childless by choice, in this critically acclaimed, bestselling anthology

One of the most provocative and talked-about books of the year, Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed is the stunning collection exploring one of society’s most vexing taboos.

One of the main topics of cultural conversation during the last decade was the supposed “fertility crisis,” and whether modern women could figure out a way to have it all—a successful career and the required 2.3 children—before their biological clocks stopped ticking. Now, however, the conversation has turned to whether it’s necessary to have it all (see Anne-Marie Slaughter) or, perhaps more controversial, whether children are really a requirement for a fulfilling life.

In this exciting and controversial collection of essays, curated by writer Meghan Daum, thirteen acclaimed female writers explain why they have chosen to eschew motherhood. Contributors include Lionel Shriver, Sigrid Nunez, Kate Christensen, Elliott Holt, Geoff Dyer, and Tim Kreider, among others, who will give a unique perspective on the overwhelming cultural pressure of parenthood.

This collection makes a smart and passionate case for why parenthood is not the only path to a happy, productive life, and takes our parent-centric, kid-fixated, baby-bump-patrolling culture to task in the process. In this book, that shadowy faction known as the childless-by-choice comes out into the light.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781250081643
Publisher:	Picador
Publication date:	04/05/2016
Pages:	288
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.20(h) x 0.90(d)

About the Author

MEGHAN DAUM is a columnist for the Los Angeles Times, the author of The Unspeakable, My Misspent Youth, Life Would Be Perfect If I Lived in That House, The Quality of Life Report, and the editor of Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed. Her essays and reviews have appeared in The New Yorker, Harper's, The New York Times Book Review, Vogue, and other publications.

Table of Contents

CONTENTS




Introduction by Meghan Daum — 1

Babes in the Woods by Courtney Hodell — 11

Maternal Instincts by Laura Kipnis — 31

A Thousand Other Things by Kate Christensen — 47

The New Rhoda by Paul Lisicky — 63

Be Here Now Means Be Gone Later by Lionel Shriver — 77

The Most Important Thing by Sigrid Nunez — 97

Mommy Fearest by Anna Holmes — 119

Amateurs by Michelle Huneven — 131

Save Yourself by Danielle Henderson — 14

The Trouble with Having It All by Pam Houston — 163

Beyond Beyond Motherhood
by Jeanne Safer — 185

Over and Out by Geoff Dyer — 197

You’d Be Such a Good Mother, If Only You Weren’t You by M. G. — 209

Lord The Hardest Art by Rosemary Mahoney — 227

Just an Aunt by Elliott Holt — 245

The End of the Line by Tim Kreider — 261


Acknowledgments — 275

Contributors — 277

Editorial Reviews

Anthologies aren't famous for changing attitudes en masse, but at the very least this one gives voice to the complexities of assuming and enjoying a 'child-free' life....The sixteen essays are cleverly arranged, creating a satisfying intellectual and emotional arc....The reader is treated to nearly every reason one might choose to forgo having children.” —Kate Bolick, The New York Times Book Review

“[A] searing collection...The child-burdened should come away from this engaging collection with a rich sense of what they have missed.” —Katie Roiphe, The Washington Post

“A round of applause to Meghan Daum for putting this book together....Entertaining and heartfelt.” —The Boston Globe

“Provocative.” —Elissa Schappell, Vanity Fair

“The 16 essays—variously funny, devastating, infuriating, insightful, and, yes, occasionally smug—not only dismantle the assumption of selfishness, they shed light on a stigma that's remained stubbornly pervasive...Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed is generally very strong, bringing together a diverse range of voices and styles to riff entertainingly on a subject that has seemed, up until now, unriffable. But as a collection of manifestos, it's hugely significant.” —The Atlantic

“Some [essays] are moving, some are clear-eyed and straightforward, and some are straight-up funny.” —The Guardian (London)

“I highly recommend the book. Each essay is unique and thought-provoking.” —Bitch.com

“Refreshing for this reader, who's a parent but who also has no trouble identifying with non-parents; though we might come to different decisions (to become parents or not), we still worry and ponder and project in similar ways...The anthology's variation in tone proves that, like those with children, the childless aren't some monolithic group with identical motives....It's this kind of open-minded honesty that will move the topic away from its limiting us versus them binaries.” —Edan Lepucki, The Millions

“Shallow conversation-changers are nowhere to be found in this searing collection.” —The Huffington Post

“Oftentimes hilarious and heartbreaking, and riddled throughout with truth.” —Minda Honey, Los Angeles Review of Books

“The most recent and high-profile addition to the developing canon of writing by childfree women on their lives—and recommended reading for anyone who wants fascinating, thrilling, and occasionally frustrating insight into the lives of the childfree.” —Bustle

“Potent and sorely needed antidote to this toxic myth comes in Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids, edited by the brilliant Meghan Daum-a writer of rare aptitude for articulating the unspeakable. The contributions-sometimes witty, sometimes wistful, always wise-come from such celebrated authors as Geoff Dyer, Anna Holmes, and Sigrid Nunez...Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed is a nuanced and necessary read in its totality.” —Maria Popova, Brain Pickings

“Maybe I really am selfish, shallow and self-absorbed. But at least I'm not alone, and this collection was a fantastic reminder.” —BlogHer

“[An] absorbing collection....some entries are heart-wrenching...while others are downright hilarious.” —Publishers Weekly

“A taboo will linger until someone writes lyrically enough to destroy it. Here, sixteen writers finally say what women are never supposed to but what we all know is true: pregnancy seems terrifying, birth even more so, baby lust passes, and, just as with men, work, creativity, and love affairs can crowd out everything else. Also, who really cares about getting a Mother's Day card? My three children are of course perfect in every way and yet, the longer I am a mother, the more it's obvious to me that it's not for everyone. Any woman who shares that instinct: Ignore your grandmother. Read this instead.” —Hanna Rosin, author of The End of Men: And the Rise of Women

“I've never needed approval for my decision to go childless through this world, but there've been times when I wanted company, a sounding board, a friend who wouldn't take the wrong way my desire to be occasionally ecstatic about not having babies and all the opportunities it affords me. Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed is all that and more. It's sweet, heartfelt...utterly (and by design) the opposite of its title. It's a triumph of honesty and sincerity. I imagine returning again and again to its many smart and caring voices.” —Hannah Pittard, author of Reunion and The Fates Will Find Their Way

“Put aside your moralistic assumptions. The sixteen probing essays collected here show how deeply individual-and varied, rich, and colorful-are the paths by which people arrive at the decision to not have children. This has to be one of the best of the many anthologies about women's (and men's) life stages-there's a lot at stake here for the writers, and for the readers as well.” —Katha Pollitt, author of Pro: Reclaiming Abortion Rights and The Mind-Body Problem

“To her illustrious list of literary accomplishments, Meghan Daum must now add brilliant anthology editor. In this thoughtful, hilarious, gorgeously written collection of original essays by anything-but-the-usual-suspects, Daum has taken a taboo subject and turned it inside out so that we see the seams, the stitching, and the bloody guts of one of the most personal and complex decisions any of us can ever make. This is a wonderful book.” —Dani Shapiro, author of Still Writing and Devotion: A Memoir

“Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed doesn't seek to settle the issue of children vs. childfree. But it will make you think. It will make you sit up in your chair. As a parent it provoked a strange reaction in me—a mirror to the same defensiveness I perceived in so many of the essays. But that is a good thing. Daum's assemblage of these essays does what it's intended to do: inspire us to think about why we live the way we live....A provocative collection that will inspire a lot of conversation.” —The Rumpus

From the Publisher

The 16 essays are cleverly arranged, creating a satisfying intellectual and emotional arc…the book ultimately does the great service of attending to that most powerful anxiety, the fear of future regret.

The New York Times Book Review - Kate Bolick

01/12/2015
Contrary to the title, none of the 16 essays in this absorbing collection reflect particularly selfish or shallow motivations for childlessness. As Daum points out in her introduction, she and the other writers surveyed here “are neither hedonists nor ascetics,” nor “do we hate children.” Some entries are heart-wrenching—especially Elliott Holt’s “Just an Aunt”—while others are downright hilarious. Geoff Dyer announces that he’s “had only two ambitions in life: to put on weight (it’s not going to happen) and never to have children (which, so far, I’ve achieved).” He pegs the latter goal in part to his reaction to the argument that having children gives life meaning, which rests on an assumption he doesn’t share: “that life needs a meaning or purpose!” In one of the more rigorous and thoughtful essays, Laura Kipnis deftly argues that the so-called maternal instinct is really a “socially organized choice masquerading as a natural one.” Pam Houston questions the familiar social message that encourages women to “have it all” by juggling motherhood and a fulfilling career. Elegantly giving voice to her childlessness, she observes that “love, like selfishness and generosity, is not exclusive to one demographic; it infuses every single thing we do and are.” (Mar.)

Publishers Weekly

02/01/2015
Author and columnist (LA Times) Daum wrote a lengthy piece about choosing not to procreate, which was published in the New Yorker in 2014; she then reached out to 16 of her fellow childless (or child-free) writers. In what occasionally feels like a bi-coastal support group, 13 women and three men discuss their feelings and experiences. The essayists all appear to come from the educated, if not the upper-middle and middle classes. Almost all of the writers go to great lengths to say that they like kids and often enjoy their company more than that of the parents (a hilarious exception is Geoff Dyer's class-warfare screed against the hyperprivileged kids in his neighborhood). Many of the women discuss proudly their abortions; several mourn their miscarriages. Of note is "Antimom," Lionel Shriver's rumination on how the "be-here-now" lifestyle could change the racial makeup of the Western world, Laura Kipnis's and Anna Holmes's takedowns of competitive mothering, and Sigrid Nunez's recounting of never feeling safe as a child. Many themes are repeated, such as the conviction that one cannot have it all—motherhood and a fabulous career. The men's contributions seem tacked on and perhaps beyond the scope of this volume, and one wonders if this collection would have been better as a TED panel discussion. VERDICT For libraries with feminist collections, for fans of the featured essayists, and for those who are considering a child-free life. The questions and answers presented here are sure to stimulate discussion and debate. [See Prepub Alert, 10/27/14.]—Liz French, Library Journal

Library Journal

2014-12-13
Daum (The Unspeakable: And Other Subjects of Discussion, 2014, etc.) compiles essays from a group of noted writers—including Kate Christensen, Geoff Dyer and Lionel Shriver—holding forth on the topic of deliberate childlessness.The quality of the writing is uniformly high, but read as a whole, the pieces become repetitive and bleed into one another as the same notes are sounded over and over again. One prevalent theme concerns the oppressive conventional wisdom that holds parenting as life's most profound and worthy calling and the stigma attached to those who choose to forgo children in the interest of other pursuits. Other recurring motifs include the incomprehension of others regarding the writers' choices, the artistic sacrifices necessary for conscientious parenting, resentment of the physical demands of pregnancy and childbirth, frustration over prescriptive gender roles and the self-annihilation associated with domestic responsibilities. Thirteen of Daum's contributors are women, and three are men, but the perspectives and insights offered by all of the authors remain more or less uniform. A few of the essays touch on childhood abuse perpetrated by parents as a deterrent to procreation, but the majority cite a dedication to the writing life—and the profound disruption to that path that having children promises—as a primary motivator in remaining child-free. Regret over the decision to not have children is notably absent from the book; the authors here largely profess a sense of satisfaction and relief about the choices they have made. It's a sentiment worth considering but perhaps not 16 times in a row. Other contributors include Laura Kipnis, Sigrid Nunez, Anna Holmes and M.G. Lord. A courageous defense of childlessness and a necessary corrective to the Cult of Mommy, but Daum's collection could have benefitted from a more diverse pool of contributors and a fuller consideration of contrary opinions.

Kirkus Reviews