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CHAPTER 1
Play Hooky for a Day
"Exhaustion is not a status symbol."
— BRENÉ BROWN
I had just wrapped up an intense two-day consulting job in Southern California. I was sitting in my rental car, trying to drum up the energy to drive to the airport and catch a plane back to D.C.
My phone rang. It was my son, Andrew, who was helping me with my business. He must have sensed something in my voice because he asked, "Whazzup, Mom?"
"Andrew, I'm so exhausted, I don't even know how I'm going to get on the plane tonight. I've got to take a red-eye and then turn around in a couple days and fly back to the West Coast."
He paused, then decided to jump in. "Mom, there's something about you I don't understand. You've created a life where you can do anything you want and you're not taking advantage of it."
Wow. Out of the mouths of twenty-somethings.
He didn't stop there, "Why don't you stay there the next few days? I'll book you a hotel and you can handle your business from there."
Andrew was right. No one was forcing me to fly back to the East Coast. I was my own boss. I could do what I wanted. A half hour later, I was checking into the Laguna Beach Hotel. A half hour later, I was falling asleep to the sounds of the ocean outside my open window. Bliss.
The next day I followed another piece of Andrew's advice. He had said, "Mom, you've been working so hard, you deserve a break. Why don't you play hooky for a day? I've got this."
What a concept. As a single mom and small business owner, I'd been going nonstop for decades. The thought of waking up when I wanted and not having back-to-back appointments all day made me feel like a little kid getting away with something.
Sleeping in the next morning was sumptuous. I dawdled over a cup of coffee and then headed into town to explore. As I strolled Main Street, I was drawn as if by a magnet to a bookstore. I gravitated to the writers' section and started thumbing through old favorites by Anne Lamott and Julia Cameron. As I did a voice welled up in me, "I am a writer. That's who I am."
The voice was as real as if someone were speaking to me. Actually, someone was speaking to me. The author I'd buried in busyness. The author who spent most of her time consulting, who'd had no time to work on a new book for two years.
Please understand, I was grateful for my career. Katharine Graham of The Washington Post said, "To do what you love and feel that it matters, how could anything be more fun?" Well, the only thing that could be more fun is to do work you love with people you enjoy and respect and get paid for it. That's what I got to do, so I was not looking a gift source (intentional) in the mouth.
Still, what this day of hooky was bringing up was that I had set aside a passion for my profession. I spent most of my time helping other people get their work out in the world instead of getting my own work out in the world. And it was taking a toll on my soul.
Standing in that bookstore, inspired by the muse, I promised myself I'd get up early every morning and write, just like bestselling author John Grisham did before he hit it big with his blockbusters. I headed back to my hotel, turned the desk so it faced the ocean, and spent the rest of that day gazing out at the water and drafting my next book.
Gloria Steinem said, "Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else." That's how writing feels to me too. When I'm getting thoughts out of my head and onto paper (or my laptop), I feel like I'm doing what I was born to do. The world slips away and I am in my element. What does that for you?
What Would You Do If You Could Play Hooky?
"Tomorrow is another day. But so was yesterday."
— RENE RICARD
What is it that, when you're doing it, you don't want to be doing anything else? How long has it been since you've had time to do that?
If you could play hooky for a day — and there would be no repercussions and your responsibilities would be taken care of — what would you do?
A thirty-something named Carl said, "If I could play hooky for a day, I'd spend it in a garden digging my hands into the soil and planting things. I grew up on a farm. My parents put me in charge of our family garden when I was ten. I felt so grown up that they entrusted me with that. I spent hours watering, weeding, planting, and picking. I loved it so much I wasn't even aware of the passage of time. I left home for college and then stayed here in the city to work. I didn't realize until right now how much gardening meant to me and how much I miss it."
I told him, "When you have something that makes you feel that good, it's like having the answers to the test. There's no mystery about what would make you happier. All you need to do is find a garden and start spending some time in it."
He said, "Sam, I live in an apartment building downtown. That's not going to happen."
"Get creative. I bet there's a community garden somewhere near you. Or maybe even a botanical garden that welcomes volunteers. Could you check that out?"
Guess what? Carl now spends a couple mornings a month in the potting shed and greenhouse of a friend who's a commercial landscaper. He told me, "This is ideal. I get to dig my hands in the dirt and work with plants whenever I want — or not — and it doesn't cost a thing."
When You Daydream ... What Do You Daydream About?
"If you ask people, 'What is your passion,' they often freeze. They feel as if they have to give an amazing answer like 'Feed the world's orphans.'"
— DAN PINK
Please understand, what you do on your day of hooky doesn't have to be grandiose. Like Dan Pink said, it doesn't have to be "amazing" or noble. This is your day. You get to do exactly what you want without apologies or "shoulds." It can be a bucket list of things you've been putting off or an all-day nap. You have complete freedom to do what's been calling you.
Still not sure what that might be? This Happiness Quiz can help. It only takes a few minutes and can help you identify specific things that could make you happier now, not someday.
Here's how to take the quiz. Have you ever played a word- association game in which someone asks a question, and you're supposed to say the first thing that comes to mind? That's what you want to do here. Please write down whatever pops into your mind, even if it's not "nice." No one needs to see this unless you want them to. You won't be graded on your answers; it's not like a job interview where you're supposed to say something like "I'm a perfectionist. I don't stop until I get it right" when you're asked "What's your weakness?" If you tell the truth, and nothing but the truth, this little quiz can clarify what's not working in your life and what you'd rather do so you can start making positive changes.
The Four-Minute–Four-Box Happiness Quiz
Square 1. "What are you doing in your life that you want to do?" Walking your dog? Reading? Running your own business? Having date nights with your spouse?
Square 2. "What are you not doing in your life that you want to do?" Not losing weight? Not changing jobs? Not exercising? Not spending time with friends? Not having sex?
Square 3. "What are you doing in your life that you don't want to do?" Commuting? Racking up credit-card debt? Fighting with a family member? Watching too much TV?
Square 4. "What are you not doing in your life that you don't want to do?" Yes, this is a double negative. It's an important question though because it identifies unhealthy behaviors you're keeping out of your life. Maybe you used to smoke, don't anymore, and you're happy about that.
Analyzing the Results from the Happiness Quiz
"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."
— ANDY WARHOL
When you're finished, look at the responses in Squares 1 and 4. That's what's right with your life. This is what is contributing to your happiness.
Now, look at the answers in Squares 2 and 3. That's what's wrong with your life. This is what is compromising your happiness.
Please note, none of us is perfect so we'll always have responses in Squares 2 and 3. You know what the question is? How long? How long have you been doing these things you don't want to do? How long have you not been doing things you want to do?
John Foster Dulles said, "The mark of a successful organization isn't whether it has problems; it's whether it has the same problems it had last year." The same is true of us. As humans, we'll always have problems. The question is, are they the same problems we had last year and the year before that? If so, that's a good indicator we're living in someday land.
"Somedays" lurk in Squares 2 and 3. These are priorities we've been telling ourselves we'll act on someday when we have more time, money, whatever. These are regrets waiting to happen.
Maybe you're thinking, "Sam, give me a break. I'm working sixty hours a week. I don't have the luxury to act on the things in Squares 2 and 3."
I understand. The good news is, you don't need to change everything at once. That's not realistic. If you take action on one thing in Square 2 or 3, it can set up a positive ripple effect that compensates for other aspects of your life that are not to your liking. What's your one thing?
Doing One Thing Differently Can Set up a Positive Ripple Effect
"Is there ever any particular spot where one can put one's finger and say, 'It all began that day, at such a time and such a place, with such an incident?'"
— AGATHA CHRISTIE
Guess what the most frequent answer in Square 3 is? Social media. Specifically, spending too much time online mindlessly scrolling Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and other online forums.
One woman told me, "I read an article about tech addiction. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I have all the signs. It is pretty much what I do anytime I have spare time."
I asked, "Have you seen the research that says the more time we spend online, the more lonely, depressed, and unhappy we are? I think social media is the catch-22 of happiness. Not only does the constant comparison to other people's lives sabotage our self- esteem, it gobbles up hours we could be using for more meaningful activities. How do you plan to change this?"
"That article suggested we have rules. No phone in the bedroom or during meals. Schedule two social media times a day and never as soon as we wake up or just before we go to bed. I'm going to hold myself accountable for changing this, because I already know that when I look back at my life, I will regret wasting so much time on something that won't matter in the long run."
I told her, "That is a perfect example of how one thing can positively impact everything. It can improve your relationship with your kids, your husband, and your friends because you're giving them your full attention instead of distractedly checking your phone. It can free up time to journal or read a good book or get outside for a walk instead of spending hours staring at a little piece of plastic. It can reverse a mindless habit that adds no enduring value and can open up time for more uplifting activities. Good for you for setting up that positive ripple effect."
Find a Better Way
"There's a way to do it better — find it."
— THOMAS EDISON
Want another example of someone who changed one thing that set up a positive ripple effect?
A man in one of my workshops said, "I grew up playing just about every sport our school offered. Being an athlete was my identity. I married my college sweetheart and we had three kids. She died in an automobile accident when our sons were twelve, fourteen, and sixteen. I moved back to Minnesota so my mom and dad could help raise the boys. I've been working two jobs since then to make ends meet and save enough money to put them through college.
"All my answers in Squares 2 and 3 were around my health and weight. What I was doing that I didn't want to do was eating everything in sight and being a couch potato. What I wasn't doing that I wanted to do was working out, playing sports, and meeting women.
"Filling out that quiz helped me realize it was past time for me to do something about this. I went online and discovered our local shopping mall has a walking club that meets three mornings a week. That was perfect for me because it's free; it's inside (we have long, cold winters); it's at 7:30 a.m. so I can get in my walk and still get to work on time. Plus, it's a way to get back into shape without killing myself. The best part? I'm meeting women! We circuit the mall six times and talk the whole way. It's the best thing I've done for myself in years."
I love his story because it shows, once again, how doing one thing differently can improve our happiness on multiple levels.
Baseball player Mickey Mantle said, "If I knew I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself." Are you taking care of yourself? Now that you've identified a priority in Square 2 or 3 where you are not taking care of something important to you, the next step is to envision how you intend to do it differently.
What Won't You Do on Your Day of Hooky?
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
— FERRIS BUELLER
Did you see John Hughes's movie Ferris Bueller's Day Off? In it, lead character Matthew Broderick skips school with some friends. He "borrows" a Ferrari and they cruise around Chicago, catching a Cubs game, dining at a four-fork restaurant, and joining a parade. Their goal is to "carpe diem" — to seize the day and have the time of their life.
Look at that phrase, have the time of their life. Are you having the time of your life or are you wasting the time of your life? Are you seizing the day or waiting for some day?
There is another insight from that movie worth noting. When Ferris's friends ask, "What are we going to do with our day of hooky?" he smiles and says, "The question isn't what are we going to do. The question is, what aren't we going to do?"
When considering how to spend your day of hooky, it may be easier to start with what you aren't going to do. Ferris didn't want to waste a beautiful spring day sitting inside at a desk. He wanted to have fun with his friends while they still could, before they all went their separate ways.
How about you? What are you not going to do on your day? Remember, this is a pretend day so you don't have to be practical. You get to do exactly as you please, so use your imagination.
Are you thinking, "I've got so much going on, there's no way I can take a day off."
That's what Jenelle, a twenty-something told me. She said, "I'm taking a full load of courses and waitressing to pay my way through college. If I'm not in class, I'm studying or at the restaurant. I don't have a free afternoon, much less a free day."
Understood. If that's the case with you, play hooky in your mind and imagine a hooky hour. What would give you a well- deserved break from your have-tos?
As you'll discover in chapter 10, it's not selfish to carve out an hour to do something you enjoy; it can compensate for parts of your life you can't control.
Now that you've explored what could put the light in your eyes, it's time to identify what other factors have influenced your happiness — for better or for worse.
CHAPTER 2
Remember the Golden Days
"Success is not about wealth, fame or power, but how many shining eyes I have around me."
— BEN ZANDER
I was surrounded by shining eyes. It was my birthday, a significant one, and friends and family had flown in from around the country to join me for a weekend celebration. We started with a "This Is Your Life" quiz show with friends Mary and Denise asking questions of the crowd to see if they knew: "Which is of these is true? That Sam played tennis at the White House and President Ford's Golden Retriever stole the tennis balls? That Sam gave gum to her 4-H sheep to keep them quiet during county fair judging contests? Or that Sam competed in the Folsom Rodeo barrel-racing competition when she was in college?" Answer? All of them.
The next day we went for a walk around the lake and returned for a home-cooked meal, whipped up from scratch by epicurean Judy Gray. We sat around "talking-story," as they say in Hawaii. Nisha shared highlights of her recent trip to Egypt including her visit with a shaman. A left-brainer who's not a fan of spirituality said, "I don't know what to do with shamans." Judy piped up from the kitchen, "Just don't squeeze them." (You may need to be a boomer to remember this tagline from the famous Charmin commercial with Mr. Whipple.)
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Someday Is Not a Day in the Week"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Sam Horn.
Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
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