Table of Contents
Chapter 1 When You Were Younger and You Got Home Early and You Were the First One Home and No One Else Was Out on the Street, Did You Ever Worry That the Rapture Had Happened without You? I Did. 1
Interlude I Chapter Titles from the On the Nose, Po-Faced Transmasculine Memoir I Am Trying Not to Write 7
Chapter 2 My Brothers, My Brothers, My Brothers' Keepers, My Brothers, My Brothers, My Brothers and Me 10
Interlude II Help Me, Brother, or I Sink 22
Chapter 3 Apollo and Hyacinthus Die Playing Ultimate Frisbee, and I Died Watching Teenage Boys Play Video Games 28
Interlude III Lord Byron Has a Birthday and Takes His Leave 32
Chapter 4 Reasons for Transitioning, in Order 38
Interlude IV If You Can't Parallel Park, You Have to Get a Sex Change 40
Chapter 5 Unwanted Coming-Out Disorder 44
Chapter 6 The Stages of Not Going on T 60
Interlude V Oh Lacanian Philosopher We Love You Get Up 63
Chapter 7 The Several Mortes D'Arthur 65
Interlude VI Cosmopolitan Magazine Cover Stories for Bewildered Future Trans Men Living in the Greater Chicago Area Between the Years 1994-2002 73
Interlude VII Marcus Aurelius Prepares for the New Year 75
Chapter 8 Evelyn Waugh and the Opposite of Communion 82
Interlude VIII Jacob and the Angel Wrasslin' Till Noon at Least 87
Chapter 9 Mary and Martha and Jesus and the Dishes 92
Interlude IX Columbo in Six Positions 99
Interlude X On Wednesdays We Mean Girls Wore Pink 102
Chapter 10 The Golden Girls and the Mountains in the Sea 110
Chapter 11 Captain James T. Kirk Is a Beautiful Lesbian, and I'm Not Sure Exactly How to Explain That 124
Interlude XI Rilke Takes a Turn 131
Chapter 12 Duckie from Pretty in Pink Is Also a Beautiful Lesbian, and I Can Prove It with the Intensity of My Feelings 133
Interlude XII I Have a Friend Who Thinks Umbrellas Are Enemies of the Collective Good, and I Have a Sneaking Suspicion They May Be Right 138
Chapter 13 Sir Gawain Just Wants to Leave Castle Make-Out 140
Interlude XIII No One Understands Henry VIII Like I Do 151
Chapter 14 "I Love Your Vibe," and Other Things I've Said to Men 155
Interlude XIV House Hunters 159
Chapter 15 And His Name Shall Be Called Something Hard to Remember 164
Chapter 16 Pirates at the Funeral: "It Feels Like Someone Died," But Someone Actually Didn't 166
Interlude XV Nora Ephron's I Feel Bad About My Neck, Transmasculine Edition 172
Chapter 17 Powerful T4T Energy in Steve Martin's The Jerk 176
Interlude XVI Did You Know That Athena Used to Be a Tomboy? 186
Chapter 18 It's Hard to Feel Sad Reading Hans Christian Andersen Because It's Just Another Story About a Bummed-Out Candlestick That Loves a Broom and Dies 190
Interlude XVII Dirtbag Sappho 198
Chapter 19 Dante Runs into Beatrice in Paradise 203
Interlude XVIII How I Intend to Comport Myself When I Have Abs Someday 209
Chapter 20 Paul and Second Timothy: The Transmasculine Epistles 214
Interlude XIX Something Nice Happens to Oedipus 218
Chapter 21 Destry Rides Again, or Jimmy Stewart Has a Body and So Do I 221
Interlude XX The Matriarchs of Avonlea Begrudgingly Accept Your Transition / Men of Anne of Green Gables Experience 230
Chapter 22 The Opposite of Baptism 232
Acknowledgments 237