Tails of a Woodswoman II

by Patricia Anderson

Overview

GATORS, SNAKES, BEARS AND BIKERS, OH MY!

This book is the second in a planned series of books entitles "Tails of a Woodsman". This book is similar to the first book Patti has published, it is a collection of humorous true stories of Patti's encounters with Florida Wild Life. Patti's gifted story telling style has a way of touching the heart of her readers and many readers report laughing right out loud!

Most of the stories in this book happened in the 440,000 acres of the untamed piney woods of the Ocala National Forest. Patti resides in a cottage, near the healing springs of the Seminole Indians---Salt Springs. This is where she shares the land with many Florida critters to include, gators, poisonous snakes, black bears, owls, eagles, and great salt water and freshwater fishing.

These stories will warm the heart of the readers and expose the reader to rural Florida, a place that is spiritually scared to those born here and awesomely challenging to the newcomer!

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781490722672
Publisher:	Trafford Publishing
Publication date:	02/26/2014
Pages:	90
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.38(d)

Read an Excerpt

Tails of a Woodwoman II

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By Patricia Anderson

Trafford Publishing

Copyright © 2014 Patricia Anderson
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4907-2265-8

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CHAPTER 1

Dating Tails

Finally our paths crossed again it had been 5 long years. In that time frame Sue had moved and I had traveled west more than once. We were very pleased to find each other again. We had both returned back to Astor, Florida where we had originally met. We chatted for hours. Then came the conversation of men. "Who was I dating now?" I laughed loudly and began to share some dating stories with Sue. I first told her about the cute guy on the Flagler fishing pier. He had arrived to the pier shortly after I had and began fishing nearby. He attempted small talk with me and I might add that he had stirred my interest. Then the fish started to bite. I caught one (a bluefish) then he caught one. Then it happened; Sue stated "What happened?" He took his dentures out and chunked them into the bottom of his tackle box. In an attempt to clarify, Sue said "Did he have a container for them?" I finished the story with the fact that he had tossed them into his tackle box next to a few dried worms and miscellaneous tackle (clearly he fresh water fished with the same box). We continued to fish, at which point he looked at me and explained that his dentures were costly and he didn't want to lose them to the sea. Thirty minutes later, (as I now attempted to ignore him) a pizza arrived he had ordered delivered to the pier. Well some woman might have found that romantic, I was slightly impressed until he reached into his dirty tackle box to retrieve his full set of dentures, placing then back in his mouth to chew his pizza. I was grossed out! He kindly offered me some of his pizza; I refused and stood frozen trying not to look in his direction. Once full, he followed his established routine and back into the tackle box-the dentures went. This time he added the statement "I know I look a little young to have dentures, but I had ta get em, cause I had real bad case of pyorrhea". It was that statement that ended my fishing trip, he attempted to get my phone number, I ignored his request and half trotted off the pier.

Then there was the guy I met on Christmas Day, in the local restaurant in Colorado Springs. We had motorcycles riding and dog ownership in common. We shared a lot of stories. And before I left we exchanged phone numbers. Later that week he called and invited me to movies and snacks. I agreed and he asked me to come to his house because he was doing laundry. (I fantasized about going to the theater and dinner at the local diner). When I arrived at his house I notice he had his pajama bottoms on. I assumed he was waiting for his blue jeans to dry.

That wasn't the case. Instead he had rented movies, handed me a bowl of popcorn. Then he began wandering back in forth to the laundry room, I never did meet his dogs and he never did change into his jeans. As the movie finished he entered the room and asked if I was going to spend the night? I abruptly left laughing about how dating had changed.

Then there was the guy up in West Virginia who had bought my 1st book from a friend, took one look at my picture on the back cover (of me holding a bass I had caught), and now he was hooked. He called me at least daily (sometimes 5 times a day) for 5 months. Finally, I had business in a nearby state, so I agreed to come to West Virginia to meet him. He picked me up at my Motel room, took me to Dinner then to meet his friends. All was going well until we arrived at his home. I noticed he parked his truck close to the brushes, as if to hide his vehicle. Then he said to me "Run into the house"! I took a quick survey of his yard to see what I was suppose to out run. I saw the big rock cliff with a creek flowing in front of it. It appeared to be a tranquil setting. In Florida, if we tell someone to run, it is because a gator, snake or bear may be present. My eyes scanned the yard again. I came up with nothing.

So I asked him the obvious question "What am I running from?" He stated my ex girlfriend. There were no other houses nearby and no other people, but I was compliant with his request and ran to his trailer. I felt a bit uncomfortable in his house as I wondered about this old girlfriend. I wondered what she looked like and if I was in any danger. I made it approximately 30 minutes, and then I requested to return to my motel room. The exit from his house was as strange as the entrance; his little terrier dog has issues with people when they attempt to exit his home. He had to hold the dog as I ran to the truck in order not to be bitten on the ankle by his little terror terrier dog or attacked by the old girlfriend (where ever she might be hiding). By the end of that adventure, I was truly ready to RUN my ass back to Florida as quickly as possible.

Sue and I laughed and cut up about the stories I had just told, then she shared a story about when she and Glenn first starting dating. Glenn was my old neighbor so I knew about his strange fetish for rattlesnakes. He must have been a snake in a past life. Glenn would go out of his way to avoid killing a diamond back rattlesnake. He would become deeply upset when he saw a dead rattlesnake on the side of the road. He truly connected with diamondback rattlesnakes. When he spotted a rattlesnake he would take a small stick and knock the snake out, then carry it around to show this knocked out snake to others. Sue explained that on one of their first dates, they were riding around the Ocala National Forest when a rattlesnake appeared in the road. Sue added, "it was a big one"! Glenn leaped from Sue's car and knocked the snake out then proceeded to approach the car with this approx 4-foot or bigger, temporally unconscious snake. Sue freaked! He insisted on taking this poisonous slightly dazed snake home. Finally came the compromise—Sue drove, while Glenn held the snake outside the passenger side window. The snake was placed in an aquarium at Glenn's home. Two days later when Glenn came home from work, oddly the snake lay dead.

Sue and Glenn are still together (after 15 years). Glenn continues to knock out rattlesnakes and bring them home. As for Sue, she has become an expert at killing rattlesnakes. Go figure?

CHAPTER 2

The Smiling Mile

It was March and my friends from Michigan; Paul and Vicky had arrived for their yearly trip to Florida. This year they were accompanied by another couple from Michigan. It was great that we were all together again. We sat up to the wee hours of the morning exchanging stories about the past and the present. The next morning we all slept in, except Paul. He awakened to a crisp Florida winter day and decided to take a walk with Heidi dog down the mile dirt road. So Heidi dog and Paul walked down the road waving at the neighbors as they drove past him. Then something caught his eye; he looked down to the left side of his sweatshirt, in disbelief. Right there clinging to his hooded sweatshirt was some teeth, stuck and hanging. He laughed aloud! It seems he left the house grabbing the sweatshirt that lay by the bed not realizing that his wife Vicky had evidently laid her upper dentures on his sweatshirt—they stuck. Now being married for over 30 years, he realized that if he can't get his wife to walk with him, he'll just take her teeth. And he did! We all wondered what the neighbors thought as they drove by Paul happily walking with Heidi dog with a set of dentures stuck to his sweatshirt.

CHAPTER 3

The Clumsy Neighbor

My boyfriend and I had lived only a few months at my new home in the Ocala National forest, when we met a new neighbor-Glenn. Glenn worked and resided at the youth camp located across the lake from my farm. One particular evening, Glenn arrived at my house soaking wet holding a beer can in his left hand, stating "I just saved my own life"! He explained that while driving his John boat to my farm he spotted large gator swimming in the lake and made a quick turn around to go back and see the gator. Apparently, this turn was too quick for him and he fell out of his own boat, holding his beer can still upright while his boat circled around him. After several attempts to cut off the boat that was still turning in circles around him he was able to grap the side of the boat and climb back in-saving his own life and not spilling a drop of his beer. Glenn made it known he was proud of both rescues (the beer and himself). After he calmed down and dried off, he went back home. I must confuse I was beginning to wonder about our new neighbor.

The next day Glenn returned via the same boat. This time he was dry, so he had managed to stay in the boat for his entire trip to the farm. However, he was carrying what appeared to be a large glass pickle jar (by the lid) in one hand and his beer in the other. As Glenn began to run closer up the hill, I noticed what was in this glass pickle jar—my clumsy neighbor was carrying. It was a diamondback rattlesnake! Somehow, Gregg had managed to squash this large live, pissed off rattlesnake into a glass jar and running up the hill to show us.

My boyfriend, who is very scared of snakes especially the poisonous ones, met him in the yard and insisted he and his pickle jar return home. Glenn, feelings hurt did indeed climb back into his boat and return home. I quickly realized that living near Glenn may become a bit challenging. The old woods expression seem to apply here "YOU GOTTA BE TOUGH IF YOU'RE GONNA BE STUPID!"

CHAPTER 4

The Melt Down

As we approached the swim lake located in Astor Park, Florida (the locals frequently refer to this lake as skinny dip pond. I explained to my date Lee Roy that located across the highway was Billy's Bay, the part of the Ocala Forest well known for it's black bear population.

It is important to note that Lee Roy was a well-portioned physical fit guy with a multitude of tattoos to accent his muscles. I noticed that in public places, he was immediately noticed by all, and most men respected him. He had that air of tough guy energy around him.

The lake was located behind a tree line just off the highway. You had to pull off the side of the road and hike down to it. As we hiked down to the lake and I babbled on about the bear population, Lee Roy pointed over to the side of the lake and stated "isn't that a bear over there". Sure enough it was, a large black bear batting the water at the fish. My response was "Cool" we can sit and watch him. Lee Roy began to perspire a lot on his face and forehead and suggested we go now! I attempted to calm him by explaining that the Florida black bear is very nearsighted and he can't see us. In addition, I added that there was no wind, therefore this bear couldn't smell us either. Lee Roy began to pitch a fit, insisting we leave now. His face was turning red and sweat was dripping everywhere. He clearly was having a meltdown! In a final attempt to calm him, I explained that I had an injured knee and all he had to do was run faster than me. He didn't find that comment funny either. So I reluctantly went back to the truck. That is when Lee Roy started to confess. He said that 20 years ago he had entered a "tough man" contest in Ohio. Stated he had scrapped together all the cash he had to enter this contest. A win would pay off $1000.00. He stated that the rule was that he had to enter a cage with a black bear and stay for 60 seconds. He thought at the time it would be easy money. He proceeded to tell me that immediately after entering the cage the bear knocked him down and began banging his shoulders on the floor of the cage. Stated this bear broke his ribs, his nose and basically beat his ass. He had to be dragged by his feet out of the cage and taken to the hospital for a few days. Although I could greatly appreciate his fears, holding the laughter inside was virtually impossible. At first I stated "no way" no one in his right mind would get into a cage with a wild animal, right? He continued to tell his story and then stated "I thought I had got over this fear, clearly I havent". Laughter ripped out of me as I attempted to ask him why he ever thought he was tougher than a wild animal, but I struggled to get the question out of my mouth before I went into belly roaring laughter! Just then it hit me I have been sleeping with this fool, oh no, the phrase "Welcome to my world" danced in my head.

He kept telling me his story really wasn't funny, so I made every attempt to look out the window of the truck and not laugh. That didn't work either! As his melt down faded away, I could see he was becoming angry at my laughter. So I suggested we go to another lake several miles down the road.

We arrived at the other lake, I got out and attempted to lure him down to the lake. It was a great spring Florida day and wildlife was abundant. There were deer, raccoon and a little gator at the lakeside. After he finished a few beers, he did start to leave the side of the truck and join me at the lake. It appeared his meltdown had subsided, all was calm for now.

As we began to leave, we drove only ½ mile down the road when another bear appeared on the side of the road. That did it for me, laugher roared from my lips, suddenly the truck spun sideways as he hit the gas pedal in extreme fear and we flew sideways several miles to the pavement. I tried to explain, but he just would not listen, that this was the first time ever, that I have seen two different bears in the same day. I added the universe clearly has a sense of humor when it comes to "Whose the tough guy now?"

CHAPTER 5

The Hairy Catch

Saturday was here at last; my boyfriend and I had taken 1-week vacation to just go fishing. We had decided we would pick 7 Florida Lakes and fish a different one each day. Today was the beginning of our adventure. We loaded up my 14-foot homemade johnboat, appropriately named "The SS Leak" and headed to the Lake.

Once on the lake, my boyfriend mentioned that he had this secret weapon borrowed (just last night) from his fishing buddy. He then pulled an 8-inch lure from his tackle box. He explains that this lure only costs $15.00 and had a built in rattle. As I examined this mammoth lure closer, I noticed that it had not one, not two, not three but 4 that's right 4 three prong hooks. I immediately thought to myself, you know you're a southern if your favorite fishing lure has more hooks then you have teeth. I decided not to speak that aloud, for fear he wouldn't find it funny. I teased him about the lure and that it resembled a device used to scrap the bottom of the lake, and then I spoke the challenge "I still can catch more fish than you and that fancy $15.00 lure". The challenge was on!

I sat at the front of the boat, casting my rubber worm ahead of the boat. Occasionally, I would stop to bail the boat. You see, the SS Leak had clearly seen better days, and now the ribbed bottom leaked. I secretly enjoyed being able to soak my feet and fish too. But this fishing/ foot soaking wasn't for everyone.

Then came that rattle sound right near my right ear. At first, I didn't realize what it was, that is until the second cast. It was that fancy, over hooked $ 15.00 lure flying extremely close to my scalp. After his third cast, I turned and informed my boyfriend, just how pissed I would be if that tangled in my hair. By the look on his face he didn't appreciate the scolding. All I could think of, was how much scalp and hair that fancy lure could rip out of my head. I didn't care to endure that experience at all.

I turned back around and proceeded to cast my rubber worm, now more than ever desperately wanting to catch more fish then the expansive lure would attract. After a few casts, I noticed that I didn't hear my boyfriend fishing anymore. I thought to myself, oh great I must have really pissed him off insulting his casting abilities. I waiting a few moments, finally curiosity got the best of me and I turned and looked behind me. There he was in all his glory, using one hand to hold the lure (so I wouldn't hear the rattle) and using the other hand to try to dig it out of his own hair.

It seems his last cast had put that fancy $15.00 lure in direct contact with his scalp—not mine. Tears ran down my cheeks as I tried to stop the laughter.

I knew he wasn't seriously hurt. Just his fishing pride was on the line right now, literally. Suddenly I just couldn't maintain any longer. In a laughing voice I said "What cha doing honey?" he repeated "I'll get it". "Okay". I turned and attempted to fish, my belly shook as I tried to hold my belly laughter, and it was just too funny. After 15 minutes, I was able to control laughter enough to turn and assist him in removing the lure from his hair. I had to cut all the hair around the hooks to get it to release. Apparently, after I had insisted he not cast towards me, he had thrown this lure with a little extra thrust, only to catch his own head in the passing. When we finally, removed the now hairy lure, my boyfriend cut it off his line and placed hair and all, into the bottom of the tackle box. You know, I never, saw that lure again.

Imagine that!

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Tails of a Woodwoman II by Patricia Anderson. Copyright © 2014 Patricia Anderson. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Dating Tails, 1,
The Smiling Mile, 5,
The Clumsy Neighbor, 6,
The Melt Down, 8,
The Hairy Catch, 11,
The Attack, 14,
Just Gerdy, 16,
Snake Eyes, 20,
The Surprise Buggy, 23,
BJ and The Cowboy, 25,
Eyes Bigger Then His Stomach, 27,
He Just Knew, 30,
Magic of the Sea, 33,
Bet on the Yellow Jackets, 35,
Return of Silly Bear, 37,
The Whistle, 40,
The Ducks, 43,
TAILS TOLD BY OTHERS,
Whose Got the Button, 47,
The River Ride, 48,
Turbo, 49,
TAILS OF THE SPIRIT,
A Forest Carol, 53,
The Easter Dance, 55,
TAIL PIPES,
Happy Trails, 59,
Got Vodka, 61,
Whose Got the Panties, 64,
Butt Darts, 67,
The Dollar, 69,
The Rebel, 71,
The Conclusion,
Leap of Faith, 75,