Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 0
Perched upon the dining table, I gazed out over a scene of destruction. I had shredded a pillow, mutilated a houseplant, and toppled every vase I could find.
Usually such random acts of violence did much to improve my mood. Today, however, they did nothing to curb my rage.
Though I had suffered endless humiliations from the moment I set paw on this miserable planet, nothing—not living with ogres, having to lick my own fur, or being repeatedly betrayed by my enemies—could compare to the news I had received three moonrises ago. On my home planet, I was being called Wyss-Kuzz the . . . the . . . Dog Lover.
Hiss!
I was about to do something truly terrible when the communicator rang. I raced down to the bunker. My minion, Flooffee-Fyr, was calling.
“Tell me quickly,” I said. “Have you yet convinced the felines of Lyttyrboks that I am not friends with that despicable spacemutt?”
“Um . . . well, not really, Supreme Leader.”
“Does this mean that they are still calling me Wyss-Kuzz the—hack hack—Dog Lover?”
“Oh no,” Flooffee said, brightening. “They’re not calling you that at all anymore.”
My rage softened. My hopes soared. Finally, the mood of the mob had turned!
“They’re more calling you, uh . . .” Flooffee paused. “Well . . . now they’re calling you Wyss-Kuzz the Butt-Sniffer.”
It took all my training—all the discipline in my warrior soul—not to begin a new rampage of destruction. My claws pulsed with the urge to wreak havoc. I had not felt fury like this in—in—well, in at least five minutes.
Flooffee blinked stupidly at me.
“What?” I roared. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Um, I was just wondering?” he said. “Is it true?”
“Is what true?”
“Have you ever sniffed a dog’s butt?”
HISSSS!
“Or Flabby’s butt?”
I hung up on the infuriating fool and went upstairs to take a Focus Nap.
Upon reaching this state of higher feline consciousness, certain facts became clear to me. My current reputation made the reconquest of Lyttyrboks impossible at present. But in the meantime, it was crucial that I keep my conquesting skills sharp. If I didn’t, what would Generalissima Zok say at the next meeting of the Allied Warlords of Evil club? It was imperative that I vanquish a planet—any planet, no matter how vile or backward it might be.
This, naturally, led me to think of Earth.
Chapter 1
“Klawde!” I yelled as I came inside and dropped my backpack in the hall. “Where are you?”
There was no answer, so I grabbed a handful of potato chips and went upstairs. He was asleep on my pillow, and considering the mood he’d been in lately, I decided not to wake him. Besides, I could hardly wait to open my computer and get online. Because today was the day the new VisionQuest Ultra was being released!
The VQ Ultra was the best virtual reality headset money could buy. It was insanely light, wireless, and it came with six motion sensors that tracked your every move. It even had a connected drone, which you could control with the headset. I had to buy the VQ Ultra! The only problem was how much it cost.
It was $1,286—and that was just for the headset. With all the cool accessories, it cost twice as much.
How would I ever come up with that kind of money? My allowance was ten bucks a week, and that was only if I actually did all my chores.
I tortured myself watching launch videos of the VQ Ultra until my computer crashed. I rebooted it, and five minutes later the stupid thing crashed again. It was Mom’s old laptop—from, like, before I was born—and it barely worked for anything but email.
Luckily, I had a cat who could help fix it.
“Hey, Klawde—”
“No.”
“Come on, Klawde. Please?”
He growled at me. “I am exceedingly busy.”
“Busy? You’ve been sleeping this whole time!”
“Incorrect. I was engaged in a Focus Nap, followed by a Strategy Nap—two of the nine fundamental nap states.”
“Please?” I begged him. “My computer keeps crashing.”
Klawde flicked his tail. “Ask in the proper manner.”
I sighed. I hated when he made me do this.
“O All-Powerful Lord and Master, can you please assist a lowly, furless, pathetic Human and fix this computer?”
“That was better,” he said. “Let me consider it. No.”
Chapter 2
Earth was hardly worth conquering, of course, as it was small, teeming with ogres, and in a particularly unattractive corner of the universe. This was why none of the other members of the Allied Warlords of Evil had bothered to vanquish it.
Still, I needed something to occupy my time between naps.
As I pondered how to crush Earth, however, certain problems presented themselves. Most signficantly, no matter how feeble the Human mind might be, the Human body was immensely strong.
Since these ogres could not be subjugated by brute force, I would need to use my superior feline brain. As the ancients say, ’Tis not the sharp claw, but the sharp mind that makes the victor.
I was considering my options when the boy-Human interrupted me with his latest complaint about his internet-access device. He wanted me to repair it, but its technology was almost incomprehensibly crude. He might as well hand me two sticks and expect me to create nuclear fusion.
“For what pointless Human purpose do you need this machine?”
He explained that he wanted to watch videos of something called the VisionQuest Ultra. Placed upon one’s head, he informed me, this instrument allowed its wearer to see, hear, and act in any environment that could be imagined.
“They call it virtual reality,” he said. “And I want it.”
“Well of course you would want to escape your reality,” I said.
He failed to understand my biting wit.
“It’s like you’re in a different world, in someone else’s body,” he said. “And you’re controlling everything they do.”
My whiskers twitched.
“Controlling them, you say?”
The boy then brought out his phone so that we could watch a video advertising the device. As the capacity of this wearable technology became clear, my fur began to stand on end. Could this cumbersome Human gadget be repurposed for my own ends?
It was extremely primitive, of course. And yet it was not unlike the devices we used to manage our worker robots back on Lyttyrboks. And then it struck me. The Zom-Beam! My most brilliant creation! If I paired this Human apparatus with the Zom-Beam’s mind-controlling psylo-waves, this pathetic planet would be mine for the taking!
“Ogre, let us get this device,” I said. “RIGHT NOW.”
