The Best A Man Walks Into a Bar . . . Jokes

by Billy Brownless

Overview

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender, "How much?" "For you, sir, no charge." Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer." "I can't serve you," says the bartender. "You're Bard!" Everyone has their own favorite man-walks-into-a-bar joke. This is a collection of more than 200 of the best—or should that be worst? It includes the old favorites, the most stupid, the funniest, the brainbenders, the politically incorrect, the great puns, and the really, really bad puns.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781741769241
Publisher:	Allen & Unwin Pty., Limited
Publication date:	12/01/2009
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	160
File size:	2 MB

About the Author

Billy Brownless is a former Australian football player who now stars in The Sunday Footy Show.

Read an Excerpt

A Man Walks Into a Bar ...: The Best Jokes

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By Billy Brownless

Allen & Unwin

Copyright © 2009 Billy Brownless
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-74237-156-6

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CHAPTER 1

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his little Jack Russell terrier. He puts the dog on the barstool next to his. The bartender wanders over and the man says, 'I'll have a pot thanks, mate.' The dog says, 'I'll have a margarita.'

The bartender does a double-take and looks over to the dog and asks, 'Did you just talk?'

'Yep,' says the dog.

'My God!' says the bartender. 'That's incredible. This is unreal. Who would have thought: a talking dog, here in my bar? Tell me more about yourself. You must have had an amazing life as a talking dog.'

The dog assumes an indifferent pose and speaks in quite a matter-of-fact manner:

'Yeah, you could say it's been a big journey.

I trained for a while with the US Marines.

Saw a bit of action in Iraq – can't tell you more.

I joined the Bolshoi Ballet for a stint. That was hard work but incredibly satisfying. I've written a few best-selling novels in my spare time.

That was good fun. Of course, there have been film offers, TV shows. Wine, women and song.

All that.'

The bartender is now purple with excitement.

He turns to the man. 'We could make a fortune.

We could charge people to come into this bar and hear your dog talk. How much would you charge to allow your dog to talk here?'

'About $10,' the man replies.

'Why only $10? That's madness!' exclaims the bartender.

The man answers: 'He's a liar. He hasn't done half those things.'

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR wearing dark glasses, accompanied by a chihuahua on a leash. The bartender says, 'Sorry, no dogs allowed.'

'I'm blind. It's my seeing-eye dog,' the man explains.

The bartender scoffs. 'Seeing-eye dogs are labradors or German shepherds.'

The man looks alarmed. 'What've they given me?'

* * *

A DOG WALKS INTO A BAR and says, 'Hey, bartender, can't a talking dog get a drink in here?'

'Yeah, dog,' says the bartender, 'the toilet's right around the corner there!'

A DOG HOBBLES INTO A BAR with his leg wrapped in bandages. He sidles up to the bartender and announces: 'I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw.'

* * *

A TOURIST WALKS INTO A BAR and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker. The tourist says, 'Is that dog really playing poker?'

The bartender says, 'Yeah, but he's not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.'

HUH?

A BAR WALKS INTO A COMMUTATIVE algebraist.

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, 'Does your dog bite?'

The lady answers, 'Never!'

The man reaches out to pat the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, 'I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!' The woman replies, 'He doesn't. This isn't my dog.'

* * *

A BLIND MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, grabs his dog, and starts swinging him around.

The bartender says, 'Hey mate, what are you doing?'

The blind man says, 'Don't mind me, I'm just looking around.'

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog on a leash. The bartender says, 'Man, that's a weird dog. He's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my Rottweiler would beat the heck out of him.'

Fifty bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the Rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win. The bet is $100. There's another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, 'So what breed is that anyway?'

The owner says, 'Until I cut his tail off and painted him pink he was the same breed as every other crocodile.'

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR with his dog.

He puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, 'This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet $5 that you can ask him anything and he will tell you the right answer.'

So the bartender says, 'All right. What is 10 + 11 + 13?'

The dog says, '34.'

'Wow,' says the bartender and hands over the $5 note.

Then the man says to the bartender, 'Don't let my dog go anywhere, I have to go to the toilet.'

He hands the dog the $5 to hold onto while he's in the toilet. The bartender and the dog start having a conversation and the bartender says, 'If you're so smart, go down the road and get me a newspaper.' So the dog leaves, and then the man comes out of the toilet. He asks the bartender where the dog is.

The bartender says, 'The dog went to get me a newspaper.'

The man throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. He goes out to find his dog. He looks all over until he sees his dog in an alley making love to a poodle. The man says, 'What are you doing? You've never done this before.'

The dog says, 'I've never had $5 before either.'

* * *

A SEAL WALKS INTO A CLUB....

A CHIHUAHUA, A DOBERMAN AND A BULLDOG WALK INTO A BAR for a drink. A great-looking female collie comes up to them and says, 'Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.'

So the Doberman says, 'I love liver and cheese.'

The collie replies, 'That's not good enough.'

The bulldog says, 'I hate liver and cheese.'

The collie says, 'That's not creative enough.'

Finally, the chihuahua says, 'Liver alone ... cheese mine.'

HUH?

C, E-FLAT AND G GO INTO A BAR. The bartender says, 'Sorry, but we don't serve minors.'

CHAPTER 2

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT ...

A SAILOR AND A PIRATE WALK INTO A BAR.

They sit down next to each other and get to talking. Their chat soon turns to their sea adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing ships and killing his enemies. The sailor notices that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a peg leg, and asks, 'How did you get the peg leg?'

The pirate replies, 'When I was thrown off my ship and floated for two days until my crew rescued me, my leg was bitten off by a shark as I was being pulled out of the water.'

The sailor, impressed, says, 'Wow! That's very exciting. But what about the hook?'

The pirate smiles, shining the hook on his coat sleeve. 'When I was sword-fighting with an enemy pirate for treasure, he took it right off.'

The sailor's eyes are wide with awe at how tough this pirate is, and he asks, 'How did you get the eye patch?'

'Well,' says the pirate, shifting in his seat a bit, 'a seagull s*** in my eye.'

The sailor looks puzzled. 'You lost an eye from seagull s***?'

The pirate sighs and shakes his head. 'It was my first day with the hook.'

* * *

A MAGICIAN WALKS DOWN AN ALLEY and turns into a bar.

THE LONE RANGER AND TONTO WALK INTO A BAR in Texas on one of the hottest days on record and sit down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walks in and says, 'Who owns the big white horse outside?'

The Lone Ranger stands up, hitches his gun belt, and says, 'I do... why?'

The cowboy looks at the Lone Ranger and says, 'I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just about dead from the heat.'

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and sure enough, Silver is ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger gets the horse some water and soon Silver is starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to

Tonto and says, 'Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better.'

Tonto says, 'Yes, Kemosabe,' and takes off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to fi nish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, 'Who owns that big white horse outside?'

The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, 'I do, what's wrong with him this time?'

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says ...

'Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'.'

CELINE DION WALKS INTO A BAR. The bartender says, 'So, why the long face?'

A HEAD WALKS INTO A BAR and asks the bartender for a drink, and after he is finished, bang! a torso appears. So the head asks for another drink and after he finishes, bang! arms come out of the torso. So the head asks the bartender for another drink and when he has finished, bang! legs appear.

The head is thinking, 'Hey, this stuff is great,' so he asks the bartender for one more drink for the road and bang! his whole body disappears.

The bartender turns to him and says, 'You should have quit while you were a head.'

A LEPRECHAUN WALKS INTO A BAR. The bartender serves him and says, 'That'll be $2.50.' The leprechaun puts two $1 coins on the bar and starts walking away.

The bartender shouts, 'You're a little short!'

* * *

A NEUTRON WALKS INTO A BARand orders a drink. He asks the bartender, 'How much?'

'For you, sir, no charge.'

A SCRAWNY LITTLE MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. The bartender is the strongest man around and there is a long-standing $1000 bet among the patrons.

The bartender will squeeze a lemon until all the juice runs into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who can squeeze one more drop of juice out wins the money. Many people have tried over time but nobody can do it.

'I'd like to try the bet,' the little man says in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter has died down, the bartender grabs a lemon and squeezes away. He hands the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turns to total silence as the man clenches his fist around the lemon and six drops fall into the glass. As the crowd cheers, the bartender pays the $1000 and asks the little man what he does for a living. Is he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?

'I work for the tax office.'

A SEWING MACHINE WALKS INTO A BAR, sits down, looks at the sewing machine sitting next to him and says, 'Do I know you, are you a singer?'

Sewing machine says, 'Ja-no-me?'

* * *

A NUMBER 12 WALKS INTO A BAR and asks the bartender for a pint of beer. 'Sorry, I can't serve you,' says the bartender.

'Why not?' asks the number 12 angrily.

'You're under 18,' replies the bartender.

A SOCCER BALL WALKS INTO A BAR.

The bartender kicks him out.

* * *

A BOOK WALKS INTO A BAR. The bartender says,

'Please, no stories!'

* * *

A $5 NOTE WALKS INTO A BAR. The bartender says, 'Get out! This is a singles bar.'

A GOLF CLUB WALKS INTO A BAR and orders a beer, but the bartender refuses to serve him.

'Why not?' asks the golf club.

'You'll be driving later.'

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and orders a drink, then sits there looking at it for half an hour.

Then a big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to the man, takes the drink from him and empties the glass. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man cry.'

'No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep and I'm late to my office.

My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to get my car, I fi nd out it's been stolen. The police say they can't do anything.

I get a cab home and after I get out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards inside. The cab driver just drives away. Inside, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

A COWBOY WALKS INTO A BAR. Upon leaving, he realises that someone has painted his horse.

The cowboy yells, 'Which one of you painted my horse?' A 7-foot-tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, 'I did.'

The cowboy realises he is in trouble and replies, 'Nice colour!'

A SKELETON WALKS INTO A BAR and says, 'Gimme a beer, and a mop.'

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he comments, 'You look terrible. What's the matter?'

'My mother died in August,' his friend says, 'and left me $25,000.'

'Man, that's tough,' he replies.

'Then in September,' the friend continues, 'my father died, leaving me $90,000.'

'Wow. Two parents gone in two months.

No wonder you're depressed.'

'And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.'

'Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.'

'Then this month,' continued the friend, 'absolutely nothing!'

A BRAIN WALKS INTO A BAR and orders a pint of beer. The bartender says, 'I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!'

* * *

A REGULAR CUSTOMER WALKS INTO A BAR one evening sporting a pair of swollen black eyes that look extremely painful.

'Hey, Sam!' says the bartender. 'Who gave you those beauties?'

'Nobody gave them to me,' said Sam. 'I had to fight like crazy for both of them.'

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR, has a few drinks and asks what his tab is. The bartender replies that it is $20 plus tip. The man says, 'I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.'

The bartender accepts the bet, and the man pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill is now $30 plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts, knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The man then proceeds to take out his false teeth and bite his other eye.

* * *

JOHN HURT WALKS INTO A BAR, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, 'What's gotten into you?'

A MAN CALLED JOHN WALKS INTO HIS LOCAL PUB one day and orders his usual. He is enjoying a quiet pint at a table outside, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

'You should be ashamed of yourself, young man!

Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!'

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. 'How do you know this, Sister?'

'My Mother Superior told me so.'

'But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?'

'Don't be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself!'

'Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it's evil I will give up drink for life.'

'How could I, a nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!'

'I'll get the bartender to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.'

The nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. 'Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks,' then he lowers his voice and says to the bartender, 'and could you put the vodka in a teacup?'

'Oh no! It's not that nun again, is it?'

A COWBOY WALKS INTO A BAR and orders a large bourbon. Finishing his drink, he turns to face the guy playing the piano, takes out his gun, shoots the sheet music into the air, shoots the man's hat off and finally shoots the lid which falls down, trapping the poor man's fingers. He spins the gun and puts it back in its holster.

'Brilliant shooting,' says the bartender. 'Mind if I look at your gun?' Another flashy spin brings the gun into the bartender's hands. 'Nice gun, but if I were you I would file off the sight, all the rough edges, and where your name is in diamonds on the handle, make it all nice and smooth.'

'What the hell for?' asks the cowboy.

'Well, see that piano player?' says the bartender.

'He is Billy the Kid, and when his hands are better he is going to ram that gun up where the sun don't shine.'

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and hurts his knee.

What was that bar doing sticking up out of the ground?

* * *

A KID WALKS INTO A BAR.

'Hey, bartender. Pour me a cold one.'

'Hey, kid, you wanna get me in trouble?'

'Maybe later; right now I just want a beer.'

* * *

A FORKLIFT DRIVES INTO A BAR and raises a glass.

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.

'But I paid, don't you remember?' says the customer.

'OK,' says the bartender, 'If you say you paid, you did.'

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, 'If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.'

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, 'You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.'

'Don't bother me with your troubles,' the final patron responds. 'Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.'

* * *

DAVID HASSELHOFF WALKS INTO A BAR and says to the bartender, 'I want you to call me David Hoff.'

The bartender replies, 'Sure thing, Dave ...no hassle.'

* * *

TWO DYSLEXICS WALK INTO A BRA ...

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR in a remote Australian town. The newcomer hears people yell out numbers (23, 56 and so on) and then everyone laughs. He asks the bloke next to him what's going on, and he says the jokes have been told so many times before that people just yell out their numbers instead of retelling them.

So the man yells out '27!', but nobody laughs.

The bloke next to him says, 'Some people can tell a joke, and some people can't.'

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from A Man Walks Into a Bar ...: The Best Jokes by Billy Brownless. Copyright © 2009 Billy Brownless. Excerpted by permission of Allen & Unwin.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Man's best friend,
Did you hear the one about ...,
Food & drink,
It takes all sorts,
All creatures great and small,
The office,
A few too many ...,
More creatures great and small,
WAGs,
Mature audiences only,