The Betty Book: A Celebration of Capable Kind o' Gal

by Elizabeth "Betty" Albright

Overview

Betties—you know the type! And if you're sitting up straight, legs crossed at the ankles, you're probably one yourself. These can-do types love whipping life's little problems as much as they adore beating egg whites. They place a high value on neatness, punctuality, and stylish but low-heeled flats.
Now, The Betty Book brings bettitude right into your very own home. Anyone can learn to embrace the joys of shoe racks, nonabrasive cleansers, and toast tongs, and to avoid un-betty-like activities like belching and trips to Vegas. Carefully organized so that you won't have to dog-ear any of its pages, The Betty Book features bevy of famous betties, from Betty Crocker to Betty Rubble to Betty White, classic betties with other names (Martha Stewart), betties who have strayed (Princess Di), and antibetties (Courtney Love). Betty hobbies (writing thank-you's), betty sports (synchronized swimming), betty foods (fondue, apple brown betty-recipe included), and betty words (spice rack, cardigan). Betty pop quizzes, games, horoscopes, and even a betty novelette!
So, settle down with The Betty Book and preserve the great American tradition of bettiness. (Speaking of which, if a betty were president, you can bet her cabinet would be as shipshape as her sock drawer!)

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780684832142
Publisher:	Gallery Books
Publication date:	05/05/1997
Edition description:	Original
Pages:	208
Product dimensions:	7.50(w) x 9.25(h) x 0.50(d)

About the Author

Elizabeth Betty Albright is a really big betty who lives in suburban New Jersey, a hotbed of bettiness.

Read an Excerpt

Prefatory Note

Once upon a time...

...there was a little girl named Elizabeth. A nice enough name, in general terms, but by the time she was four, she knew it wasn't her. Too austere, oldworld, queenly. She was stuck with it, however. She asked her parents to call her "Judy," but they wouldn't budge. "We didn't give you a beautiful name just to have you change it" was their rationale. She thought it was hopeless. Then she talked to Betty and got a new lease on life!

An Encounter with the Ur-Betty

Betty was her grandparents' Irish housekeeper. She liked her job. Rather than warring with dirt, she coaxed it to go away. When she wasn't waxing the floors or dusting the books, she was alphabetizing the spice rack or regrouting the shower tiles. And no matter how dirty the job, she always managed to look fresh and neat. One might say she was the original "fresh-dressed woman"!

One day when Elizabeth was helping Betty put down new shelf paper in all the kitchen cupboards, Betty, perceptive sort that she was, remarked that Elizabeth seemed glum in spite of their cheerful project.

"I hate my name," Elizabeth moaned. "It's putrid, vile, gross."

Betty winced at those words. "No, no, that's not true. Elizabeth is a fine name."

"Oh, that's easy for you to say. You have a cool name. You're a Betty!" "But Betty is a nickname for Elizabeth," Betty said.

"Jesus, Joseph, and Mary!" Elizabeth exclaimed, an expression she'd learned at Betty's Noxema-scented knee. "I could be a Betty, too!"

"You can, indeed. But just remember, Betty is as Betty does. The name comes with a responsibility."

"Teach me," Elizabeth begged.

"It's simple. It starts up here, in your mind," Betty said, tapping her temple, "and it ends down here, in your hands. Watch the way I approach my tasks. The truth is in the details."

Eureka!

Elizabeth's parents agreed to call her Betsy. And she was happy, and life was good.

An Effective Modus Operandi

It didn't take Little Betty long to figure out that there were advantages to having a point of view like Big Betty's. Her world was orderly, her vision clear. Nothing ever bothered her, and she always had a solution to every problem that arose, from how to disguise the mysterious stains on the Romulus and Remus wallpaper in the downstairs bathroom to what Little Betty should wear to a slumber party given by a girl from a different school. By following Big Betty's advice and paying attention to the minutiae of everyday existence, Little Betty soon procured a handle on the big picture as well. As it turned out, life did not have to be as unpredictable as it sometimes seemed. There was a way not only to perceive some sense of order in the universe, but to create it. All one had to do was, well, be a Betty!

Betties, Betties Everywhere

As Little Betty grew, she soon discovered that there were other Betties in the world who also appeared to have an extra measure of knowledge about the secret of life. There was Betty from Archie comics who led a rather idyllic, uncomplicated teenage existence, as did the Betty on Father Knows Best. Betty White, Betty Furness, and Betty Ford were the kind of sturdy, resourceful women who smiled no matter what was going on in their lives, while the enigmatic Betty Crocker made cake and muffin mixes that tasted just as good in the mixing bowl as they did after they were baked. Bette Midler cleverly began her career singing in the bathhouses in downtown New York, where the steam no doubt did as much for her pores as it did for her vocal cords. And, with admirable timing, Betty Friedan meticulously documented The Feminine Mystique.

Then there were the unsung Betties, the Betties who were not famous but who'd nevertheless been blessed with a name that set them apart. Regardless of their race or creed or social class, they performed their daily tasks with a panache and style that made it seem as though they could, if fate called them to do so, fill the shoes of a Barbara Billingsley or a Donna Reed any day. Although they excelled at home economics, their talents extended beyond the household sphere. Anything they touched was as quickly whipped into shape as a meringue topping. Betties adored the kitchen, but they found much to love in the office, the laboratory, and outer space exploration as well.

What's in a Name?

As I continued to delve into this phenomenon — yes, I was Little Betty! — I noticed that bettiness was everywhere, in a disproportionate relation to the number of people who were actually named Betty (like moi!). In my research, I came across countless women who had all the characteristics of a betty but who happened instead to be called Mary or Sally or Sue. And then there were the men, the Felix Ungers of this world, who proved time and again that bettiness was not a gender-linked phenomenon. All these good folks had the betty sensibility, and they were living the betty life. They just didn't know what to call it.

But Enough about Me, What Do You Think of My Discovery?

As for myself, my intuition about the value of a betty lifestyle was frequently confirmed. Whenever I went astray, things went wrong. For a while, I had a self-destructive fantasy about being a spontaneous, hangloose type, but a few close calls with spontaneity and things that hung loose served well to disabuse me of that plan. I knew bettiness was the better way, and that was that.

Since then, I have not only tried to live up to betty principles, but also made it my life's work to gather evidence of betty consciousness in our time, and throughout history. This book presents the theory that I have deduced from the facts, as well as provides many interactive opportunities for the reader to hone his or her own betty skills. Did Jean-Paul Sartre ever provide as much old-fashioned fun, not to mention a means to a permanent positive outlook, in any of his books? Je crois que non

The Moral

When we face the world with a bettitude (a betty attitude), we find we are able to solve all our problems within the time frame of an average television sitcom. It isn't true that one can't get no satisfaction. One can, and one should. Most of us are betties to some degree. How far you want to go with it is up to you. The possibilities are endless — within reason. And remember, de singulis agere veritas, so speed-read at your own risk.

Copyright© 1997 by A.E.D.