The master of the nearly true is back with The Blue Guide to Indiana, an ersatz travel book for the Hoosier State. Michael Martone, whose trademark is the blurring of the lines between fact and fiction, has created an Indiana that almost is, a landscape marked by Lover's Lane franchises and pharmaceutical drug theme parks. Visit the Trans-Indiana Mayonnaise Pipeline and the Field of Lightbulbs. Learn about Our Lady of the Big Hair and Feet or the history of the License Plate Insurrection of 1979. Let Martone guide you through every inch of the amazing state that is home to the Hoosier Infidelity Resort Area, the National Monument for Those Killed by Tornadoes in Trailer Parks and Mobile Home Courts, and the Annual Eyeless Fish Fry. All your questions will be answered, including many you never thought to ask (like: "What's a good recipe for Pork Cake?").
The master of the nearly true is back with The Blue Guide to Indiana, an ersatz travel book for the Hoosier State. Michael Martone, whose trademark is the blurring of the lines between fact and fiction, has created an Indiana that almost is, a landscape marked by Lover's Lane franchises and pharmaceutical drug theme parks. Visit the Trans-Indiana Mayonnaise Pipeline and the Field of Lightbulbs. Learn about Our Lady of the Big Hair and Feet or the history of the License Plate Insurrection of 1979. Let Martone guide you through every inch of the amazing state that is home to the Hoosier Infidelity Resort Area, the National Monument for Those Killed by Tornadoes in Trailer Parks and Mobile Home Courts, and the Annual Eyeless Fish Fry. All your questions will be answered, including many you never thought to ask (like: "What's a good recipe for Pork Cake?").
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The master of the nearly true is back with The Blue Guide to Indiana, an ersatz travel book for the Hoosier State. Michael Martone, whose trademark is the blurring of the lines between fact and fiction, has created an Indiana that almost is, a landscape marked by Lover's Lane franchises and pharmaceutical drug theme parks. Visit the Trans-Indiana Mayonnaise Pipeline and the Field of Lightbulbs. Learn about Our Lady of the Big Hair and Feet or the history of the License Plate Insurrection of 1979. Let Martone guide you through every inch of the amazing state that is home to the Hoosier Infidelity Resort Area, the National Monument for Those Killed by Tornadoes in Trailer Parks and Mobile Home Courts, and the Annual Eyeless Fish Fry. All your questions will be answered, including many you never thought to ask (like: "What's a good recipe for Pork Cake?").
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781573668521 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | University of Alabama Press |
| Publication date: | 07/01/2014 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 120 |
| File size: | 786 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
The Blue Guide to Indiana
By Michael Martone
The University of Alabama Press
Copyright © 2001 Michael MartoneAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-57366-852-1
CHAPTER 1
A LETTER FROM THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR OF THE STATE OF INDIANA
There is no argument that the State of Indiana is the Birthplace of Vice Presidents. Seven Hoosiers have held the second highest office in the land. Thirteen more have run unsuccessfully for the office. Indiana is, after all, the only state in the union which holds primary elections expressly for the selection of Vice President. Hence, the first lesson gleaned by the careful reader of this guide is that Indiana endows those of "second" station with boundless respect and all requisite power. Thus, the constitution of the state recognizes the Lieutenant Governor, that would be me, as the ultimate executive in our government, with the Governor serving mainly as President of our Senate and as "Designated Father of the Bride" in our traditional wedding service.
But our governmental uniqueness does not end there. Let me draw your attention to The John Chancellor Memorial Pavilion in downtown Indianapolis, designed by the architect Michael Graves, from which, in every national election since 1958, powerful microwave transmissions emanate at precisely a nanosecond after the closing of Indiana polling places, uplinking the expected information to news dissemination organizations everywhere. Once in space, the signal rebounds off orbiting dedicated satellites, also designed by the architect Michael Graves, and received instantaneously in New York City, indicating a clear Republican victory in order for Indiana to be "called" for the Republican candidate immediately upon the commencement of that evening's National News.
The building also contains a Baptistry where those public officials elected as Democrats gather during their ritual conversion to Republican status. Now this realignment of party affiliation is standard for every politician in this state (I myself have run and won various offices as a Democrat three times, each time renouncing the party and becoming a Republican upon election). The Baptistry hosts many out-of-state conversions as well. Delightful quirks such as the above, unique to our state, hint at the many other distinctive features of Indiana chronicled by this guide.
The state, recognizing the value of your visit, now offers the only Ph.D. in tourism in the country at its Bloomington campus of Indiana University where out-of-state tuition is less than that paid by those in-state. The degree can easily be obtained during your two-week jaunt through the state if you utilize the regional campuses and distant learning facilities. Revenue from the tourism industry, according to the 1990 census, contributes nearly two-thirds of our state's gross income (coming in ahead of agriculture and hard currency derived from out-of-state relatives sending checks and money orders to their locally domesticated kin).
It is my honor also to introduce you to our newly renovated rest areas located a few feet inside every border. Here political appointees gladly greet you, the visitor, with refreshing pawpaw canapes and free glasses of buttermilk cider drawn from our state's native bison herds.
Those of you relocating to Indiana will find this edition of this guide indispensable to your relocation. Though I was born above my father's hobby store in Atwood, I myself found the following information informative. From the seismic hills outside Etna to the deepest coal mines down around Evansville, you will find this guide a godsend for your orientation to your new home. This book will help you find all of it. Bring your cameras to record each corner of the state's picturesque beauty from the excitement of our sporting events to the annual draining of the swamps, from the blessing of the crop-dusting fleet to the continual sweeping of the front porch steps by the widows of North Judson.
Be sure to visit me in my office at the State House, and I'll be happy to show you the famous desk (its top cut in the shape of Indiana and made from weathered planks taken from the teakwood deck of the USS Indiana). I will gladly present you with a complimentary bottle washer, manufactured by our sister state of Xi Juan, in the People's Republic of China, and a vial of rancid though medicinal French Lick's Own World Famous Pluto Springs Water, the secret ingredient of this, the most regular state in the union. Indiana!
Indianapolis 2001
CHAPTER 2PRACTICAL INFORMATION
* * *
What to Wear
Indiana's ambient temperature is a mild mean of 54 degrees Fahrenheit. The state is considered in the temperate zone, and its climate supports a deciduous woodland ecology, though much of the native forest and swamp was eliminated in the 19th century or has retreated underground to form clandestine niches in the area's many caves and caverns. The visitor should pack for rain and snow as the state experiences "lake effect" precipitation, located as it is on the leeside of Lake Michigan and in the Great Lakes basin. Snowfall can be expected, for this reason, as late as June. Mosquito netting and light clothing are also recommended, as Indiana is home to 837 sub-species of the insect, aggressively incubated in the state's few remaining bogs and marshes, as well as in the state mosquito hatcheries. The concentration of the mosquito infestation makes the population extremely competitive and host to a wide variety of interesting and colorful parasites for which the mosquitoes serve as vectors. Native dress, which is still worn routinely by the local population, includes the baseball cap, Indian beaded belt, and argyle rayon hose. Poplin windbreaker and fingerless woolen gloves for males, and halter tops, plastic barrettes, and acid-washed denim jeans for females are common attire. Tribal affiliations are often subtle and involve bandana kerchiefs worn in ritual knotted styles, and colorful canvas and rubber basketball footwear. Visitors are asked to refrain from including such clothing in their travel wardrobe as it is often simple to give offense, and the consequences of such misunderstanding are many times severe and dramatic.
* * *
Currency
Indiana recognizes the legal tender of the United States of America but today also circulates other currency within its borders. S&H Green Stamps issued mid-century are particularly popular, as are coupons gleaned from Bel Air cigarettes when bundled in rubber band bound packs of 500. Descendants of immigrant Venetians who operate a barter-based culture in the lake and canal district of northern Indiana have issued a scrip from time to time which you are invited to counterfeit when and wherever possible. The selling of futures has become quite popular, due perhaps to the proximity of the Chicago Mercantile Exchanges. A significant percentage of the population engages in the trading of weather futures, the result of which is the amassing of one of the largest fortunes in the country controlled by the Sanders brothers of Nashville, who also have a major stake in the franchise on the coloring used in hardwood tree foliage each fall. There is also a lively business to be made in scrap copper wire which is utilized by the state's vast magnet wire and cable cartel. During periods of copper panic, the electrical systems of inhabited houses have been known to be stolen outright while their owners sleep. Routine business is often performed using pennies, exclusively, whose value fluctuates daily, the price being fixed at 8:30 each morning at the Copper Exchange in New Haven. A tradition is to present young girls with spools of thread gauge copper wire on their namedays (see page 25). The thread is used later in the sewing of their wedding trousseaus.
* * *
Getting There
Indiana may be reached by packet boat and rail handcar operated as a concession by the remnants of the Miami tribal council. There are a variety of commuter flights scheduled to arrive daily at the various international airports, the appellation "international" denoting the fact that the air traveler needs to pass through Canadian or Mexican airports to connect with those flights. The last railroad car float runs between Windsor, Ontario, and Fort Wayne. The motorist will note that the highway gauge switches from the standard dimension to the narrow one upon entering the state and that one's tires must be changed out at the border to accommodate the change. Many travelers arrive in the state by means of tramp van line. Cruising freight trucks plying transcontinental routes provide a few berths to the traveler not pressed for time. Amenities, while not always to the standard of luxury found on the bus lines, are often quite comfortable and include staterooms, buffets, swimming pools, and a traveling driving range atop the trailer.
* * *
The Time
Indiana does not participate in Daylight Savings Time and is, ostensively, on Eastern Standard Time the year round. However, time has always been problematic here (two civil wars have been fought over the time), and the traveler should not depend on any modern systematic reckoning of the hour while in the state. Most municipalities, townships, and county governments maintain an Office of Time and an elected Keeper who shoots sun time daily, fixing the noon zenith as an official and local reference. Some kind of broadcast device (in most cases a tornado siren or air-raid klaxon) then issues a local alarm in order for residents to set their own clocks and watches. This is somewhat complicated each spring during the tornado season and was quite disruptive during the early days of the Second World War. This issue is further exacerbated in the southern counties (in which President Lincoln lived as a boy) where the clocks must, by law, always read ten till ten, the moment of Lincoln's assassination. Consequently, the citizenry there maintains, simultaneously, a secret set of clocks which always measures time relative to 9:50. This may cause such circumlocutions as, "The time is three hours and forty-seven minutes before ten till ten."
* * *
Tipping
Indiana rickshaw drivers routinely expect seven and a half percent of the metered fare and one dollar for each bag handled. Standard practices of tipping apply to those who serve food, though they will also accept strands of wire, and in the case of cocktail bar and tavern employees it is not necessary to strip the colored plastic insulating the wire and is usually considered an insult or an indication of the customer's dissatisfaction if stripped wire is left as a tip. There is one doorman in the state, and his services are provided gratis to the public, as he is supported by endowment from the state's canal royalties. He does however expect a Christmas present each year, and his current hat, collar, and waist size are posted on the day after Thanksgiving at the corner of Washington and Meridian in a third floor window of the old L.S. Ayres building in Indianapolis.
* * *
Phones, Mail, Telegraph
Indiana supports a network of freestanding kiosks maintained by the blind. Usually painted red and located in parking lots adjacent to shopping centers, the kiosks are open 24 hours a day. In addition to dispensing confections and reading material, these kiosks provide, for a surcharge, access to the telephonic, telegraphic, and postal systems of communication. Indiana is the last state to provide self-service telegraph keys to the consumer. The kiosks are also the source for important travel information, maps, snake-bite kits, spiral mosquito coil repellant, postcards, shoe-strings, currency exchange, and film for the camera. The kiosks serve as the de facto birth control clinics for the state, providing a variety of products to those 14 years and older.
* * *
Inoculations and Required Vaccines
Indiana has one living American Elm tree. It is preserved in a specially constructed arboretum on Elm Street in Elmsville. Consequently, the state requires visitors to provide documentation attesting to inoculation against the Dutch Elm Disease. The state parasite is ringworm, which is, as ringworm is a fungus, also the state fungus. Thus ringworm is a protected species as is its habitat. As of August 1955, the state has suffered an outbreak of hepatitis H which requires the wearing of plastic gloves by everyone at all times except when eating. Allergies to latex and PVC gloves are pandemic. Most municipal water supplies have been treated with fluoride as have all sources of Eucharist bread and wafers. The vaccine to ward off crying is suggested for those planning to visit Indiana, as are boosters to prevent dreaming and whistling.
* * *
Where to Stay
Indiana has an extensive state-administered motel chain considered "B" class lodging. Reservations can be made at any kiosk for any room in the state. The bright blue Quonset Huts of the state motels are often found near bus terminals and the many bucolic basketball parks. Camping is frowned upon, as it is not understood by the typical Hoosier, though private and public yurt grounds are available throughout the state. Many private homes offer lodging, and it is not inappropriate to ask to see the room, usually in the basement, before settling on a price. Rooms are also brokered through an 800 number. Complete hotels or single family cabins can be constructed overnight on any public commons by roving manufacturing crews representing the mobile and modular home interests near Nappanee. First Class accommodations are scarce but are represented by the resorts at French Lick and West Baden Springs, now mainly used by retired mobsters from Chicago who still have their private railcars parked on sidings on the resorts' grounds. Don't overlook the former tuberculosis sanatoriums and state hospitals for the insane, their patients now mainstreamed into the general population. The physical plants of these institutions have been refitted to provide Deluxe accommodations in a Victorian setting. Indiana is considered by the hospitality industry to suffer a surplus of medium-priced rooms, so reservations are rarely required. Only in the winter months should the traveler take the precaution of calling ahead. During that season, accommodations are sometimes taxed, as African and Indonesian anthropology majors are most likely to be "walking in" to the towns and villages of their subject population.
* * *
Transportation
Indiana is the home of the last vestige of the once extensive interurban light rail network, a creature of the electrical production and transmission companies that provided the power for the high speed trolleys and the rights of way beneath their wires for track. The Chicago, South Shore, and South Bend (C,SS&SB) still operates daily in a commuter capacity between those namesake cities.
Traffic safety has always been a major concern for the citizens of the state. The first fatality in the nation associated with a traffic light occurred in Fort Wayne when the eight year old Maurice Norton, crossing with the light at Jefferson and Calhoun, was run down by a Maxwell Demon piloted by a driver from Ohio. Today, everyone who drives in the state must qualify to do so. In addition to the standard motor vehicle testing, drivers must also earn a special certificate awarded after extensive training at the Grant County Safety Village outside Marion. This half-size replication of streetscapes, super highways, and country market roads simulates a variety of real life driving hazards and responses. Yearly, on the anniversary of the mishap, the safety village stages the historical pageant commemorating the automotive accident which took the life of native son, James Dean, whose performing double, drawn from Fairmount Junior High School's 8th grade, is selected through a rigorous competitive process. The accident is lovingly staged and produced by the school's chapter of the Future Farmers of America and 4-H.
Indiana supports competing statewide chains of jin rickshaw fleets, the Safety and the Checker companies. By law, rickshaws for hire must be painted yellow and be equipped with a meter to distinguish them from the privately operated rickshaws. These rickshaws for hire operate locally but can be retained for intrastate travel along the converted interurban rail right of ways between larger metropolitan areas.
If using the federal interstate highway system in the region, be aware that I-72 is an "airline" whose roadway transverses the entire state, elevated on concrete pylons from Terra Haute to Richmond, having no exits or entrances to Indiana below this limited access corridor. Rest areas and service stations are provided at suspended platforms spaced evenly along the route.
Indiana, due to its favorable laws concerning interstate commerce, is home to several major moving and transfer companies. During summer months the cities of Evansville, Indianapolis, and Fort Wayne (homes of the larger companies based here) often experience crippling gridlock as the fleets of vans congregate in these headquarter cities to shift loads, re-route deliveries, and dispatch expedited merchandise. Fort Wayne, home of North American Van Lines, for example, sees a concentration of nearly a quarter million trucks during the summer migration, about one van per resident. It is not rare to witness many complete living room ensembles or bedroom suites assembled on lawns, in parks, or upon parking lots as the contents of the moves are redistributed using any available space for the sorting. Indiana has become, therefore, a haven for the amateur truck watcher during this season, and many travel from Europe or Asia to record these new sightings, perhaps to register that rare Peterbilt or International cabover.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Blue Guide to Indiana by Michael Martone. Copyright © 2001 Michael Martone. Excerpted by permission of The University of Alabama Press.
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