The Child in You: The Breakthrough Method for Bringing Out Your Authentic Self

by Stefanie Stahl

Overview

The breakthrough two-million-copy international bestseller about how to befriend your inner child to find happiness

"Compassionate, clear-eyed, and insightful . . . The Child in You is like your own personal therapist that you can carry around with you." —Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

Nominated for Malcolm Gladwell, Susan Cain, Adam Grant, and Daniel H. Pink’s Next Big Idea Club

We all want to be loved and to feel safe to express who we really are. But over time we grow estranged from what brings us our purest happiness—because everyday traumas, unyielding societal expectations, and the judgment of our parents and peers submerge our true self beneath layers of behaviors rooted in fear and shame and mistrust. In The Child in You, psychologist Stefanie Stahl guides you, step-by-step, through her therapeutic method that has helped millions to peel away these layers and reconnect with their inner child—both the shadow child, representing our deepest insecurities and the part of our self-esteem that is injured and unstable, and the sun child, representing our greatest joys and the part of our self-esteem that remains positive and intact.

The many examples and exercises in this book will help you discover your shadow child and sun child, identify which of the shadow child's dozen self-protection strategies are at work in you, and put into practice the array of proven self-reflection strategies to overcome negative influences and beliefs. Because it's never too late to have a happy childhood, or to bring your authentic self out from the shadows so you can embody your radiant individuality.

A PENGUIN LIFE TITLE

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780143135937
Publisher:	Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date:	12/29/2020
Pages:	352
Sales rank:	297,282
Product dimensions:	5.10(w) x 7.70(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Stefanie Stahl is a clinical psychologist and the bestselling author of more than ten books. She has had her own psychotherapy practice in Germany for more than twenty-five years and conducts seminars about self-esteem, love, and the fear of commitment. The Child in You has sold more than two million copies in Germany, where it has been the #1 bestselling nonfiction book for five consecutive years, and has been translated into more than thirty languages.

Read an Excerpt

The Child in You Wants to Find a Home

 

Everybody needs a place where they feel protected, secure, and welcome. Everybody yearns for a place where they can relax and be fully themselves. Ideally, the childhood home was one such place. For those of us who felt accepted and loved by our parents, our home provided this warmth. It was a heartwarming place-the very thing that everybody yearns for. And we internalize this feeling from childhood-that of being accepted and welcome-as a fundamental, positive attitude toward life that accompanies us through adulthood: we feel secure in the world and in our own life. We're self-confident and trusting of others. There's the notion of basic trust, which is like a home within ourselves, providing us with internal support and protection.

 

Many people, however, associate their childhood with largely negative experiences, some even traumatic. Others had an unhappy childhood, but have repressed those memories. They can barely recall what happened. Then there are those who believe their childhood was "normal" or even "happy," only to discover, upon closer examination, that they have been deluding themselves. And though people may attempt to repress or, as an adult, downplay childhood experiences of insecurity or rejection, there are moments in everyday life that will reveal how underdeveloped their basic trust remains. They have self-esteem issues and frequently doubt that they are welcome and that their coworkers, romantic partner, boss, or new friend truly likes them. They don't really like themselves all that much, they have a range of insecurities, and they often struggle in relationships. Unable to develop basic trust, they therefore lack a sense of internal support. Instead, they hope that others will provide them with these feelings of security, protection, stability, and home. They search for home with their partner, their colleagues, in their softball league, or online, only to be disappointed: other people can provide this feeling of home sporadically at best. Those who lack a home on the inside will never find one on the outside. They can't tell that they're caught in a trap.

 

When we talk about these childhood influences-which, along with our genetic makeup, largely define our character and self-esteem-we are discussing a part of our personality referred to in psychology as the "inner child." In other words, the inner child represents the sum of impressions made on us as children-the good and the bad, experienced through our parents and other important figures. We don't consciously remember most of these experiences. They are, however, permanently etched on our unconscious mind. It's safe to say that the inner child is a significant part of the unconscious. It's the fears, concerns, and adversities we have experienced from the cradle onward. On the other hand, it also represents all the positive influences from our youth.

 

The negative influences are what primarily plague us as adults. After all, the child within us works hard not to relive the humiliations and injuries it suffered during childhood. At the same time, this child still yearns for the feelings of security and approval that came up short back then. These fears and desires are active in the recesses of our consciousness. On the conscious level, we are independent adults living our lives. On the unconscious level, however, our inner child exercises significant sway over our perception, behavior, and ways of feeling and thinking. It's far stronger than our intellect, in fact. It has been scientifically proven that the unconscious is an incredibly powerful mental force that steers upward of 80 to 90 percent of our experiences and actions.

 

An example to illustrate: Michael loses his temper every time his partner, Sarah, forgets something that's important to him. She recently forgot to buy his favorite kind of chips while grocery shopping, and he completely flipped out. Sarah was stunned-to her, it was just a bag of chips. To Michael, meanwhile, it was as if the world were ending. What was going on?

 

Michael doesn't realize that it's his inner child that feels disregarded and disrespected when Sarah forgets something important to him, even if that's just a bag of chips. He doesn't know that the reason for his rage isn't Sarah and the forgotten snack, but rather a deep wound from the past: namely the fact that his mother did not take his wishes seriously when he was a child. With her shopping mistake, Sarah unwittingly poured salt in this old wound. Since Michael doesn't see the connection between his reaction toward Sarah and his experiences with his mother, however, his own influence over his feelings and behavior is limited. The fight about chips isn't an isolated event. Michael and Sarah fight frequently about mundane things, because neither is aware of what their disagreements are truly about, and because-like Michael-Sarah is governed by her inner child. Her inner child is sensitive to criticism, because when she was young, she could rarely do anything right for her parents. As a result, Michael's outbursts trigger old childhood feelings in Sarah, making her feel small and worthless, irritated and offended. Sometimes Michael and Sarah even think it would be better to split up, because they bicker so frequently and hurt each other'so deeply.

 

If each were attuned to what their inner child desired and the pain it felt, though, Michael and Sarah could share these insights rather than fighting superficially about a forgotten bag of chips or an overly critical remark. They would certainly get along much better, growing closer instead of attacking one another.

 

That said, ignorance of the inner child doesn't cause conflict only in romantic relationships. Whenever we're aware of the backstory, it's plain that most disagreements aren't two self-possessed adults collaborating to solve a problem; instead, it's two inner children duking it out. For example, when an employee responds to the boss's criticism by quitting. Or when one government reacts with military force to another state's border violation. Ignorance of the inner child causes many people great unhappiness with themselves and their lives, and allows interpersonal conflicts to arise and often escalate uncontrollably.

 

This is not to say that people who had a happy childhood and gained basic trust are just strolling through life without a care or problem in the world. Their inner child has also sustained certain injuries, because there is no such thing as perfect parents or a perfect childhood. In addition to the positive influences gained from their parents, these people have also inherited difficult traits that can cause problems later in life. These issues may not be as obvious as Michael's outbursts. Perhaps they struggle to trust people outside the family, or dislike making big decisions. Maybe they would rather play it safe than go out on a limb. Whatever the case may be, negative influences from childhood limit us, hindering both our personal development and our relationships.

 

Ultimately, this applies to most people: only once we have met and befriended our inner child will we come to recognize the deep desires and scars we carry within ourselves. Only then can we accept this part of our soul, and even begin to heal to a certain degree. As a result, our self-esteem can grow, and the child within us will finally find a home. This is the prerequisite for forming friendlier, happier, and more tranquil relationships. It is also the prerequisite for leaving relationships that are bad for us or even make us sick.

 

This book aims to help you meet your inner child and become friends with it. It will help you shed the old patterns that always lead to dead ends and hard times. It will show you how to acquire helpful new attitudes and behaviors instead, which you can then use to build a much happier life and relationships.

 

Models of Our Personality

 

On the surface of our consciousness, our problems often appear complicated and difficult to solve. It can also be hard for us to understand other people's behaviors and feelings. We lack the proper perspective, whether on ourselves or others. The human psyche, however, isn't actually that complicated a structure. Simply stated, it is possible to divide the psyche into various parts: there are the childish parts and the adult parts, the conscious levels and the unconscious levels. When you become familiar with this personality structure, it becomes possible to work with it and solve many of the issues that once appeared insurmountable. In this book, I intend to explain how this is done.

 

As I wrote earlier, the inner child is a metaphor for the unconscious parts of our personality that were defined in our childhood. Our emotional life is attributed to the inner child: our fear, pain, grief, and anger, but also our joy, happiness, and love. Parts of the inner child are thus positive and happy, together with those parts that are negative and sad. We aim to become better acquainted and work with both in this book.

 

Then there's the adult-self, which can also be called the "inner adult." This mental entity encompasses our rational and reasonable mind-in other words, our thinking. Operating as our adult-self, we may assume responsibility, plan, act in anticipation of eventualities, recognize and understand connections, weigh risks, and also regulate the child-self, or inner child. The adult-self behaves consciously and intentionally.

 

As it happens, Sigmund Freud was the first to divide the personality into different parts. What is referred to in modern psychology as the inner child or child-self, Freud termed the "id." Freud named the adult-self the "ego." He went on to describe the "super-ego," which serves as a sort of moral entity within us and is known in modern psychology as the parental-self or inner critic. When our inner critic is active, we might say to ourselves, "Don't be so stupid! You're worthless and can't do anything right. There's no way you can pull this off."

 

Modern therapy approaches, such as schema therapy, divide the three main selves-child, adult, and parent-into further submodes, such as the hurt, happy, or angry inner child, or the punitive or sympathetic inner parent. Famous German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun (1944-) has gone so far as to coin the term "inner team" to describe the wide range of subpersonalities found within any given person.

 

I, on the other hand, would like to keep things as simple and pragmatic as possible. Things quickly become unwieldy and stressful when attempting to manage too many inner modes at once. I will therefore limit myself in this book to the happy inner child, the hurt inner child, and the inner adult. In my experience, these three modes are more than sufficient for solving our problems. I am, however, replacing the terms "happy inner child" and "hurt inner child" with "sun child" and "shadow child," which are much catchier and nicer-sounding.

 

The sun child and the shadow child are both expressions of the part of our personality referred to as the inner child, which stands for our unconscious. Strictly speaking, only one unconscious-that is, one inner child-exists. What's more, it isn't always an unconscious feeling. As soon as we start working with the inner child, the feeling becomes conscious. On the other hand, the sun child and the shadow child also represent different states of consciousness. This differentiation is largely pragmatic rather than scientific. In my many years working as a psychotherapist, I have developed a system for solving problems that draws upon the metaphors of the sun child and the shadow child, and that you can use to resolve almost any issue. The qualifier "almost" refers to those problems that lie outside your control. Among these are illness, the death of a loved one, war, natural disasters, violent crimes, and sexual abuse. It's worth noting, however, that a person's personality will inform their ability to overcome these awful twists of fate. Those who were already at odds with their shadow child will naturally struggle more than those with a sun child's disposition. In this sense, people whose main problem stems from a tragic incident also have something to gain from this book. Those who will profit most, however, are people whose problems are "homemade." These problems are found largely within the realm of personal responsibility and include relationship issues, depressed moods, stress, fear of the future, apathy, panic attacks, compulsive behaviors, and so on. These are the problems, after all, that can ultimately be traced back to the impact of our shadow child-or, in other words, back to our sense of self-worth.

 

The Shadow Child

and the Sun Child

 

How we feel and the feelings we are able to perceive (or rather, those that come up short) all hinge on our innate temperament and childhood experiences. Our unconscious beliefs play an important role here. In psychology, a belief is a deeply held conviction that expresses an attitude toward ourselves or our interpersonal relationships. Many beliefs emerge from interactions between the child and its caretakers in the first years of the child's life. For instance, an inner belief could be "I'm okay" or "I'm not okay." Over the course of our childhood and throughout our life, we will internalize both positive and negative beliefs. Positive beliefs such as "I'm okay" developed in situations in which we felt accepted and loved by the people we were closest to. They strengthen us. Negative beliefs such as "I'm not okay," on the other hand, grew out of situations in which we felt out of place and rejected. They weaken us.

 

The shadow child encompasses our negative beliefs and the associated oppressive feelings of grief, fear, helplessness, or anger. These give rise to defense mechanisms, or self-protection strategies, which we develop to deal with these feelings-or better yet, to avoid feeling them at all. Common self-protection strategies include withdrawal, keeping the peace, perfectionism, aggression and attack, or vying for power or control. I'll be going into much greater detail about beliefs, feelings, and self-protection strategies. At this point, all you need to understand is that the shadow child stands for that part of our self-esteem that is injured and unstable.

 

The sun child, on the other hand, embodies our positive influences and feelings. It epitomizes the happy child in its spontaneity, adventurousness, curiosity, abandon, vitality, drive, and zest for life. The sun child is a metaphor for the part of our self-esteem that remains intact. Even people carrying a lot of childhood baggage have healthy parts of their personality and experience situations in which they don't overreact. They also feel happy, curious, and playful at times-that is to say, times when the sun child is present. Nevertheless, the sun child appears far too seldom in people who had a dark childhood. In this book, we will therefore work especially hard at encouraging the sun child, while comforting the shadow child so that it can relax, knowing it has been seen and allowing it to make room for its sunny counterpart.

Editorial Reviews

01/04/2021

German clinical psychologist Stahl (Yes, No, Maybe) uses the metaphor of the inner child to help readers work through formative childhood experiences in this compassionate work. She proposes that the inner child is an unconscious part of one’s personality defined in childhood, which is split between the “shadow child” (feelings of helplessness that inspire defense mechanisms and self-protection) and the “sun child,” (feelings of love and protection that inspire self-esteem) and is often in conflict with one’s “inner adult,” or “our rational and reasonable mind.” As people try to secure the four basic psychological needs of connection, autonomy, pleasure, and avoidance of displeasure, Stahl posits, the shadow child’s negative beliefs lead to self-protection strategies that result in perfectionism, overadjustment, conflict avoidance, and other negative habits. To heal the shadow child, Stahl recommends reinforcing one’s sun child and inner adult through self-reflection, rational analysis, and speaking to oneself as the shadow child. Stahl argues that one is “100 percent responsible” for one’s own happiness, and that happiness must be attained through dismantling negative self-defense mechanisms and cultivating one’s ability to live in the moment. Readers of psychology or self-help will be enlightened by this straightforward, intuitive, and sensitive investigation. (Jan.)

Publishers Weekly

[An] insightful exhortation for self-acceptance . . . It’s easy to understand why . . . it was the number one bestselling non-fiction title for three consecutive years [in Germany]. . . . A helpful guide that offers lots to think about, combined with practical advice.” ―Booklist

“A fascinating insight into how our childhoods can cause us problems now but how simple exercises can give your inner child back the confidence and clarity we all want.” ―Stylist

“At long last, this million-copy international bestseller is available for English-speaking readers. Clinical psychologist Stefanie Stahl explains how to shed past traumas and societal pressures to uncover your most joyful, most authentic self.” ―Next Big Idea Club Magazine

“[Stefanie Stahl’s] paradigm for getting in touch with your inner child puts your truest self within easy reach.” ―Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

“This book is a revelation. I can see why so many people all over the world have found in it a path to happiness, self-love, and fulfilling relationships.” ―Marci Shimoff, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Happy for No Reason and Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul

“It’s almost impossible to read this book without contemplating your childhood and identifying areas for expansion and healing. Stefanie’s practical, informative, inspiring, and highly-accessible approach to addressing psychological phenomena makes this book a hit in my eyes. I highly recommend people buy this book and do the exercises provided.” ―Vex King, bestselling author of Good Vibes, Good Life

“I adored this book! Both mind-expanding and easy to digest, it is extremely helpful to me as a person, partner, mother, and writer, and my life is definitely better―brighter, more enjoyable, less dominated by fear―for having read it.” ―Cathy Rentzenbrink, bestselling author of The Last Act of Love

“For anyone who goes on a personal growth journey, it is impossible to reach full wholeness without inner child work. This breakthrough guide is a must-read for anyone who is committed to healing, happiness, and full health. Stefanie Stahl offers effective strategies to help you trust yourself so you can live a fulfilling, authentic, connected life.” —Shannon Kaiser, author of The Self-Love Experiment and Joy Seeker

“I thoroughly recommend The Child in You, which will help anyone who wants to improve their mental wellbeing. We should all know our inner child, and Stefanie Stahl shows how we can get to do so, exploring this concept with warmth and accessibility.” ―Julia Samuel, author of Grief Works

“A thousand thanks for this simplified path to discovering your inner child. I have used this therapeutic model in my practice to excellent results. In fact, in a recent seminar, a 73-year-old man broke out in tears and stammered: ‘All of my major life decisions are becoming clear to me now.’ He put his wife’s hand over his own, clutched both to his heart, and promised his inner child: ‘I will heal us before our life on earth is over.’ ” —Hilde Wiemann, certified family and relationship coach

“This book has helped countless people open their hearts to themselves again, and in doing so has truly brought a wave of love into the world.” ―Eva-Maria Zurhorst, couples therapist and bestselling author

“Stefanie Stahl has succeeded in getting psychological issues out of the sickness corner and making them so accepted that her exercises make you want to deal with yourself and develop personally. Many of my clients have taken The Child in You as the impetus for further therapy or coaching and said that without it, they would never have had the drive to really take this step.” ―Jasmin Schott Carvalheiro, psychologist, mindfulness trainer, and author
 
“Stefanie Stahl is a gift, and her book is a miracle weapon―clear, understandable, never didactic. It dispenses with the usual empty phrases and esoteric calendar slogans and shines with real, tried-and-true knowledge. It’s an absolute eye-opener! Stefanie Stahl is without a doubt the most successful psychotherapist in German-speaking countries. And rightly so. I love her.” ―Lars Amend, life coach, bestselling author, and podcast host
 
“The Child in You is kind of a ‘therapy to go.’ It can be used at any time, wherever you are. The goal is to find a home in yourself. The path is self-reflection. You will recognize and understand deeply entrenched patterns. You can reshape them. And you will be surprised how the book continues to work internally.” ―Dr. Christian Bernreiter, business coach and author
 
“Stefanie Stahl has the unique ability to address both the mind and the heart in a way that is simple, clear, and practical. Her books have helped millions to navigate emotional turmoil and intimate relationships with more maturity and ease.” ―Vivian Dittmar, course instructor, author, and founder of the Be the Change foundation
 
“Like no other, Stefanie Stahl has a gift for explaining complex psychological phenomena in a vivid and catchy way. With her model of the shadow child and the sun child, she has helped millions of readers to bolster their self-esteem and develop more zest for life.” ―Jens Corssen, psychologist, business coach, and author
 
“Stefanie Stahl’s books didn't hit a nerve for nothing: They are accessible, practical, down-to-earth, and written with a good dose of humor. Those who practice the exercises can take away effective lessons for life.” ―Andreas Knuf, psychotherapist and author
 
“With The Child in You, Stefanie Stahl has achieved something that was long overdue and that is very close to my heart: to get psychology out of a professional niche―often socially stigmatized―and to place it at the center of our society. She has a playful approach to such topics as self-worth and self-concept and has helped many people.” ―Dr. Tobias Esch, physician, professor, health researcher, and bestselling author

“The Child in You has been an accessible and well-structured aid for patients in my practice for almost five years. The exercises are clear, practical, and very effective. The central concept is completely appropriate for short-term therapy, with very good and measurable success. Concretely depicting the sun child and shadow child helps patients to deal with their childhood problems quickly and effectively.” ―Dr. Yakovlev, specialist in psychiatry and psychotherapy

“This is one of the very rare books that really succeeds in bringing psychological knowledge into the mainstream. . . . Highly recommended.” ―Dr. Elisabeth Kals, professor, Catholic University of Eichstätt-Ingolstadt
 
“Stefanie Stahl has achieved groundbreaking success with her new model of the inner child. With her highly effective method, deep psychological wounds can be healed even without therapy. Millions of readers agree.” ―Dr. Burkardt Düssler, author and specialist in psychosomatic medicine and psychiatry
 
“An exciting and easy read—easy to both understand and work with, and exciting because understanding the concept changes so deeply and fundamentally the way you feel about yourself. It lights the way toward self-acceptance, self-love, and happiness.” ―Karin Behrend, psychotherapist

“This book is an eye-opener and it has literally helped millions of people understand and coach themselves to a better life. I was deeply impressed by Stefanie Stahl’s unique talent for explaining the human psyche and the concepts of inner child work in such an intelligible way. Stefanie’s teachings should be part of the curriculum in primary school, and I can definitely recommend reading and working with them!” ―Dr. Mareike Awe, life coach and bestselling author

From the Publisher