The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have
208
The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have
208eBook
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780760366356 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | becker&mayer! books ISBN |
| Publication date: | 10/01/2019 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 208 |
| File size: | 5 MB |
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CHAPTER 1
AUTOIMMUNE
In which an overachieving immune system causes excess growth in parts of your body that were better left alone.
ACROMEGALY (ALSO GIGANTISM)
In which excess growth hormones make it necessary for you to keep buying new hats, gloves, and shoes.
SYMPTOMS
* enlarged hands and feet
* enlarged facial features
* spreading of teeth
* enlarged tongue
* swelling
* arthritis
* back pain
* curved spine
* tingling sensations
* numbness
* thick skin
* oily skin
* acne
* breathing problems
* fatigue
* headaches
* vision loss
* blindness
* change in menstrual cycle
* reduced sex drive
* impotence
DIAGNOSIS
It's funny how your body changes in very subtle ways, day by day, so that you never really notice it. You look at your reflection in the mirror and it seems a reasonable enough facsimile to the person you saw staring back at you yesterday, but in reality it's slightly different. Time takes its toll, not in great leaps, but in small, measured steps. You have fewer hairs. The wrinkles are deepening beneath your eyes. Your wedding band digs more tightly into your finger. Your skull grows wider, your forehead more sloped. Gaps form between your teeth. And your jaw isn't supposed to protrude from your face quite so prominently, is it? One day, you meet an old friend on the street, and she says, "Holy shit! Why is your head so big?" It's all a part of getting old. Well, getting old and having an acute case of acromegaly (ak''-ro-meg'-ah-le).
The word itself is derived from Greek: akro, meaning "ends" or "extremities," and megas, meaning "large" or "super humongous." The effects of the disease, caused by an excess of growth hormones (brought on most often by a tumor growing on your pituitary gland), usually become apparent during adulthood, manifested as abnormally large hands and feet, but it can also give you a big nose, thick lips, a sloping forehead, and general facial disfigurement so that you end up looking kind of like folk-rock musician Neil Young.
And, yes, it can affect your penis as well—if you have one. It will be much easier to bar chords on your guitar. With that and the penis enlargement, you might think that acromegaly isn't so horrible as horrible diseases go. There are a few downsides. The growth hormones will also affect the organs, which can lead to heart disease, high blood pressure, heart rhythm disorders, diabetes, and colon cancer. Your chances of premature death will be increased 100 percent.
The disease is usually caused by a tumor of the pituitary gland, which is inside your skull, so all sorts of other problems may arise as it grows, squeezing itself against your brain and eyes. These may include headaches, vision loss, reduced sex drive, and impotence. So much for the penis thing.
PREVENTION
If you know a method for preventing tumors from growing inside your skull, then, by all means, use it.
TREATMENT
You can have the pituitary gland removed surgically. This will mean entering the skull through an incision in the nose and digging the tumor out. (Note: Please do not attempt this on your own. Doctors are much more experienced with these things and have much better tools.)
Another option is drug therapy. Pegvisomant, octreotide, and bromocriptine can help normalize the production of growth hormones in the body. But this can take years to produce results, and even if it does, the disfigurement caused by overgrown bones is irreversible.
If neither option works, radiation therapy to the tumor may be necessary, but this may cause permanent loss of pituitary function, and you'll have to take hormone drugs for the rest of your life.
Of Note ...
Andre Roussimoff, more commonly known as Andre the Giant or "The Eighth Wonder of the World," is probably the most famous person afflicted with acromegaly. Diagnosed as a child, he made the most of it and became a professional wrestler, traveling the world and climbing into the ring wherever possible. Eventually asked to join the Worldwide Wrestling Federation (now WWE), he participated in six WrestleManias, at times held both Championship and Tag Team Championship belts, and defeated Big John Studd in the Body Slam Challenge of WrestleMania I. He also traded rhymes with Mandy Patinkin in The Princess Bride.
CORNU CUTANEUM (ALSO CUTANEOUS HORN)
In which you grow a horn, not like a goat, but more like a rhinoceros.
SYMPTOMS
* itching
* tenderness
* skin discoloration
* skin growths
* warts
* a horn
DIAGNOSIS
Doesn't it always happen at the worst time? Your big job interview. The crucial first date with that cute girl from the gym. That indictment hearing for massive corporate fraud. You think you've got everything under control: the right suit, reservations at a trendy Thai restaurant, falsified expense accounts. Then you look in the mirror on the big day and — boom — you've grown a horn on your face.
Cornu cutaneum (kor'-nu ku-ta'-ne-um) always seems to know the most embarrassing times to show up, and since horns can sometimes grow to several inches in length, they're pretty hard to cover up. You can try to explain that it's just a hard, dense, pointy overgrowth of keratin (the same material found in your hair and nails), probably the result of a minor skin tumor from being in the sun too long, but what does it matter? A horn is a horn.
PROGNOSIS
While you can grow a horn anywhere on your body, they tend to grow on your face and hands, areas that are more often exposed to the sun's radiation. The tumors that cause these horns are usually benign, but not always. So, while the horn is not technically a health risk, it may speak of a bigger problem.
PREVENTION
Stay out of the sun. Use lots of sunscreen. Keep away from radiation. If you notice any strange growths or discolorations on your skin, have them looked at by a dermatologist or zoologist.
TREATMENT
The horn is technically dead material, so it can be easily shaved off with a sterile razor blade. However, the cause of the horn will have to be dealt with. Depending on the type of tumor at the base of the horn, this may include such treatments as surgery, radiation therapy, or chemotherapy.
Of Note ...
Your horn is not a true horn. The horns of most horned animals, such as goats and cows, grow directly from the skull. Your horn is more like that of a rhinoceros, a protrusion of hardened keratin growing from the skin. So, if any "comedians" see your horn and decide to start calling you Goat Boy, you can quip back, "Hey, asshole, that's Rhino Boy to you."
GYNAECOMASTIA
In which men grow tits.
SYMPTOMS
* tenderness of the breasts
* breasts
DIAGNOSIS
There are few things that the average heterosexual man enjoys more than a nice firm pair of breasts. They hold a largely unequaled power to lift the spirits and short-circuit the frontal lobe. It is quite a different matter, however, when the breasts are his own. In fact, they're more likely to produce the opposite effect. The thing about breasts is that our culture prefers to see them on women.
To be clear, g ynaecomastia (jin"-eh-ko-mas'-te-ah) is not your average case of flabby man-boobs, the last straw that gets you to finally sign up for membership at the gym. We're talking real C-cups (the kind of sweater satellites that more than a few people would die for). These chest orbs are caused by an imbalance between the body's testosterone and estrogen levels. Too much estrogen in your system will cause your body to feminize itself. And then slowly — so slowly that you won't even notice it — the breast tissue will begin to increase, until you catch creepy dudes in the street unbuttoning your button-down with their eyes.
PROGNOSIS
You're going to have breasts, which really isn't that bad in the whole scheme of things. However, if your gynaecomastia is itself a symptom of another disease, such as cirrhosis of the liver, progressive spinobulbar muscular atrophy, or testicular cancer, that's another matter entirely.
Gynaecomastia may occur with other forms of feminization, such as water retention, softening of muscle tissue, fatty deposits in the hips — and an inability to answer direct questions in a concise manner.
PREVENTION
Many things have been known to cause increased levels of estrogen, but it should be noted that the most interesting (and annoying) one is the use of marijuana. Yes, pot can cause breasts. So, you should maybe not smoke pot, or use less of it, or at the very least figure out a rationalization for why growing breasts isn't that bad after all. Other drugs thought to put you at risk for gynaecomastia include steroids, heroin, and antidepressants. Ask your girlfriend or wife to refrain from using vaginal creams that contain estrogen. If your gynaecomastia has been caused by drug use, simply refraining from using that drug may cause the disease to work itself out, and your firm, full breasts will begin to recede. If not, lifelong hormone treatments may be in your future. Or breast-reduction surgery should take care of the problem for good.
Many adolescent boys experience gynaecomastia to some degree during puberty. Usually not a gimongous rack, mind you, but noticeably perky protrusions of the T-shirt nonetheless. This is because God is always looking for new ways to torture adolescent kids. When they age out of puberty, God gets bored and moves on to a new crop of unfortunate children, and the breasts should go away on their own. (If adolescence comes and goes and the breasts are still there, see above.)
Of Note ...
The average breast-enlargement surgery can cost somewhere between $5,000 and $10,000. Gynaecomastia is free. So, before you take any steps to treat your gynaecomastia, just think of the money you're saving.
MANDIBULAR AMELOBLASTOMA (ALSO ADAMANTINOMA, ODONTOGENIC TUMOR)
In which tumors on your jaw cause your face to become deformed.
SYMPTOMS
* pain
* loose teeth
* misalignment of teeth
* labored breathing
* ulcers
* facial swelling
* facial growths
DIAGNOSIS
Mandibular ameloblastoma (man-dib'-u-lar ah'mel''-o-blas-to'-mah) isn't really that big of a deal. Not unless you're a person who's all hung up on the way your head is currently shaped. If you're so vain as to have a problem with giant bulbous growths disfiguring your jaw and pushing the teeth out of your mouth, then maybe mandibular ameloblastoma is kind of a big deal.
This disease occurs when tumors or cysts form on your jaw, growing at times to the size of a second head. The word mandibular refers specifically to the mandible, or lower jaw. This is where ameloblastomas most frequently occur, but they may also form around the upper jaw, sinuses, and eye sockets.
PROGNOSIS
Death is unlikely. But a lumpy, misshapen face is quite likely. It's a slow and persistent process, too, and most people don't realize they have the disease until it's too late.
Tumors and cysts grow in the tooth-bearing areas of the jaw. And then they keep growing. Teeth become loose and fall out. There is a visible swelling, and people say things like, "Hey, did you always have that rather large lump on the lower half of your face?" The result is large-scale jaw destruction and serious disfigurement.
PREVENTION
There is no real way to prevent mandibular ameloblastoma, because nobody really understands exactly why it occurs. It either happens to you, or it doesn't happen to you. Dental germs are probably at least partially responsible, so keeping good dental hygiene can't hurt.
TREATMENT
The easiest, safest way to treat mandibular ameloblastoma is to have your entire jaw removed from your skull. This may sound like a bad idea, but try to keep an open mind. What do you really need your jaw for, besides eating, talking, and looking like a person who did not have their jaw removed? And with modern facial-reconstruction techniques, you will be able to almost look like a person who did not have their jaw removed. Not quite, but almost.
The other option is to have the tumors scraped away from your jaw. The upside of this is that you get to keep your jaw. The downside is that if even the tiniest bit of tumor is left behind, it can grow back, and then you'll probably have to go through the above option anyway.
Chemotherapy and radiotherapy have mostly proven ineffective, though advances are being made.
Of Note ...
Although most mandibular ameloblastoma tumors are benign, some are not. If you happen to get a malignant tumor, it can very easily spread to the rest of your body. And then won't you wish you'd had your jaw removed when you had the chance?
OPSOCLONUS-MYOCLONUS SYNDROME (ALSO KINSBOURNE SYNDROME, DANCING EYES/DANCING FEET)
In which your body attacks its own brain.
SYMPTOMS
* facial tics
* trembling
* shivering
* quivering
* shaking
* shimmying
* loss of coordination
* loss of balance
* loss of vision
* drooling
* confusion rage
* difficulty standing
* difficulty sitting
* difficulty speaking
* difficulty eating
* insomnia
DIAGNOSIS
You would think that your body's autoimmune system would be able to tell the difference between a virus that's infecting your body and your own brain. You would think. But that's not always the case, as evidenced by opsoclonus-myoclonus syndrome(op''-so-klo'-nus mi-o-klo'-nus). In this situation, your immune system sends out what can only be assumed to be very stupid antibodies to attack and destroy the infectious virus, except that the antibodies get confused and panicky and mistake your brain cells — usually the ones in the cerebellum, brainstem, and limbic system — for the virus. So they start killing your brain cells. Just slaughtering them by the millions. It's a total massacre.
Meanwhile, the work that the innocent brain would have been doing isn't getting done; there's no one manning the control panel, so everything goes crazy. Your hand-eye coordination deteriorates. Your eyes dart nervously around inside their sockets. Your muscles twitch. Standing up becomes a nearly impossible task. You can't think straight. You can't sleep. It's a disaster.
PROGNOSIS
It's going to be difficult for you to move around or see straight or, generally speaking, just do things. There will be a lot of jerking and trembling. These problems will increase when you try to do things. They will also increase when you become frustrated or agitated.
The good news is that opsoclonus-myoclonus syndrome is very rarely fatal. However, the viruses that cause opsoclonus-myoclonus syndrome, well, uh ... sorry.
PREVENTION
A number of viruses, such as Epstein-Barr, coxsackie, and encephalitis (page 186), have been known to trigger opsoclonus-myoclonus syndrome. Try not to get any of them.
TREATMENT
Azathioprine, an immunosuppressive agent, may be sent into your body to act as a sort of negotiator, to try to come to a peace accord with your immune system's B cells so that they may slow down the production of anti-bodies. If a peace accord is not possible, you may need to undergo immunoadsorption, a medical procedure through which the antibodies are forcibly removed from your body.
Hopefully, you'll be able to calm things down inside there quickly, or the damage to your brain may be permanent.
Of Note ...
Opsoclonus-myoclonus syndrome can also be caused by certain tumors — not necessarily in your brain — which are genetically similar to brain cells. However, it is not yet understood how even incredibly stupid antibodies can confuse your brain, which almost always rests in the head, with a tumor as far away as your chest.
SCLERODERMA
In which your skin and organs slowly harden and you begin to resemble a human statue.
SYMPTOMS
* numbness, pain, or discoloration in the extremities
* aches in the joints or bones
* sores over joints
* puffy hands or feet
* hardening of the skin
* skin discoloration
* difficulty swallowing
* dry mucous membranes
* fatigue
* high blood
* pressure
* weight
* loss heartburn
DIAGNOSIS
You can buy the finest European moisturizers. Rub yourself with freshly picked aloe. You can take baths in extra-virgin olive oil and pack your face with mud from the Dead Sea. You can inject pure royal jelly from the hives of South African bees directly into your pores, and it won't do you a bit of good.
Scleroderma (skle''-ro-der'-mah) is a chronic autoimmune disease that causes hardening and tightening of the skin and its connective tissue. The very name of the disease is Greek for "hard skin." It results from your body's immune system producing an excess of collagen in your body's tissues. This has the effect of hardening your skin over the course of a few years so that it becomes like toughened leather stretched tightly across your bones. Your joints seize up and your muscles shrink, so that movement is extremely difficult and painful. Your hands and feet grow into gnarled claws. The skin around your mouth, nose, and eyes stiffens your features into a disfigured grimace. Your invitations to very fancy parties diminish to almost nil.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Quarto Publishing Group USA Inc..
Excerpted by permission of The Quarto Group.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
| Introduction | 6 | |
| Autoimmune | ||
| Acromegaly | 10 | |
| Cornu Cutaneum | 14 | |
| Gynaecomastia | 18 | |
| Mandibular Ameloblastoma | 22 | |
| Opsoclonus-Myoclonus Syndrome | 26 | |
| Scleroderma | 30 | |
| Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis | 34 | |
| Bacterial | ||
| Bacillary Angiomatosis | 40 | |
| Bejel | 44 | |
| Cancrum Oris | 48 | |
| Leprosy | 52 | |
| Mycobacteriosis | 56 | |
| Necrotizing Fasciitis | 60 | |
| The Plague | 64 | |
| Genetic & Neurological | ||
| Akinetic Mutism | 70 | |
| Alien Hand Syndrome | 74 | |
| Congenital Erythropoietic Porphyria | 78 | |
| Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva | 82 | |
| Progeria | 86 | |
| Rheumatic Chorea | 90 | |
| Trimethylaminuria | 94 | |
| Idiopathic | ||
| Burning Mouth Syndrome | 100 | |
| Cavernous Sinus Granulomatosis | 104 | |
| Cervical Dystonia | 108 | |
| Chronic Idiopathic Diarrhea | 112 | |
| Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome | 116 | |
| Eosinophilia-Myalgia Syndrome | 120 | |
| Parasitic | ||
| Ascariasis | 126 | |
| Candiru Infestation | 130 | |
| Cerebral Sparganosis | 134 | |
| Dracunculiasis | 138 | |
| Enterobiasis | 142 | |
| Lymphatic Filariasis | 146 | |
| Myiasis | 150 | |
| Norwegian Scabies | 154 | |
| Ocular Loiasis | 158 | |
| Toxic & Fungal | ||
| Amnesic Shellfish Poisoning | 164 | |
| Ergotoxicosis | 168 | |
| Hyponatremia | 172 | |
| Mucormycosis | 176 | |
| Viral & Prionic | ||
| Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease | 182 | |
| Encephalitis | 186 | |
| Fatal Familial Insomnia | 190 | |
| Furious Rabies | 194 | |
| Marburg Hemorrhagic Fever | 198 | |
| Acknowledgments | 202 | |
| Index of Symptoms | 203 |