Read an Excerpt
Chapter One
The Fundamentals
of Your Personality
MOTIVE: THE DRIVING CORE OF PERSONALITY
We know we have a conscience that talks to us about what is right and what is wrong. We also have a driving core motive that speaks to us often about being true to ourselves and playing to our strengths. Just as we ignore our conscience, we are often guilty of ignoring our core motive in life. Our driving core motive knows us and wants our lives to be successful, and ultimately we must choose to listen to or ignore who we are innately and what will make us most happy in life.
The following plea is written directly to you from your driving core motive, asking you to trust that it knows who you are inside. It knows what works for you and what messes you up. It can help you be far more successful because when you act congruently with your innate self, you will find that life makes more sense for you as well as those around you.
After witnessing for the past twenty years the astounding accuracy of your driving core motive, this may be the single most significant piece of self-awareness you will ever come to understand in your lifetime. I recommend paying attention to what it has to say.
I have always been with you. From your first heartbeat I was connected to you and we will remain inseparable until you die. Being your constant companion has its definite ups and downs. Sometimes I feel dismissed by you and wonder, "HOW CAN YOU SIMPLY IGNORE ME AND PRETEND I DON'T MATTER!" It is times like those that I want to make you WAKE UP! Wake up and see your true self!
It makes absolutely no sense that people resist seeing themselves for who they really are inside. Frankly, everyone's life would make so much more sense if they simply understood why they think and act as they do.
I am always watching you. I am so much a part of your internal fabric that you typically don't even recognize that I am with you. We move "hand in glove" because of our connection. When most people see your behavior, they don't know why you behave as you do. But I do! I know exactly why you think and feel like you do.
I know why President Bill Clinton couldn't keep his pants zipped while serving in the White House, tainting an otherwise inspired presidency. I also understand why his most cynical opponents find him charmingly irresistible in person.
I know why Oprah Winfrey runs a quality media empire but can't trust the intimacy of marriage. I understand how she can be compassionate and cruel in the same day.
I know why Brad Pitt abandoned his marriage to Jennifer Aniston for a relationship and children with Angelina Jolie. I also know how Angelina controls the momentum of their lives while he controls their emotional moods.
I know why Meryl Streep, considered by many to be the greatest actress of her day, chose family and a committed relationship as her primary focus in life. She never saw her career as separate from her life.
There is one of me for every person on the earth regardless of when or where they were born. Some people appreciate me far more than others. Some people actually remain trusting and connected throughout their entire lives while others discard me with disdain.
Your thoughts and actions make perfect sense to me -- except when you act differently from whom you really are! Sometimes you act like someone you think you should be. I have to admit, when you do that it drives me crazy. You can be so frustrating when you let others convince you that who you really are inside isn't enough -- isn't who you should be! Then you go off pretending to be someone whom others want you to be. I can't tell you how difficult it is to sit back and watch you sort out whether you should be true to your intrinsic self or pretend to be what others tell you to be.
It's times like these when I have to simply wait until you return to your true innate self and once again we find our natural compatibility. Then, and only then, can I sleep comfortably at night. When we are in sync I love life (as do you!) and feel completely validated. When you toss me aside and deny me access to you, I become restless and unnerved.
As your driving core motive, I am neither good nor bad -- I simply am! Some use me for positive while others use me for negative. The choice is completely theirs, not mine. Before there was race, religion, gender, birth order, or cultural biases, there was me! In the womb, you and I were close. It's a very personal story that we share -- one that I want you to know because the quality of our connection will make all the difference in the quality of your life.
You are going to discover that while you are unique, you share similar driving core motives with people of every faith, race, gender, and economic condition. An illegal immigrant, a terrorist, an Australian film sensation, and a U.S. president all share the same driving core motive. They may appear substantially different because of the many nuances that enhance and detract from our unique lives, but their core personalities remain the same. In other words, what drives their daily existence -- their needs and wants and personality motives, remains the same. What you could know about people from around the world would amaze you if you only understood the code.
I am at the very core of your personality, which is born in your soul. I am completely different from your personal history, which is reflected in your family upbringing, race, religious affiliations, birth order, and other cultural influences. A unique blending of both personality and personal history creates the distinct mixture that ultimately becomes you.
Before you had fingers and toes, we were best friends. Before your parents met you, I was part of your every thought and action. I often reflect back on our early days together and remember how easy it was and how well we got along. I would whisper in your ear and you would automatically agree. I gave you confidence to be you.
I am still your best friend and strongest ally, but sometimes you forget how well I know you. You can ignore me and then I become your worst nightmare. When you are true to me, your life makes sense. When you deny me, or resist my influence, you are miserable and so is everyone else around you.
I remain a mystery to most people. They don't understand our relationship. I am not merely a product of genetics (two Red parents do not a Red baby make!). I am not a reflection of your cultural ancestors (don't blame me for your hot Irish temper!). I am born in your soul and provide the primary driving motive for your entire life -- unique from the many other factors that influence how you think and behave. Every human being is born with a driving core motive that lies at the very center of their innate personality. Your driving core motive makes all the difference in how you look at life.
I will never lie to you. As you grow older, you may reject me or lie to yourself about who you really are, and then things can get pretty ugly between us. Remember, people lie loudest when they lie to themselves.
Sometimes, but not always, people wake up. They sort out what caused them to become incongruent with themselves and once again life makes sense and feels good. Sometimes, however, they prefer pleasing others or give in to their fears, living their lives out in lies and incongruence. Now, that is a tragedy. I hope you will want to know me. Learn about me. I will always tell you the truth about you. And once you know your true self, you carry a most powerful awareness of how to play to your strengths in life.
Remember, I will always be with you. You can always come to me when you want to live congruently with who you were born to be. Life will challenge you to lose sight of yourself. Look inward and you will see me. I remain one constant you can always trust -- your driving core motive. Use me as your North Star and everything else will line up legitimately to bring you meaning in your life.
Very best of living,
Your driving core motive
Remember when your driving core motive told you about the two defining factors that make up the unique you -- personality (which includes your driving core motive) and personal history? Sometimes personality and personal history work well together to enhance a person and other times they work against each other. Let me explain.
There has been an ongoing debate about whether it is nature (innate personality) or nurture (personal history) that most defines a person. Truth be told, both sides have valid arguments. Your driving core personality is with you in the womb, but once you're born, it quickly becomes enmeshed with personal history as parents impact your habits and lifestyle. Your personality becomes layered with your personal history, making you as unique as your fingerprint. Your personality defines your innate motive, needs, and wants, and inherent strengths and limitations. Your personal history strongly influences your perspective on life. I am a strong Yellow personality who innately loves to play. I was born to a strong Red mother who expected me to be productive in society. While my desire to play (innate personality) clashed with her desire for me to be productive (personal history), the combination offered me a unique way of negotiating my life that makes me different from any other Yellow on the planet.
One must not give either component too much leverage in dictating how he or she lives. For example, Yellows can't just say, "Of course I'm late and act irresponsible. I'm Yellow, you know!" Nor can one use genetic aspects of personal history to explain poor choices. "I have to drink and fight. I'm Irish!" Yeah, three generations ago their great-grandparents lived in Ireland, but they have never set foot in Ireland. Yet they claim being Irish gives them automatic license to drink and fight, as if it were passed down in their DNA.
THE ELEMENTS OF PERSONALITY
Every woman who has given birth to more than one child will tell you that each child comes with a unique personality. From the very beginning every child is born with a unique set of traits, meaning you became uniquely you in the womb.
Every child in the womb shows marked behavioral tendencies. One demands more room to move around, chews on the umbilical cord, and refuses to accept a variety of foods that Mom selects. Another settles in quietly, pleased that there is no bed to make or food to cook and thinks, "Hey, I'll take twelve months in here if it works for her!" Everyone knows that no two sets of fingerprints are the same. How could we possibly believe that human personalities are any less individual than fingerprints? However, just as fingers share similarities, so do personalities.
Some psychologists theorize that a child's personality is not completely formed until the age of five. Others go further, theorizing that personality is never complete but evolves through a lifelong journey of discovery and maturation. What they are talking about is not personality but personal history. Clearly we are impacted by our surroundings -- culture, gender, religion, birth order, intelligence, and countless factors that have an impact on who we are and how we think and behave. But they are not our core personality. That is what makes color-coding so powerful. Who you are in your core personality never changes. You can add to it or delete from it, but you cannot change its core essence. People often look for reasons to blame others for or justify their thoughts or behaviors. Peer pressure, inadequate parenting, and cultural biases are all common references for blame or justification for our inappropriate actions. However influential they might be in defining you, they are pieces of your personal history but not your core personality. All through your life you must reconcile your driving core personality with a myriad of other influences in your life. Sometimes nature and nurture work to enhance each other, while at other times they pull each other apart.
PERSONALITY DEFINED
Take the human face. There are only so many different elements that make up a face: eyes, ears, mouth, nose, etc. Yet no two people look exactly the same. So it goes with our personalities. Though there are only four driving core motives, no two personalities are exactly alike. Combine this with our personal histories and you can readily see how unique every human being is.
Your personality is anchored by your driving core motive. Your driving core motive calls the shots from your subconscious mind and causes you to think and act as you do. Your core motive is to your personality as breathing is to the human body. Without it, you die. That is why people with different personality colors are driven so uniquely different than their peers. In order to breathe, you must be true to your innate driving core motive. The challenges come when others don't value our driving core motive or we lose sight of how to effectively maintain our core motive when engaging others with a different set of motives, wants, or needs.
Whenever a person distances himself from his driving core motive, he loses himself in the process. Knowing yourself and understanding why you think and behave as you do is necessary in order to enjoy positive self-esteem. Knowing others and understanding why they think and behave as they do is the cornerstone of successful relationships.
Daniel Goleman suggested, in his groundbreaking work on emotional intelligence, that emotional intelligence (EQ) is far more critical than a person's IQ in creating a successful life. The foundation of EQ is self-awareness. You will never be fully aware until you understand your innate driving core motive, complete with personality strengths and limitations as well as needs and wants. Personality sits at the very core of who you are and lining up with yourself is imperative if you want to experience the congruent life.
PERSONALITY IS YOUR UNIQUE
INTERPRETATION OF LIFE
Your personality plays a vital role in what paths you choose to take in your life. It is equally important in describing how you will walk those paths, whether it is childhood, careers, friendships, parenting, and so on. For example, a Blue woman recently left a remarkable career in order to pursue her passion for art. A White business executive leads quite differently than a Red colleague. The whys and hows of life are best understood through the innate eyes of core personality.
Some people see life through rose-colored glasses, trusting and optimistic, while others see it through dark glasses, suspicious and pessimistic. We can't try on innate personalities the way we try on glasses. Personality is built in from birth.
Your personality determines whether you are easily depressed, casual, critical, careful, or carefree. It determines whether you are passive or assertive. Do you dash off at the last minute for an appointment, or always arrive with time to spare? Is your desk cluttered or meticulously clean? Do you seek deep, meaningful conversations, or would you rather risk your life on a wild mountain-climbing adventure? Are you most comfortable leading or following others? Your personality is more than just an "attitude." It is what causes your preferences, actions, and reactions in life.
PERSONALITY IS YOUR CODE OF BEHAVIOR
Personality is that core of thoughts and feelings inside you that tells you how to conduct yourself. It's a checklist of responses based on strongly held values and beliefs. It directs you to respond emotionally or rationally to every life experience. It even determines your knee-jerk reaction to others. Personality is an active process within each individual that dictates how he or she feels, thinks, and behaves. Pretty important stuff, eh? Critical color code truths:
You can never change your core color -- it is yours forever! You have innate strengths you must develop -- play to your strengths! You have innate limitations you must overcome -- other colors have the antidote you need to overcome them! No personality is better, more valuable, or more important than any other! Your driving core motive is like breathing -- you will die if it is not nurtured! Your personality watches and guards over you like a caring parent. Without clear-cut personality traits to guide us through life, we would become lost. Your personality is in constant fear that you will dismiss it, ignore it, or reject it. It protects itself and remains highly rigid and quite resistant to change. It does not venture out to experience or understand other types of personalities. While it is generally quite accepting of itself -- you -- it is much less flexible with or inviting to others.
Personality is like family. You will struggle with your personality at times in your life, but let an outsider do or say something unkind and watch out! We are very defensive of our personalities -- ourselves!
Personality points each of us in a particular direction and makes us feel uncomfortable when we deviate from it. The moment we stray from its prescribed plan, we feel disoriented. Even when we try to improve ourselves, we will feel a tug from our personality to resist the change.
Our personality explains us and gives us acceptance and direction in our daily lives. Each of us needs our own personal code of behavior but it makes change rather daunting. We must value our personalities for their many gifts in our lives -- clarity, focus, connection. However, we must exert control over our personality if we hope to become more than we were at birth. We must challenge our core personality limitations in order to live happier, healthier, and more charactered lives.
Copyright © 1987, 1998, 2007 by Taylor Hartman
