Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Lorraine Kelly: a philosophical disquisition on the nature of reality 4
Men's men of Brexit 5
Reviews for items on supermarket delivery sites: an important consideration 10
The production slate of Brian May and Roger Taylor, Film Producers 13
Ask Greta 15
Donald Trump: The Literature 16
The expanding Marvel Universe 26
How many fucking platforms am I supposed to have to pay for just to watch the fucking telly? 27
Nick Clegg, Head of Global Affairs for the Apocalypse, responds to criticisms of the Apocalypse 31
The craft beer revolution. Is it actually a revolution? Or more of a coup? 33
Robert De Niro/Harvey Keitel ads for Brits: an review 34
Coming soon: an film trailer 36
Brexit means Brexit? A Brexit glossary 39
Is it okay to fuck up the Earth as we can just go and live on Mars? 54
Who owns space? 54
The Independent Group/Tiggers/Change UK/whatever they're called this week, presuming they still exist: death throes of crap centrism? Surely? 57
The robot/AI takeover: has it already happened? 63
Let our actors give us their acting! 69
Scandinavia: what happened to you? 71
Is Kim Kardashian, attorney at law, simply ahead of the game once again? 72
Is meat wrong? 75
Are fish taking the piss? 79
A backward, bigoted, anti-democratic religion of hatred and violence? 81
'Imagine a world where you can only … oh …': Things you can't put in a fictional dystopia because they've already happened 83
So I've been thinking about puddles and sticks: a nature odyssey 87
The accursed name of Philip Green 88
Who will save us? The runners and riders for leader of a national government 92
Easy Peelers: what are they? Seriously: what are they and where have they come from? 97
The ultimate oppressed identity: the straight white male? 99
Pitch meeting for the proposed film Tony Blair: A Life 100
Preparing for the jobs of the future: a guide 109
Narcissism: a short history 112
The Southampton Kes or The Ballad of Chris Packham's Gate: an poem 115
On top of the pavement, les hi-vis 119
Tulips: the symbol that keeps on giving 122
Lionel Messi, aka The Goat: greatest footballer of all time? 124
'Just get on with it!' Other great uses for a great slogan 128
What can we do with a problem like Elon? 128
Maritime museums: woke 135
Are the animals coming for us? 138
Worst-ever EU diktats 142
BP: fucking up both the polar bears and the arts? 144
Stuff Amazon have listened in to from people's Echos 148
Are politicians the new rock stars? 151
Are rock stars the new politicians? 155
Lifestyle concepts of the world that will help you live a better life 161
Fifties nuns: woke? 164
Are you the populist leader channelling the will of the people that we so clearly need? Take this test to find out 167
We'll miss you, Great White Men 176
The Tory Party Guide to Ireland 178
Not the face tattoo! 181
How to make it as an influencer: a handy cut-out-and-keep guide (don't actually cut it out, though) 183
The weaponised rebirth of Russian ultra-nationalism: good or bad? Discuss 186
Are you a toddler? 190
What historical era does the current era most resemble? 193
New football stadiums: shit 203
Old football stadiums: shit 207
Mini-Trumps: Assemble 208
A Future Lexicon: as in, a lexicon of the Future not a lexicon only for reading later on for some reason 212
Are there just too many anniversaries these days? 230
Quantitative Easing: still a mystery 233
Is Jamie Oliver now more metaphor than man? 234
British DNA: best DNA in the world? 238
You Are Stronger Than Clickbait 241
Acknowledgements 245
