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THE SHY SINGLE
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
--Anais Nin
{ONE}
WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER MY SHYNESS?
CAROLINE, AN ATTRACTIVE, THIRTY-EIGHT-YEAR-OLD insurance executive, runs a business meeting with ease. She gives speeches to rooms full of scrutinizing strangers. She survives in a tough New York City job, after growing up in an Ohio farming community. But in social, meet-people situations, Caroline becomes dumbstruck with self-consciousness and negative thinking. She can't marshal the courage to meet someone--not online, not in a bar, not at work, not at an intimate dinner party. "I often think: 'Did I wear the right thing? I wish I could think of something compelling to say. Everyone here is more together than I am,'" she reported. Sadly, because Caroline typically measured what few words she could muster while hiding behind somber attire, she appeared aloof and uninteresting. In truth, when it came to dating she was simply shy, and shyness prevented her from getting what she wanted to complete her life: an honest and fulfilling relationship.
If this scenario sounds even remotely familiar, perhaps you can take comfort in these words: You are not alone. Shyness is common. According to the Shyness Institute, a nonprofit organization in Palo Alto, California, dedicated to adult shyness research, nearly 50 percent of the U.S. population--that's more than 140 million people--label themselves as chronically shy, to the degree that it presents a problem in some aspect of their lives. Extrapolate that to the worldwide population and you can imagine how many other Shys there are keeping you company.
Shyness tends to be selective. Like Caroline, there are probably a lot of things you can do in which your shyness isn't an issue--from charming a roomful of prospects into buying whatever you're selling to giving a party for friends whom you know well. But when you're on a date or milling about a dinner party of strangers, wham! Shyness can hit you like a blast of cold air. When you least expect it--when you should be having a good time-- you're struck with a paralyzing fear that freezes your self-confidence.
IS SHYNESS HOLDING YOU BACK?
In my experience as a New York City psychologist, dating is the common denominator that triggers shyness among single men and women of all ages. In their quest to find someone with whom to share their lives, many of my clients tell me they're often plagued with such intense feelings of fear, rejection, and unworthiness that they grasp at any excuse to stay home. "But after a while, 'I'm under the weather' or 'I'm tired from a long week at work' doesn't cut it anymore," said Robert, a thirty-two-year-old chemist. "Your friends give up on you, and you realize that you're only hurting yourself by not forcing yourself to go out." But even if you do go out, you can find yourself haunted by feelings of numbing self- consciousness throughout the experience. Start a conversation or catch someone's eye? If only.
Pioneering shyness researchers such as Philip Zimbardo, Ph.D., at the Shyness Institute, and Bernardo J. Carducci, Ph.D., director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast, find that shy people report they don't take advantage of social situations. They date infrequently, are less expressive verbally and nonverbally, and show less interest in others than do their nonshy counterparts. Indeed, although you can convince yourself otherwise (there is a lovely defense mechanism called denial), shyness can keep you from attending parties, participating in online and other dating services, and agreeing to go on the occasional set- up (blind date). It can limit your access to friends and potential life partners. Even if you do manage to go out, "it can end up feeling like a torturous waste of time," according to Caroline.
But here's the good news: So-called shrinking violets--or rather, people for whom dating-related shyness is an unmanaged obstacle--can wrestle their shyness to the ground and thrive. The information in this book can help you summon the courage you need to put yourself out there and meet that potentially special someone.
A Noticeable Trend
I know it's possible because the overwhelming majority of my clients are now success stories. In 1980, I founded the New York Institute for Psychological Change and established a program that offers treatments for a full spectrum of life problems. About a decade ago, I began to notice that client after client reported feeling socially incompetent, invisible to others, and fearful--especially on dates and in social situations. "I often feel like what I'm saying is wrong," said Jason, a twenty-something industrial engineer. Others frequently echoed this sentiment and further revealed that they micromanaged their own conversations when they were out socially, secretly labeling their input as unacceptable during the course of what should have been an enjoyable experience. Upon closer examination, as we dissected the dates and parties they attended, we found nothing askance had actually happened. I sensed that their feelings were part of an underlying concern.
Was it possible that these clients could be shy? Indeed. I began to realize that the word "shy" was frequently coming up either in their language or my thoughts--strikingly so. I then began to review articles in psychological journals, explore current research, consult with other colleagues regarding what exactly constitutes "shyness," and conduct time-limited shyness "workshops." Because of these workshops and psychotherapy groups, which are attended by hundreds of shy singles each year, I've gained an enlightened understanding of the ways in which singles experience this personality trait and render it manageable. The plight of the shy single has become my passion, especially today. With our futures so uncertain, the desire to connect with others in meaningful ways has become a collective priority. Singles who previously felt they had more time now feel a desire to get on with the show they call their lives.
It's Tough Out There
Despite the vast quantity of people who report feeling shy, there's little comfort in numbers because the dating climate has never been more intense, and it's everyone for himself (or herself). Popular television programs such as Sex and the City, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette (and other "reality"-based shows like them) encourage singles of all ages to assume a take-charge approach toward dating. Indeed, singles feel pressured to take charge. And Internet, e-mail, cell phones, and phenomena like ten-minute serial dating--are changing the conditions of the culture in which we live: depersonalizing it, accelerating it, and intensifying its complexity.
In this frenzied climate, patience is scarce for those who, like the shy, need time to warm up. There is a cultural tendency to quickly write off people without strong personalities--the proverbial squeaky wheels who get the grease. And, in the rush to be productive and not waste time, there are fewer opportunities than ever before to connect with one another. People commute wearing headphones while working on their laptops. They go from their apartments to the subway to the office, maintaining relationships with only a small circle of friends, colleagues, and family. Working longer hours, we have less time and energy to attend social functions. All told, there are few chances to get out there if you're single, and if you're shy, even fewer chances to hone your social skills, observe the interactions of others, and improve your social behavior (yes, you do get better with practice). "It's a jungle out there," said Megan, a twenty-seven-year-old interior designer, who was contemplating relocating to her former college town in Indiana. She suspected that meeting men would probably be easier there than in the urban jungle of New York City. "I'm not sure I have what it takes to survive here," she said. But moving was a gamble.
No matter where you go, your dating-related shyness is apt to follow. The solution is to strive to understand your shyness and focus on exactly how it impacts your life. Only then can you improve your dating skills and learn to manage your shyness so that it's not an impediment. You can even come to appreciate your shyness as you would any other of your unique characteristics, such as the color of your eyes, the wave of your hair, or the shape of your nose. In fact, I would argue that . . .
Being Shy Can Be a Good Thing
Although it can seem like shyness is holding you back socially, it's not a complete minus. Granted, there are times--such as at parties, where witty repartee and boisterous conversation are considered festive and desirable-- when Shys blend into the woodwork. Maybe someone notices them, maybe not. But no one truly enjoys "party talk" all the time, because it's more of a performance than a representation of our true selves. We all want to feel close to others in meaningful and substantive ways. Achieving intimate contact with backslapping, fun-loving, laugh-a-minute acquaintances can be difficult for anyone.
Enter the person others count on for thoughtful, serious, or quietly humorous conversation, who naturally helps others feel their opinions count (that would be you). In general, the shy are good listeners. They tend to be naturally empathetic; they often remember details and ask thoughtful questions, and they usually are patient with the imperfections of others, since they consider themselves to be far from perfect. They're also not confrontational, generally giving people room to speak their minds without interrupting and inserting their own feelings into the picture or explaining why another person may be wrong. Shys spare people's feelings and refrain from declaring that someone's opinion is incorrect simply because they see things differently. Others are grateful to have Shys as sounding boards. These valuable traits leave others feeling acknowledged and respected. Sounds refreshing, doesn't it?
The shy also tend to convey an aura of mystery, strength, and intelligence. In this in-your-face world, there you are, in your quiet sort of way, leaving much to others' imaginations, keeping them guessing what's going on in your mind. When Shys, who tend not to seek center stage, do speak, people are often eager to listen and trust their opinions. Like beautifully presented haute cuisine at an expensive restaurant, the psychology of minimalism applies. Less can be much more.
If you're shy, there's another bonus: You probably notice many things because the shy tend to be observers. In your mezzanine seat in life, you're able to sit back and see the bigger picture. You take in details others often miss. For some, like Sam, a single man who writes for a newspaper, shyness is an occupational asset. "If I weren't shy," Sam said one day, "I wouldn't be so sensitive or observant, which are two qualities I need in my writing."
Moreover, others naturally trust you. Your quietness leads people to believe their secrets are safe with you. While this doesn't necessarily follow--the shy can be as tempted as anyone else to reveal a juicy story-- you can enjoy the sense that others regard you as someone who keeps their own counsel.
You probably also think things through. Many assertive personalities act first and reflect later. They're not afraid to react, and so they do. Maybe you know someone who is aggressive, wonderfully funny and clever, but who simply has no idea when she's hurting other people's feelings or exhausting them with self-centeredness. The shy, on the other hand, tend to plan first and act later. Forethought can help you weigh your options and move forward, prepared for various outcomes. It also spares those around you from being hurt by your impulsive remarks or ill-advised behaviors. Most important, your attention to matters before they happen leaves you well prepared. If you're blessed with heightened sensitivity, like many shy people are, you're rarely caught off guard.
THE SCIENCE OF SHYNESS
Despite myriad assets, shyness conjures up a number of images to which many adults would rather not lay claim: toddlers hiding behind their mothers' skirts, children standing alone on the playground, teens unable to speak at the prom, and even trembling kittens. Few people think of a highly successful scientist, a Park Avenue socialite fund-raiser, a well- established therapist, or a powerful businessman as shy. But they can be. Shyness knows no boundaries. It can affect people of all social strata. Education, economics, success, and age don't faze it because shyness is, at least in part, genetic, like eye color or height.
More specifically, shyness is an inborn trait, a physical dimension of your personality called temperament. Shyness can more fully express its biological mandate if it's also triggered by life factors, such as your infant environment, your childhood experiences, or your relationship with your parents. Since shyness is partially governed by genes, it is only beginning to be understood by scientists. One study conducted by Daniel R. Weinberger, M.D., at the National Institute of Mental Health in Washington, D.C., suggests that inheriting a shorter version of a single gene--the human serotonin transporter gene, SLC6A4--appears to predispose people to fearfulness, which is the basis of shyness. The study, which involved functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging scans of the brain, looked at how people with different variations of this gene responded to pictures of individuals who appeared frightened. According to the researchers, humans sense danger by taking cues from others, which is why merely looking at pictures of people who look fearful can cause fear.
In Weinberger's study, when subjects were shown photos of scared faces, those who inherited one or two variants of a shorter SLC6A4 gene displayed more activity in the amygdala, the "hub of fear" structure in the brain. The study suggests that those with a shorter SLC6A4 gene might experience slightly higher levels of anxiety as a response to fear or perhaps be inherently more vigilant.
Compared to adults, shy children have received much more attention from the scientific community. For several decades, Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., author of Galen's Prophecy: Temperament in Human Nature, and his colleagues at Harvard University have been studying the concept of inborn shyness. Kagan's work reveals that children differ in their initial tendencies to approach unfamiliar people, objects, and circumstances. His work also demonstrates that physiological differences--such as faster heart rates and jerky movements of the arms and legs in response to stimuli, like mobiles in motion and tape recordings of human voices--appear in shy babies as young as two months of age. Children born with a tendency toward shyness (from 15 to 20 percent of all newborns) belong to the temperamental category called "inhibited." On the other hand, "uninhibited" children (also 15 to 20 percent of newborns) demonstrate curiosity and sociability towards the unfamiliar. (The rest fall somewhere in between the two extremes of timidity and boldness.)
Kagan's research also indicates that environment plays a role in determining whether inborn traits of inhibition will remain dominant as children mature. Uninhibited kids with overprotective parents, for example, can become more fearful if they're constantly being told to "watch out." Likewise, an environment that supports and gently encourages the needs of inhibited children may result in them moving through life manifesting quiet, sensitive, or more thoughtful behaviors in most situations, rather than overt fear.
