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Prologue
LOCATION: The Dog House, headquarters of the Pack of the United Planets Peacekeeping Service (PUPPS)
SITUATION: An emergency meeting of the Security Pack
The Leader of the Pack, Comrade Muffee, called the emergency meeting to order with a howl. When the last echoes faded from the chamber, she turned to the space ranger standing before her.
“Greetings, Comrade Barx,” Muffee said. “My fellow Alpha Dogs and I have summoned you here for a matter of the utmost importance. It concerns recently intercepted communications from the planet Earth.”
“Earth!” Barx exclaimed. “Do you mean the wonderful planet that is home to the gentle and generous beings known as Humans?”
“The very one,” Muffee said. “As you know, thousands of years ago, this distant paradise was spoiled when our mortal enemies—cats—began using Earth as a maximum security prison.”
Her ears instinctively went back, as did those of the assembled.
“As you also know, we sent our finest peacekeeping officers to protect the Humans from the feline menace. But when cats stopped exiling their criminals to Earth, our contact with the planet ceased,” Muffee said. “What you don’t know is that our enemies have resumed this despicable practice.”
Barx began to growl, but Muffee held up a paw.
“It is even worse than you think. The cat they have sent to Earth is the greatest criminal in the known universe: Wyss-Kuzz the Wicked! Or, as he has become known in his exile, KLAWDE.”
Comrade Fydo bared her yellow teeth. “No dog will ever forget what he did to us! He must be punished!”
“Now that he is outside the Neutral Zone, we can capture him,” shouted Comrade Muzzil. “And make him pay for his crime!”
“Indeed we shall,” Muffee said. “Space Ranger Barx, as the bravest and most loyal officer of the entire PUPPS force, I nominate you to bring this evildoer to justice.” She turned to the assembled Alpha Dogs. “Do I have the unanimous consent of the Pack?”
“WOOWOOWOOWOOWOO!”
“And do you, Barx, agree to accept this dangerous mission?”
“Yes, Muffee! I do!”
All tails began to wag.
“In that case, comrade, your ship awaits,” Muffee said. “There’s just one thing you have to do before you go.” She coughed awkwardly. “You know.”
“Uh, I know . . . what?” Barx asked.
The sound of uneasy whimpering echoed throughout the chamber.
“You must . . . ahem . . . take off your uniform,” she said. “The dogs of Earth live the way the great Doggie Creator in the sky made us. Naked.”
Barx gasped. “Even my collar?”
“Goodness, no!” Muffee said. “Earth dogs are still canines, not mindless beasts!”
“You needn’t be ashamed, good comrade!” Fydo said as Barx removed his vest. “It’s all a part of the Earth experience. It will help you get in touch with your primal self.”
“You may even enjoy such primitive freedoms,” Muffee said. “But no matter how sorely you are tempted, do not become bonded to any of the Humans,” she warned. “Otherwise, you will be subject to the Master Clause! And if that happens, comrade, your mission may fail.”
Barx was down to his collar and license, but still he stood proud. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I will find this Wyss-Kuzz, and I will make him repay his debt to dogkind!”
The entire Security Pack howled their approval.
Chapter 1
“Raj, I need your help!” My dad poked his head into my room, wearing his plaque is wack T-shirt. “Do you think I should sign up for the King of Crowns lecture, or the Pearly Gates: Adventures in Tooth Whitening demonstration?” he asked.
It was a Sunday afternoon, and he and Mom were about to leave for a dental conference—in Hawaii. Dad called it “work,” but it sounded a lot like vacation to me.
“Wow,” I said, yawning. “They both seem really interesting.”
“Krish, you need to finish packing,” Mom called to Dad. “We can’t miss our plane!”
I followed him back to their room. “I can’t believe you guys are going to Hawaii without me. And that you’re going to miss my birthday!”
“But you have school,” Mom said.
Like I’d forgotten! I wanted to miss school.
“Besides,” Mom went on, “your ajji is very much looking forward to spending this time with you.”
Ajji—my grandma. Not my dad’s mom, who was funny and bought me all the comics I wanted. But my mom’s mom, who could be a little intense. I loved her, but spending two whole weeks with her and my grandpa was going to be exhausting.
“But what about your job?” I asked Mom. “Are you really just going to sit around on a beach instead of doing . . . whatever it is you do?”
“Me, sit?” Mom laughed. “I have a weeklong surfing intensive, followed by a week of deep-sea-diver training. Plus I have morning Pilates classes and Japanese lessons at night.”
“And I’m going to take Tooth Pics: Advances in Oral Photography with the coolest dentists in the world!” my dad said. “Then I’m going to do some serious poolside relaxing.”
He’d tossed a bunch of clothes into his suitcase, which he was now trying to push shut. Suddenly he yelped and snatched his arm away.
Klawde’s paw was poking out from underneath a pair of shorts.
“Awww, look at the little stowaway!” Dad said, rubbing his scratched hand. “You want to come to Hawaii, buddy?”
Klawde hissed.
I heard a car pull up, and then the doorbell rang.
“That must be your ajji,” Mom said to me. “Go let her in!”
I ran downstairs and opened the door to find my grandma standing on the porch. In one hand, she was holding the handle of the world’s biggest rolling suitcase. In the other, she was holding a leash.
Which was attached to a dog.
Chapter 2
It was a gloriously sunny afternoon, and I was at nap. My sleep was not the death-like slumber of the Humans, but the hyper-aware trance in which all felines plot their schemes. And, oh, what schemes I had! A trio of brilliant inventions, each designed to help me reconquer my home planet.
The only question was which device to launch first. The Zom-Beam, a laser that would turn Humans into my brainwashed soldiers? The Starsucker, a giant battery that harnessed the destructive power of supernovas? Or the Squirr-a-pult, which I think explains itself? All three were under development by my minion, Flooffee-Fyr, in a secret lab far beneath the surface of Lyttyrboks.
In addition to his engineering work, Flooffee kept me informed about the political situation back home. Happily, my nemesis, General Ffangg, was in prison. But the traitorous calico—the Earth kitten I myself had rescued from a life of stupidity and sloth—now reigned with exceptional cruelty from the Most High Throne, and all cats despised her.
Of course I was proud of my protégé. But more importantly, her low popularity gave me the opportunity to overthrow her oppressive regime. And replace it with one of my own!
I rolled over inside my scheming chamber—a device the ogres called a “suitcase.” Suddenly, the bald ogre began tossing his garish bodily coverings upon me. The gall!
After slashing him with my claws, I was settling back to nap when the intruder alert rang.
The boy-Human hurried to open the front portal, and that was when I heard the barbaric sound that disturbs the feline soul like no other.
Could it be?
Creeping downstairs, I saw to my horror an ancient, unfamiliar ogre holding the shackles of one of them.
The mortal enemy of all felines.
A DOG.
My whiskers twitched in revulsion. I had never in my life been this close to a canine, Lyttyrboks being separated from the dog planets by a billion-mile-wide neutral zone. (Which I had once—gloriously!—trespassed. But that is another tale.)
Here on Earth, I had only seen dogs from a distance, as Humans maintained tight control over them. Canines were kept imprisoned inside fortresses or in yards protected by high barricades known as fences. Sometimes they were even contained by force fields connected to shock collars—a most excellent solution!
Because canine discipline seemed to be the one area in which ogres behaved responsibly, I was stunned to witness what the ancient one did next.
She leaned down and unclipped the rope from the canine’s collar. The murderous beast was now free!
