The Way I Am Now

by Amber Smith Narrated by Jordan Fisher, Rebekkah Ross

Overview

Eden and Josh decide to give their relationship another chance in this much anticipated sequel to the New York Times bestseller The Way I Used to Be that “highlights with painful honesty the process of moving forward following trauma” (Kirkus Reviews).

Eden and Josh never had a fair shot at a healthy relationship. When they dated in high school, they each had their own problems getting in the way of the deep connection they felt toward one another. Unbeknownst to Josh, Eden was carrying the burden of a devastating sexual assault, while Josh was dealing with his own private struggle of having an alcoholic father.

Months after Eden and two other girls publicly accuse their rapist, Eden is starting college while her case goes to trial. Now when she and Josh reconnect, it seems like it might finally be in the right place at the right time for them to make it work. But is their love strong enough to withstand the challenges and chaos of college and the crushing realities of a trial that will determine whether Eden gets the justice she deserves?

Editorial Reviews

Culturess

"The Way I Am Now is powerful read from Amber Smith."

Alyssa Sheinmel

I could not put it down—a moving and powerful portrayal of trauma, love, and hope.

Kathleen Glasgow

A magnificent and tenderly crafted novel that brings Eden's journey to a fitting and honest close. Smith's sequel is an empathetic and unflinching look at the journey through trauma to a place of healing and hope.

Laurie Elizabeth Flynn

"Readers who were captivated by Amber Smith's heartbreaking debut, The Way I Used To Be, will no doubt remember Eden and Josh, whose love story never had a real chance to take shape. The Way I Am Now is an absolute stunner of a sequel: a brave, complex journey of healing, relationships, and life after trauma. Amber Smith writes with unparalleled emotional nuance, and in her very capable hands, Eden and Josh are able to navigate new terrain both together and as individuals. A tender, vulnerable, and hopeful book that probes the intricate depths of human emotion."

Amy Reed

"Amber Smith has a way of holding our hearts so even the hardest things seem possible. With The Way I Am Now, she shows us that the potential of love and healing, no matter how messy, are already, and always, inside us."

DECEMBER 2023 - AudioFile

Jordan Fisher and Rebekkah Ross deliver the alternating points of view of this novel. Ross's initial edginess captures Eden's frayed nerves as she continues to recover from having been raped three years earlier. Still, right from the beginning, Ross also expresses Eden's inner strength and determination to heal. When she enters college and begins a nurturing relationship with Josh, her voice grows stronger, even as she faces her rapist's hearing. Fisher's portrayal of Josh reveals his own sensitive points, but his steady voice mirrors Josh's levelheadedness and unrelenting caring for Eden. S.W. © AudioFile 2023, Portland, Maine

Kirkus Reviews

2023-09-09
In this follow-up to 2016’s The Way I Used To Be, a high school senior comes to understand that surviving rape is only the first part; what comes next is hard, too.

Eden is learning how to live after coming forward and publicly naming her rapist following three years of self-loathing and destructive behavior. In counseling, she’s working to understand who she is now, while also maintaining relationships with friends who don’t know what happened and family members who are dealing with guilt and anger in their own ways. Others’ reactions often leave Eden feeling like her honesty was more burdensome than helpful. She awaits the trial and reconnects with Josh, the boy she loved even when she couldn’t love herself and the only person outside her family who knew the truth. While Eden and Josh want love to be enough, both come with emotional baggage that must be dealt with before they can truly give themselves to each other. This emotional story about learning to take back control explores the fraught journey back to self for survivors and those who love them most. It is well paced and well executed and effectively shows how the legal system can make victims feel pressured and lonely. Readers need to be familiar with the first volume to fully understand this one. Main characters are cued white.

Highlights with painful honesty the process of moving forward following trauma. (author’s note) (Fiction. 14-18)

Product Details

BN ID:	2940178047095
Publisher:	Simon & Schuster
Publication date:	11/07/2023
Series:	The Way I Used to Be
Edition description:	Unabridged
Sales rank:	373,757

Read an Excerpt

1. Eden I’m disappearing again. It starts at the edges, my extremities blurring. Fingers and toes go staticky and numb with no warning at all. I grip the edge of the bathroom sink and try to hold myself up, but my hands won’t work. My arms are weak. And now my knees want to buckle too.

Next, it’s my heart, pumping fast and jagged.

I try to take a breath.

Lungs are cement, heavy and stiff.

I never should have agreed to this. Not yet. Too soon.

I swipe my hand across the steamy mirror, and my reflection fogs over too quickly. I choke on a laugh or a sob, I can’t tell which, because I really am disappearing. Literally, figuratively, and every way in between. I’m almost gone. Closing my eyes tightly, I try to locate one thought—just one—the thing she said to do when this happens.

Count five things you can see. I open my eyes. Toothbrushes in the ceramic holder. One. Okay, it’s okay. Two: my phone, there on the counter, lighting up with a series of texts. Three: a glass of water, blistered with condensation. Four: the amber prescription bottle full of pills I’m trying so hard not to need. I look down at my hands, still not right. That’s five.

Four things you can feel. Water dripping off my hair and down my back, over my shoulders. Smooth tiles slippery under my feet. Starchy towel wrapped around my damp body. The porcelain sink, cool and hard against the palms of my tingling hands.

Three sounds. The exhaust fan whirring, the shallow huff and gasp of my breathing getting faster, and a knock on the bathroom door.

Two smells. Peaches and cream shampoo. Eucalyptus body wash.

One taste. Stinging mint mouthwash with notes of lingering vomit underneath, making me gag all over again. I swallow hard.

“Fuck’s sake,” I hiss, swiping the mirror again. This time with both hands, one over the other, scrubbing at the glass. I refuse to give in to this. Not tonight. I clench my fingers into fists until I can feel my knuckles crack. I inhale, too sharply, and finally manage to get some air into my body. “You’re okay,” I exhale. “I’m okay,” I lie.

I’m staring down into the black circle of the drain as my eyes drift back over to the bottle. Fine. I twist the cap in my useless hands and let one chalky tablet tumble into my palm. I swallow it, I swallow it good. And then I down the entire glass of water in one gulp, letting tiny rivulets stream out of the corners of my mouth, down my neck, not even bothering to wipe them away.

“Edy?” It’s my mom, knocking on the door again. “Everything all right? Mara’s here to pick you up.”

“Yeah, I—” My breath catches on the word. “I’m almost ready.”

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