Table of Contents
Introduction: How to Be Filled with Dread xi
How to Not Be a Psychopath 1
How to Be Cult Susceptible 6
How to Secure a Miracle Tooth 11
How to Email God 16
How to Become Obsessed with Food 21
How to Start Panicking about Your Face 27
How to Focus on the Wrong Cure 31
How to Let Everyone Know You Suck 42
How to Try Every Diet 48
How to Be Extremely Dramatic 56
How to Pray for a New Face 61
How to Be Obsessed with Beauty 66
How to Have a Horrible Time in France 75
How to Lose Feeling in Half of Your Face 79
How to Be an Actual Cheese Grater in a Musical 85
How to Not Know You Have an Eating Disorder 90
How to Have No Blood 98
How to Cope When Your Parent Has Cancer 102
How to Join the Cult of Raw Veganism 108
How to Make a Vision Tin 117
How to Think Positive Thoughts, or Else 125
How to Lose Your Ego for a Month 133
How to Lose Your Voice 140
How to Have a Nervous Breakdown 146
How to Get Another New Face 156
How to Become a French Woman 164
How to Become Rich on the Internet 170
How to Eat Like a Cavewoman 176
How to Stop Dieting 181
How to Rule Out Every Miracle Cure 185
How to Heal Your Creative Soul 188
How to Be a Receptionist Who's Afraid of the Phone 198
How to Feel 206
How to Be Extreme about Everything 212
How to Figure Out What's Depleting You 216
How to Figure Out if You're ALLOWED to Be Tired 222
How to Reconcile the Privilege of Rest 233
How to Claim Rest 238
How to Be OK Dying Alone 245
How to Be Addicted to Busyness 252
How to Sort of Do a Bad Job at Resting 257
How to Take Things Off Your (Figurative) Plate 263
How to Have Boundaries 268
How to Heal Chronic Exhaustion 275
How to Live 282
Acknowledgments 285
Notes 287