To Raise a Boy: Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden Struggles of American Boyhood

by Emma Brown

Overview

“To Raise a Boy is a clear-eyed and sometimes shocking view of the world that we have created for boys, and a call for change.” —Peg Tyre, author of the New York Times bestseller The Trouble with Boys

“A stunning work of investigative journalism that looks at the systems and structures that have failed our boys.” —Soraya Chemaly, author of Rage Becomes Her

A journalist’s searing investigation into how we teach boys to be men—and how we can do better.

How will I raise my son to be different? This question gripped Washington Post investigative reporter Emma Brown, who was at home nursing her six-week-old son when the #MeToo movement erupted. In search of an answer, Brown traveled around the country, through towns urban and rural, affluent and distressed. In the course of her reporting, she interviewed hundreds of people—educators, parents, coaches, researchers, men, and boys—to understand the challenges boys face and how to address them.

What Brown uncovered was shocking: 23 percent of boys believe men should use violence to get respect; 22 percent of an incoming college freshman class said they had already committed sexual violence; 58 percent of young adults said they’ve never had a conversation with their parents about respect and care in sexual relationships. Men are four times more likely than women to die by suicide. Nearly 4 million men experience sexual violence each year.

From the reporter who brought Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s story to light, To Raise a Boy combines assiduous reporting, cutting-edge scientific research, and boys’ powerful testimonials to expose the crisis in young men’s emotional and physical health. Emma Brown connects the dots between educators, researchers, policy makers, and mental health professionals in this tour de force that upends everything we thought we knew about boys.

Johns Hopkins chair of the Department of Population, Family, and Reproductive Health Robert Blum says, “The story of boys has yet to be told, and I think it’s a really important story.” Urgent and revelatory, To Raise a Boy begins to tell that story.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781982128098
Publisher:	Atria/One Signal Publishers
Publication date:	01/11/2022
Pages:	320
Sales rank:	490,785
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.38(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Emma Brown is an investigative reporter at The Washington Post. In her life before journalism, she worked as a wilderness ranger in Wyoming and a middle school math teacher in Alaska. She lives with her husband and two children in Washington, DC.

Table of Contents

Prologue 1

Chapter 1 What We Don't See: The Invisible Epidemic of Sexual Assault Against Boys 17

Why Boys Don't Ask for Help (or, "Don't Be a Pussy!") 21

The Culture of Sport 24

Sexual Assault Is Not "Horseplay" 27

The Myths About Boys We Still Believe 31

Why Men's Stories Matter 35

A Town Hurts 40

Chapter 2 Boys will be Men: Nature, Nurture, and Rethinking Boyhood 47

Hormones, Brains, and How Parents Treat

Boys Differently-Without Even Realizing It 50

How to Help Boys Succeed 56

The Man Box and Men's Health 61

Fostering Boys' Emotional Literacy 66

How Fathers Build the Man Box-or Tear It Down 69

Why Your Own Relationship Matters 73

Signs of Change 75

Chapter 3 The Sex Ed Crisis: Why Silence about Sex is Dangerous for Kids 81

How to Start the Conversation 87

Sexting: Translating Offline Etiquette to Online Life 93

Why Boys Should Practice Masturbating Without Porn 95

Teaching Sexual Citizenship in Schools 97

The Problem with Abstinence-Only Education 101

The New Sex Ed: Porn Literacy 103

Chapter 4 Shaping Young Minds: How Schools are Failing Young Children 111

The Problem with Ignoring Sexual Violence in School 117

The Problem with Punishment 121

The Case of John Doe 2 123

The Potential for Another Way: Restorative Justice 128

Chapter 5 The Problem with "Consent": Lessons from Grace, Aziz Ansari's Accuser 135

"No" Is Not Always Spelled "N-O" 139

A Blow Job Is Not Consent 144

Learning to Handle Rejection 147

What We Can (and Cant) Blame on Alcohol 150

Signs of Change 153

Chapter 6 Racism, Violence, Trauma: How Close Relationships can Help Boys Cope 157

Race, Racism, and Black Boys in America 159

How Trauma Is Linked to Violence 162

"We Can't Police Our Way Out of This" 166

"I Still Deal with the Pain Every Day" 170

How Gun Violence and Domestic Violence Are Intertwined 174

"It Makes You Feel Like You Have Someone" 178

Chapter 7 Why Harry Needs Sally: How All-Boys Schools are Trying to Stay Relevant 185

"I Lost Out on the Ability to Relate to Girls": Single-Sex Ed and Social Skills 190

Changing Culture at All-Boys Schools 195

How to Talk to Boys 198

What to Look for in a Boys' School 201

Chapter 8 Boy-Friends: The Power of Male Friendship to Create a New Culture 207

The Roots of Sexual Harassment 210

Harnessing the Power of Sports 214

The Promise of Social-Emotional Learning in School 217

Teaching Boys They Have a Gender, Too 222

Teaching Boys to See Themselves as Change Agents 228

Boys Leading Boys 233

Epilogue 239

Acknowledgments 245

Endnotes 249

Index 289

Editorial Reviews

"Insightful, sometimes disturbing... a groundbreaking sociological investigation [and] a vital addition to the conversation."
— Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

"Deeply insightful...readers will leave this book inspired by Brown’s vision.”
— Publishers Weekly (starred review)

"This authoritative and accessible consideration offers insights, solutions, and hope."
— Booklist (starred review)

“A groundbreaking exploration with clear recommendations on how to better raise and support boys.”
— Library Journal (starred review)

"So many of the problems of our times can be traced back to our suffocatingly narrow definition of masculinity. We don't talk about this nearly enough. And when we do, we talk about it badly. TO RAISE A BOY lays out the problems alongside the solutions, giving us tools we can use right now—to do better by boys and girls, men and women."
—Amanda Ripley, author of the New York Times bestseller The Smartest Kids in the World

"An extraordinary expose on the issues that adolescent boys face. It is one of the finest if not the finest piece of writing that I have read on adolescent boys in the United States."
—Robert Blum, Professor at Johns Hopkins University Bloomberg School of Public Health

"We talk a lot about what men do to each other and to women, but we don't spend much time thinking about why men are the way they are. This book does that. It comes along at exactly the right time."
—Tony Dokoupil, CBS This Morning

"This book is necessary and the timing couldn't be more perfect."
—Mary Gordon, Founder of Roots of Empathy



"Brown offers a study of what it means to be a boy in America today—and the outdated notions of masculinity that continue to let our boys down."
— Washington Monthly

From the Publisher

★ 03/01/2021

Inspired by #MeToo, her work with Christine Blasey Ford, and her own infant son, journalist Brown investigates sexual violence and its connection to the myriad ways that boys are boxed into a damaging set of expectations, assumptions, and stereotypes regarding masculinity and behavior. In this outstanding work, she uncovers the profound harm caused by sexual violence against boys and men, and its invisibility relative to the plight of women. While Brown's research centers on schools, where social skills are forged and sex education efforts have dwindled, she also considers home and community life and touches on childhood trauma, race, implicit bias, and LGBTQ+ issues. Constrained by restrictive gender norms and by the need for peer approval, boys often engage in homophobic teasing toward other boys and sexually aggressive behavior toward girls. In response, adults often say, "Boys will be boys"; but in the best cases, some proactively create environments and opportunities for boys to consider the impact of their behavior and open up to trusted people. VERDICT Brown's reporting on a variety of such initiatives tempers the gut-punch of stories documenting the ubiquity and ugliness of sexual harassment and the harm of sexual violence to people of all genders. A groundbreaking exploration with clear recommendations on how to better raise and support boys.—Janet Ingraham Dwyer, State Lib. of Ohio, Columbus

Library Journal

★ 2020-11-21
An eye-opening exploration of modern boyhood and how parents can raise their sons to be better men.

The phrase “boys will be boys” is often used to dismiss violent and/or abusive behavior in boys and men. In this insightful, sometimes disturbing book, Washington Post investigative reporter Brown effectively demonstrates how such behavior can be avoided, a process that starts right after birth. Every interaction, relationship, discussion—even choice of toy—can affect the way boys view themselves, each other, and the girls and women around them. After hundreds of interviews with public health officials, parents, teachers, and boys across the country, the author was forced to “reexamine” her thoughts about boyhood. “We have failed boys,” she writes, “and our failure amounts to a public health crisis: they face staggering levels of physical and sexual violence, suicide rates that keep climbing, tight constraints on who and how they can be, and so much shame and fear….We simply have not given boys what they need to build relationships with themselves, with other boys and men, and with girls and women.” The author ranges widely, discussing the effect all-boys schools have on how boys perceive their peers and the opposite sex; the difficulty in understanding sexual boundaries and consent; the benefits of male friendships; and the efficacy of outreach programs that open venues for discussion with boys. In graphic detail, Brown explains the types of physical and sexual abuse that boys suffer at the hands of peers, older men, and even women, which may be a surprise to some readers. The author’s research findings and excerpts from interviews clearly convey the message that boys need better education about relationships, dating, sex, consent, pornography, and other relevant matters. Change is possible, notes Brown, and her informative book is a vital addition to the conversation.

A groundbreaking sociological investigation.

Kirkus Reviews