Understanding Sexual Identity: A Resource for Youth Ministry

by Mark A. Yarhouse, Wesley Hill Narrated by Craig Hinkle, Jeff Durham

Overview

Today's youth struggle with difficult questions of sexual identity. How can a youth worker offer wise care and counsel on such a controversial and confusing subject? Mark Yarhouse, Director of the Institute for the Study of Sexual Identity, writes to equip youth ministers so they can faithfully navigate the topic of sexual identity in a way that is honest, compassionate, and accessible.

Reframing the focus away from the culture wars, Yarhouse introduces you to the conversation beginning with the developmental considerations in the formation of sexual identity--all of which occurs in the teen years.* He offers practical and helpful ways to think about people who experience same-sex attraction. Sections of the book are also dedicated to helping parents respond to their children and teens who struggle with questions of sexual idenity, as well as how youth ministry can become more relevant in the lives of youth who are navigating these issues.

Reflection questions and figures are included in the audiobook companion PDF download.

Product Details

BN ID:	2940178636626
Publisher:	Zondervan
Publication date:	04/19/2022
Edition description:	Unabridged

Read an Excerpt

Understanding Sexual Identity

A Resource for Youth Ministry

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By Mark A. Yarhouse

ZONDERVAN

Copyright © 2013 Mark A. Yarhouse
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-310-51618-7

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CHAPTER 1

BECOMING A BETTER TRAIL GUIDE

PICTURE IN YOUR MIND TEENAGERS HIKING OR CLIMBING in a really difficult-to-navigate area. There are no obvious trail markers for them to spot. They are having a difficult time getting sure footing. They need help. That's where you come in. Your role is critical as a trail guide, and there are several things I want to bring to your attention to help you become a better guide for today's youth.

Teenagers who experience same-sex attraction or who are sorting out sexual-identity questions are navigating difficult terrain. You will be a better trail guide when you understand what they are dealing with and better grasp the unique developmental issues they are facing. You will bring more to your ministry when you learn how to establish an atmosphere of grace. You will be more effective when you learn to listen empathically.

The place to begin is with compassion.

Several years ago my wife and I attended a meet-and-greet luncheon for adoptive parents in one of the suburbs of Chicago. While I was parking the car, my wife went in to find us a spot at one of the tables. She sat down with a group of women and didn't give that fact much thought. When I joined her and the other guests, we realized that I was the only guy at the table. Then it dawned on us that the women at our table were all same-sex couples, and we were the only heterosexual couple at the table. It was a little awkward at first; we felt we had crashed the party, or at least I had. However, as prospective adoptive parents, we sat with the women at our table and the many other couples in the room who shared a similar interest in learning more about the process.

After the luncheon was over, we went out to our car only to find that it wouldn't start. The engine wouldn't turn over. I began to suspect it was the car battery, so after assessing both the situation and reflecting on my overall competence with automotive repair, I proceeded to give the universal sign for "help" by leaving the hood of the car up.

The next several minutes were interesting. I looked under the hood occasionally—just because it was something I could do to retain the impression that I knew something about cars. I moved some things around. A steady stream of luncheon attendees walked by on their way to their cars. For several minutes nobody stopped. Then a guy walked by with his wife, and I asked him for a hand giving the battery a jump. He glanced away from me and mumbled, "Oh, sorry, I have to get to a meeting at church." Great—now what?

Then, unexpectedly, one of the lesbian couples from our table walked up to us. One of the women offered to take a look at the car. She quickly confirmed that the problem was the battery. "I agree; I think you just need a jump," she said. "Let me get our car; we'll pull up right here and take care of it."

I couldn't help but think of the story Jesus told of the Good Samaritan. It is recorded in Luke 10:25-37 (The Message):

25 Just then a religion scholar stood up with a question to test Jesus. "Teacher, what do I need to do to get eternal life?"

26 He answered, "What's written in God's Law? How do you interpret it?"

27 He said, "That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence—and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself."

28 "Good answer!" said Jesus. "Do it and you'll live."

29 Looking for a loophole, he asked, "And just how would you define 'neighbor'?"

30-32 Jesus answered by telling a story. "There was once a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he was attacked by robbers. They took his clothes, beat him up, and went off leaving him half-dead. Luckily, a priest was on his way down the same road, but when he saw him he angled across to the other side. Then a Levite religious man showed up; he also avoided the injured man.

33-35 "A Samaritan traveling the road came on him. When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him. He gave him first aid, disinfecting and bandaging his wounds. Then he lifted him onto his donkey, led him to an inn, and made him comfortable. In the morning he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, 'Take good care of him. If it costs any more, put it on my bill—I'll pay you on my way back.'

36 "What do you think? Which of the three became a neighbor to the man attacked by robbers?"

37 "The one who treated him kindly," the religion scholar responded.

Jesus said, "Go and do the same."

Jesus knew the heart of the religious scholar. This was a guy who was trying to justify himself. Jesus pushed him in an area that would be really difficult for an observant Jew of that day. He made the neighbor in the story a Samaritan. It is important to understand that observant Jews did not associate with Samaritans. Indeed, the Samaritans were considered unclean. Who was his neighbor? Who showed compassion? The Samaritan.

We all have people in our lives like the Samaritan was to the religious scholar. My pastor recently put it this way: God puts in our lives people each of us has a hard time picturing God loving. We have a hard time seeing them in all of their complexity because of positions the church holds. For many in the church today, gay, lesbian, and bisexual people are the "other"—those who are difficult to see with compassion.

What does this mean? In my work in this area for more than 15 years, I have adopted as a professional brand the idea of "convicted civility." This is a phrase that comes from Richard Mouw via Martin Marty. The idea originally was this: We have too many Christians out there who are strong on convictions but embarrass the name of Christ in how they relate to the world around them. At the same time, we have too many Christians who are remarkably civil, but you would have no idea what convictions they hold. We need both convictions and civility.

I think about this when I hear the word compassion. It reminds me of the civility part of convicted civility. But compassion is more than that. It refers to empathizing with the suffering of others.

Compassion is more than just being respectful with others with whom you disagree. But it's not any less than that.

Compassion is more than just refraining from saying, "That's so gay!" and "Stop acting gay!" but it's not any less than that.

Compassion is more than not passing along the latest gay joke, but it's not any less than that.

In The Way of the Heart, Henri Nouwen offers the following reflection on compassion:

Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it. As busy, active, relevant ministers, we want to earn our bread by making a real contribution. This means first and foremost doing something to show that our presence makes a difference. And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer.

Practically speaking, compassion involves truly seeing and listening to another person. It says, "Tell me more about what's happening in your life ..." It involves trying to see her circumstances through her eyes (empathy). Compassion seeks to understand. It unpacks a person's story and allows a person's background and experiences to "thicken the plot" in that person's life.

Compassion also leads by example. It invites another to be transparent by being appropriately transparent first; in other words, it models transparency rather than demanding it from another and then being witness to that person's vulnerabilities.

Compassion is difficult for some people to muster, particularly in this area. Why is that? There are a number of reasons, but one of the most obvious is the culture war. By this I mean the ways in which people are reduced to political causes. If you start with the assumption that everyone in the gay community is an activist who wants to change the fundamental meaning of marriage, for example, then you are less likely to see the range of experiences among people who experience same-sex attraction, and your ministry will reflect that.

In the opening story of this chapter, I shared my experience meeting a lesbian couple who demonstrated compassion to me when our car would not start. Before anyone runs with the analogy between ethnicity and sexual identity, I am not saying that just as Jews of that day thought of Samaritans, Christians today think of gay persons. However, we have a cultural context today in which we have local communities of faith in which the climate is such that young people who are navigating this terrain cannot find any compassion. In fact, we may inadvertently push people toward the mainstream gay community precisely because we share the same tendency to reduce complexity to culture war. We appear to prefer politics to pastoral care.

KEY TERMS

Let's begin our journey into the world of sexual identity by clarifying some key terms. It's generally not all that helpful to refer to "the gay community" when you speak because there is actually great diversity within the gay community. So in this book I tend to use the phrase "mainstream gay community" to indicate what the majority of the members of the gay community tend to prefer. This reminds us that there are those within the gay community who disagree with one another. Take the topic of gay marriage, for instance. Not everyone in the gay community wants it, not everyone supports it, but I would say that the mainstream gay community is supportive of gay marriage. They support it, in large part, because of what it symbolizes (equality, dignity). In any case, by saying the "mainstream gay community" I am reminded that there are those who are part of the gay community who disagree with the mainstream of the gay community.

I frequently refer to "people who experience same-sex attractions," but I find that the phrase "people who experience same-sex attractions" is a little wordy and is cumbersome when used frequently. So I need language that will fit in a carry-on. I don't need long phrases when everyone knows what is being said—that needs to be checked luggage. So I'll often use the phrase "sexual minorities" as shorthand. In doing this, I know that there are readers who will not be receptive to that phrase.

The main concern I hear from those who are concerned with the phrase "sexual minority" is a fear that it plays into the political interests of the gay community—a community that wants to advance a particular vision of homosexuality as something akin to the civil rights movement. The rights debate has relevance to the legal issues surrounding gay marriage and gay adoption. I understand that referring to sexual minorities might carry some connotation that I support these legal arguments, but I assure you that my primary concern is clinical and pastoral. I am concerned with helping the Christian community find better and more helpful ways to respond to young people who are sorting out sexual-identity questions in light of their same-sex sexuality. When we depict the gay community solely in terms of specific political agendas, we tend to overstate what is intended.

My use of the phrase "sexual minorities" is really about numbers—the idea that it is not that common to experience same-sex attraction. To say it simply: There is a group of folks who experience their sexual identity differently than those in the majority, those who identify as heterosexual. Those whose sexual identity is same-sex are numerically in the minority, and so the phrase "sexual minority" can remind all of us of this fact.

Again, I realize that much of this language has been used to advance particular political agendas. So you may have to do a cognitive exercise occasionally to remind yourself that I am not talking about that here. I am not equating sexual minorities with racial minorities, nor am I suggesting that this is a civil rights concern. That is a different subject entirely, one that I am not addressing in this book. My concern here is with youth ministry: helping those who work with youth to be compassionate and speak relevantly to young people of this generation.

If you are involved in youth ministry today you will likely face similar questions about the language you use. What words should you use to talk about these issues? Should you reference homosexuality? Do you use the terms gay and lesbian? Do you talk about "sexual identity"? Or use the phrase "sexual minorities"?

I'll leave these questions for you to decide, but throughout this book I will try to define my terms so that the language I use helps you think about the issue with greater insight and understanding. My hope is that your work on your own ministry will reflect the complexity inherent in this topic—so that you can better minister to all of your youth, including those who are sexual minorities.

Again, let me define what I am saying: Sexual minorities are the students in your youth ministry who experience either their sexual identity or their gender identity in ways that are different than those in the majority. Sexual identity refers to the act of "labeling" oneself based on one's sexual attractions or orientation. Common sexual-identity labels include gay, straight, lesbian, and bisexual. You may hear some kids refer to themselves as questioning, curious, or queer. Still others prefer not to adopt any label whatsoever. The difference between attractions and orientation is just a difference in the strength of those attractions and how persistent they are for a person. In other words, if a person has strong attractions to the same sex, and if those attractions persist and seem stable over time, they will likely think of themselves as having an orientation toward the same sex.

Gender identity is something different than sexual identity. Gender identity refers to the act of identifying oneself as male or female. People who experience their gender identity differently than the majority often report feeling distress or unease in response to their apparent gender as male or female. They may feel that they are really of the opposite sex, if not physically, then at least emotionally and psychologically. They, too, are sexual minorities. They experience their gender identity in ways that are different than those in the majority.

This book is primarily focused on sexual identity. So when I reference sexual minorities in this context, I am referring primarily to people who experience same-sex attraction. They are sorting out how to think about their sexual attractions and whether to adopt an identity that labels their attractions. For instance, they may decide, based on their feelings or attractions, to say "I am Gay" as a designation.

This leads me to one final clarification. I will capitalize the term "Gay" whenever I am referring to a sexual identity and more specifically, the Gay-identity script. I use the term "Gay" as an umbrella term for gay, lesbian, and bisexual identities. This will guard against conflating the noun and the adjective. In other words, we need to distinguish between the noun (Gay) that refers to a sexual identity and the adjective (gay) that refers to an orientation. I have not made this distinction in my previous writing; however, there are benefits to acknowledging that in our culture today "gay" is used by nearly everyone (and certainly most of the youth in your youth group) to refer to a homosexual orientation. To use it to refer to identity only will be confusing to them.

Another benefit to distinguishing between Gay as a sexual identity and "gay" as a sexual orientation is that it avoids stigmatizing the word "gay." Why does this matter? Because some Christians are finding it helpful to use gay as an adjective, as a way of describing and naming their experiences. While I know this is controversial, it has been an important way for them to name their reality in a way that saying "I am same-sex attracted" simply does not accomplish.

Here is an illustration that may be helpful in understanding the need for this distinction:

In the world of hearing loss, you have those who are Deaf and those who are deaf. These two groups are well-distinguished and identified. Anyone who uses capital "D" Deaf knows she is referring to something more than small "d" deaf. People who are Deaf comprise a culture; they do not see themselves as having a disability. Instead they see themselves as a people group with their own language and culture. On the other hand those who are deaf do not see their hearing loss as an identity; instead, they see it as a disability or medical condition. This group is more likely to be "oral." That is, they often undergo intensive training to lip-read and use their voice to communicate instead of using sign language. Some might also seek a cochlear implant. When they say "I am deaf" they are not saying "I am Deaf." At times there is contention between the groups because of a conflict in how each group understands its experience of hearing loss. For example those who are Deaf see cochlear implants as threatening and an extreme offense. They don't believe anything needs to be "fixed." They celebrate their identity as Deaf.
(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Understanding Sexual Identity by Mark A. Yarhouse. Copyright © 2013 Mark A. Yarhouse. Excerpted by permission of ZONDERVAN.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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