When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses
288When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses
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Overview
"Once in a generation, a book comes along that alters the way society views a topic. When Children Grieve is an essential primer for parents and others who interact with children on a regular basis." — Bernard McGrane, Ph.D., Professor of Sociology, Chapman University and U.C. Irvine
The first—and definitive—guide to helping children really deal with loss from the authors of the The Grief Recovery Handbook
Following deaths, divorces, pet loss, or the confusion of major relocation, many adults tell their children “don’t feel bad.” In fact, say the authors of the bestselling The Grief Recovery Handbook, feeling bad or sad is precisely the appropriate emotion attached to sad events. Encouraging a child to bypass grief without completion can cause unseen long-term damage.
When Children Grieve helps parents break through the misinformation that surrounds the topic of grief. It pinpoints the six major myths that hamper children in adapting to life’s inevitable losses. Practical and compassionate, it guides parents in creating emotional safety and spells out specific actions to help children move forward successfully.
Product Details
ISBN-13: | 9780062015488 |
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Publisher: | HarperCollins |
Publication date: | 06/22/2010 |
Sold by: | HARPERCOLLINS |
Format: | eBook |
Pages: | 288 |
Sales rank: | 899,308 |
File size: | 451 KB |
About the Author
John W. James and Russell Friedman have been working with grievers for more than thirty years. They have served as consultants to thousands of bereavement professionals and provide Grief Recovery® Seminars and Certification Programs throughout the United States and Canada. They are the founders of the Grief Recovery Institute®.
Read an Excerpt
Chapter One
What's the Problem and Whose Problem Is It?
Because you are reading this book, there is a high probability that your child or a child in your care has experienced one or more losses. It is impossible to set down a list of losses that would have universal application to everyone reading this book. The following list represents the most common losses, in the sequence most likely to occur in a child's life.
Death of a petDeath of a grandparent
Major move
Divorce of a child's parents
Death of a parent[s]
Death of a playmate, friend, or relative
Debilitating injury to the child or to someone important in the child's life
The fact that one or more of the losses listed has occurred is only part of the problem. The other part is that you may not know exactly what to do to help your child deal with his or her feelings about this loss.
Something has occurred that is negatively affecting your child. You may be aware of this because of the ways in which your child is behaving. Many of the normal and natural signs of grief are fairly obvious. Most of those signs would be the same for a child's reaction to a death, a divorce, or some other type of loss. But for now, we will use a child's response to news about a death. Often the immediate response to learning of a death is a sense of numbness. That numbness lasts a different amountof time for each child. What usually lasts longer, and is even more universal, is a reduced ability to concentrate.
Other common reactions include major changes in eating and sleeping patterns. Those patterns can alternate from one extreme to the other. Also typical is a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. As we mention these reactions, please notice that we are not labeling them as stages. They are simply some of the normal ways in which the body, the mind, and especially the emotions respond to the overwhelmingly painful information that something out of the ordinary has occurred. These reactions to a death are normal and typical even if there has been a long-term illness, which may have included substantial time and opportunity to "prepare" for that which will inevitably happen. We cannot prepare ourselves or our children, in advance, for the emotional reaction to a death.
This book (on behalf of your children) is about your child's reaction to death and other losses, and what you can do to help him or her. Because the topic of grief and potential recovery is so obscured by fear and misinformation, we are going to encourage you to examine the ideas you currently have about dealing with loss and to consider seriously whether those ideas are valuable for helping your child. We are going to presume that you are reading this book because you are eager to acquire the ideas and tools that will enable you to begin helping your child right away. So, let's get to work.
We have used the word grief several times in the opening pages of this book. Perhaps we should define the word for you, in the interest of clarity and mutual understanding. Many people associate the word grief only with physical death. We use a much broader definition that encompasses all loss experiences:
an end in a familiar pattern of behavior.
As you'll recall, our list of losses included the death of a pet, death of a grandparent, moving, divorce of a child's parents, and death of a parent. Each of those losses represents a massive change or end from everything familiar. With death, the person or pet that has always been there is no longer there. With moving, the familiar place and surroundings are different. Divorce alters all of the routines in a child's life: it often includes changes in living situations and separation from extended family members and friends.
The losses we have listed carry with them the obvious emotional impact that we can all imagine would affect our children. But our definition of grief includes the idea that there are conflicting feelings. The concept of conflicting feelings requires a little bit of explanation. If you have ever had a loved one who struggled for a long time with a terminal illness, you may have had some feelings of relief when that person died. The relief usually stems from the idea that your loved one is no longer in pain. At the same time, your heart may have felt broken because he or she was no longer here. So the conflicting feelings are relief and sadness.
Moving also sets up conflicting feelings. We may miss some of the familiar things that we liked about the old house or neighborhood, and at the same time really like some of the things about the new place. Children are particularly affected by changes in locations, routines, and physical familiarity.
Death, divorce, and even moving are obvious losses. Less apparent are losses having to do with health issues. A major change in the physical or mental health of a child or a parent can have dramatic impact on a child's life. And even though children are not usually directly involved with financial matters, they can be affected by major financial changes, positive or negative, within their family.
Society has identified more than forty life experiences that produce feelings of grief. At The Grief Recovery Institute we have expanded that list to include many of the loss experiences that are less concrete and thus are difficult to measure. Loss of trust, loss of safety, and loss of control are the most prominent of the intangible but life-altering experiences that affect children's lives...
Table of Contents
Introduction: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First | xii | |
Who Are We? And Why Have We Written This Book? | xv | |
Part 1 | Monkey See, Monkey do | 1 |
Why Are You Reading This Book? | 3 | |
Chapter 1 | What's the Problem and Whose Problem Is It? | 5 |
What's the Problem? | 6 | |
What Is Grief, Anyway? | 7 | |
Obvious and Hidden Losses | 8 | |
Never Compare Losses | 8 | |
Time Doesn't Heal--Actions Do | 9 | |
Normal and Natural | 10 | |
Crisis Behavior | 11 | |
Between the Problem and the Solution: Six Major Myths | 12 | |
Chapter 2 | Looking At Myth 1: Don't Feel Bad! | 14 |
Sweet but Dangerous | 15 | |
Without Sadness, Joy Cannot Exist | 16 | |
We Are Not Exaggerating | 16 | |
Who's Responsible for Feelings? | 21 | |
Chapter 3 | Looking at Myth 2: Replace the Loss, Part One | 24 |
All Relationships are Unique | 26 | |
The Stolen Bicycle | 27 | |
Toys and Dolls--Gone but Not Forgotten | 28 | |
It's Time to Meet Leslie and Learn More about Cherished Possessions | 29 | |
Replace the Loss, Part Two | 31 | |
Chapter 4 | Looking at Myth 3: Grieve Alone | 33 |
Multigenerational Pass-Through | 34 | |
Grieve Alone--A Closer Look | 36 | |
Why Do People Grieve Alone? | 38 | |
Is Alone Ever Okay? | 39 | |
Here's Some Good News: Different Beliefs Produce Better Results For Children | 39 | |
Pause to Reflect and Recap | 40 | |
Chapter 5 | Looking at Myth 4: Be Strong | 42 |
Wait, There's More | 43 | |
Strong or Human, Pick One! | 44 | |
Chapter 6 | Looking at Myth 5: Keep Busy | 46 |
A Dangerous Illusion | 47 | |
The Real Impact of Loss: Keeping Busy and Dwelling on Pain | 48 | |
Dwelling on Pain Is Sometimes the Result of Not Being Heard | 50 | |
Heard at Last | 51 | |
Chapter 7 | Looking at Myth 6: Time Heals All Wounds | 54 |
Corporate Grief and Grief in the Classroom | 55 | |
No Time Zones | 56 | |
Part 2 | Moving From Grief to Recovery | 59 |
Chapter 8 | Looking for "The Book" | 61 |
John's Quest Continues | 64 | |
Chapter 9 | What Is Incomplete Grief? | 67 |
Is Incomplete Grief Only about Bad Things? | 69 | |
Chapter 10 | Helping the Helpers | 73 |
It's Easier to Fill an Empty Cup | 73 | |
Scuba Diving Lessons | 74 | |
The Critical Transition | 75 | |
Boundless Capacity | 77 | |
Delicate Strokes | 78 | |
If Your Kids Are Older, Do Not Despair | 79 | |
Do We Know Enough Yet? | 79 | |
Chapter 11 | Short-Term Energy-Relieving Behaviors (S.T.E.R.B.s) | 80 |
Do You Know Where Your Child's Energy Is? | 82 | |
Short-Term Relief Doesn't Work | 84 | |
Recapping Part Two | 87 | |
Part 3 | The Path to Completion | 89 |
What is Completion? | ||
Chapter 12 | The Relationship Review | 91 |
Relationship Reviews Happen Automatically | 91 | |
Who Goes First? | 92 | |
Pick the Fruit When It's Ripe | 93 | |
Chapter 13 | Real-Life Examples | 96 |
Out of the Mouths of Babes--Good-bye, Mr. Hamster | 96 | |
All Grief Is Experienced at 100 percent | 98 | |
The Death of a Pet | 98 | |
Random Memories | 102 | |
Chapter 14 | Helping Your Child Review the Relationship | 103 |
Sleeping in the Bed, or Not | 105 | |
Minding the Steam Kettle | 106 | |
Chapter 15 | The Emotional Energy Checklist | 107 |
Children and Their Pets: Reviewing Events and Emotions | 107 | |
Emotional Energy Checklist: Death of a Pet | 110 | |
Chapter 16 | What to Do with the Review | 113 |
Converting Emotional Energy Into Recovery Components | 113 | |
Chapter 17 | Recovery Components | 116 |
Apologies First | 116 | |
Apologies to Living People | 116 | |
Apologies to People Who Have Died | 119 | |
Should Parents Ever Apologize? | 119 | |
Time Doesn't Create Completion: Actions Do | 120 | |
Chapter 18 | Recovery Components: Forgiveness | 121 |
Forgiveness Is an Action, Not a Feeling | 123 | |
Chapter 19 | Recovery Components: Significant Emotional Statements | 126 |
Are the Same Things Significant for Everyone? | 127 | |
Some Significant Comments Require Forgiveness | 128 | |
Fond Memories | 128 | |
Recapping This Section | 129 | |
Chapter 20 | Death of a Person | 132 |
Reviewing Relationships with People Who Have Died | 133 | |
The Death of a Grandparent | 134 | |
Uniqueness Is the Real Issue | 135 | |
"Less Than Loved Ones" | 137 | |
Complex Relationships | 137 | |
Emotional Energy Checklist: Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintance | 139 | |
Recapping Part Three--Is It Soup Yet? | 143 | |
Before We Move On, We Honor the Readers | 144 | |
Part 4 | Moving from Discovery to Completion | 145 |
Chapter 21 | Continuing Litany vs. Freedom | |
Carrying the Litany Is a Heavy Load | 147 | |
Exaggerated Memory Pictures | 149 | |
Freedom Feels Better | 150 | |
Chapter 22 | Zeroing In on Completion | 151 |
"Thumper" | 151 | |
Chapter 23 | Delivering, Completing, and Saying Good-bye | 160 |
Leading Up to Jessica's Letter | 161 | |
Jessica's Completion Letter to Thumper | 163 | |
Entirely Different but Exactly the Same | 176 | |
Chapter 24 | Very Close to NaNa | 169 |
Emotional Energy List--Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintance | 176 | |
Chronicling Events that Occur After a Death | 179 | |
Amanda's Completion Letter to NaNa | 181 | |
Chapter 25 | One More Letter | 183 |
Jeffrey's Letter | 184 | |
New Discoveries | 185 | |
What About Jeffrey's Sisters? | 186 | |
Concluding Part Four | 187 | |
Part 5 | Other Losses | 189 |
Focusing on Moving and Divorce | 189 | |
Chapter 26 | The First Big Move | 191 |
Transitional Events | 193 | |
Chapter 27 | What Not to Do | 194 |
Moving | 197 | |
Chapter 28 | On Divorce | 199 |
Leslie Gets the First Word--The Divorce of My Parents | 199 | |
Chapter 29 | Bad New--Bad News | 202 |
Long Term or Sudden Impact | 202 | |
Whose Divorce Is It? | 203 | |
Multiple Losses | 204 | |
Sometimes We Get Lucky | 206 | |
Don't Fix Feelings | 207 | |
Don't Be Fooled--Relief Is Only the Last Feeling | 208 | |
Noble Sentiments, but Hearts Are Still Broken | 209 | |
One Central Issue | 201 | |
Unique Is Still the Bottom Line | 211 | |
Where Is the Focus? | 212 | |
Taking Sides | 213 | |
Children Sometimes Blame Themselves | 214 | |
What Can You Do to Help? | 214 | |
Leslie Gets the Last Word, Too | 215 | |
Part 6 | Closing up Shop | 219 |
Chapter 30 | The "D" Word | 221 |
Illusion of Protection | 222 | |
Solid and Clear Reference Point | 222 | |
Sometimes the World Travels Backward | 223 | |
Talking About Death with Your Child | 224 | |
Curiosity Helps Children Learn | 226 | |
Chapter 31 | Euphemisms + Metaphors = Confusion | 230 |
Chapter 32 | Four Weddings and a Funeral? | 234 |
Forty-five Years Later, but Who's Counting | 237 | |
Chapter 33 | Win-Win | 240 |
Chloe and Carrie Sue and the Real Meaning of Time | 240 | |
Three Generations | 242 | |
Spencer's Accidental Owners | 244 | |
Tuning In to Elizabeth | 247 | |
The Grief Recovery Groupie | 249 | |
Our Completion with You | 252 | |
Questionnaire | 254 | |
Acknowledgments | 261 |
What People are Saying About This
Fred Rogers,Producer/Host Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and Honorary Chairman of The Caring Place (a center for grieving children, adolescents, and their families)
There isn't anyone in life who hasn't experienced some kind of loss. It's comforting to know that we are not alone in our sadness and that practical, easy-to-read, thoughtful help is available by way of Russell Friedman, John James, and Leslie Landon Matthews gentle insights on the pages of When Children Grieve. Thank you, Neighbors, for your obvious care.