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Overview
The lives of Janice, Cody, and Ms. Freedman are revealed through in-class essays, letters, therapeutic journal exercises, an advice column, a reality show television transcript, a diary, and a Methodist women’s fundraising cookbook. (Recipes include “Dark Night of the Soul Food,” “Render Unto Caesar Salad,” and “Valley of the Shadow of Death by Chocolate Cake.”) In “Virtue of the Month,” the ghost of Ms. Freedman’s mother argues that suicide is not a choice. In “The Un-Game,” Janice’s chain-smoking nursing home charge composes a dirty limerick. In “The Hall of Old-Testament Miracles,” wax figures of Bible characters come to life, hungry for Cody’s flesh.
Set against a South Texas landscape where cicadas hum and the air smells of taco stands and jasmine flowers, these stories range from laugh-out-loud funny to achingly poignant. This surreal, exuberant collection mines the dark recesses of the soul while illuminating the human heart.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781609382902 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | University of Iowa Press |
| Publication date: | 10/01/2014 |
| Series: | John Simmons Short Fiction Award Series |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 206 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
When Mystical Creatures Attack!
By Kathleen Founds
University of Iowa Press
Copyright © 2014 Kathleen FoundsAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60938-290-2
CHAPTER 1
WHEN MYSTICAL CREATURES ATTACK!
1. What is your favorite mystical creature? ______________________________________
2. What is the greatest sociopolitical problem of our time?___________________________________________
Journaling Prompt: Write a one-page story in which your favorite mystical creature resolves the greatest sociopolitical problem of our time.
How the Minotaur Changed the Legal Drinking Age to 16
by Danny Ramirez
He'd be like, "Citizenry of congress, teenagers are going to drink anyway, so you need to learn to trust them, and not have the janitor break open their lockers because you think they have your diary hidden under their gym clothes," which I didn't, Ms. Freedman, so I hope they make you pay for my lock. Then the Minotaur would decree that any teacher who, in the heart of her personal journal, describes students as "feral raccoons devoid of impulse control" is maybe not cut out for education. Then the Minotaur would get hired as a Spokes-Minotaur for King Cobra. He'd be in commercials with all these big blonde Amazonian chicks, drinking forties, doing a topless carwash. In a maze.
How the Unicorn Stabbed Danny Ramirez in the Heart Seven Times, Which Is What He Deserves, for Breaking Up with Me Like That
by Andrea Shylomar
I don't believe in anything mystical, Ms. Freedman. Not even God. You made us build that diorama of Mount Olympus, and you made us paint that mural with unicorns and butcher birds and sand toads. You said it was to show that books transport us to different worlds, where there are different rules, and there's magic in everything. Well what you forgot, Ms. Freedman, is that when you shut the book, you're back in this world, and the bell is ringing, and wadded up paper is thrown at your head, and Phil Gasher is poking at your crotch with a broken pencil, and Kristi Colimote's bitchy flunkies climb into your bathroom stall and threaten you with scissors. What you need is a book that takes you out of this world permanently. Which is called a gun, I think.
How the Werewolf Solved the Problem of Hunger
by Xuang Lee Zhang
He ate everyone. Then there were no more people. Then no one was hungry. Especially not the Werewolf. He did get lonely, though. He was so fat he couldn't move, and he lay on the bank of the river wishing someone would come and sing to him. Nobody did.
How the Giant Squid Made Me Stop Being Pregnant
by Kristi Colimote
I was swimming in my bathing suit, all worried, because like I told you at lunch hour Ms. Freedman, I'm pregnant. I guess Danny Ramirez is the father, but I barely broke up with him, and already he's hooking up behind the dumpster with that fish-lipped Shylomar freak. Plus also? My mom is totally going to kick me out when she finds out.
So I was floating there, and it smelled like seaweed, and I tasted salt on my tongue, and then the giant squid grabbed me with her big pink arm. It felt all squishy around my stomach, and it pulled me under and I couldn't breathe. The squid hugged me close to her body, and told me in squid language that she would take my baby and live with it under the sea. Then she squeezed my stomach and this little fish popped out and I could tell it was going to grow up to be like this gorgeous mermaid who would drive the sailors crazy when they saw her tits all poking out of the water. The squid kind of cradled the little fish with one tentacle and then she let me go. I stuck my head out of the water and I felt my stomach and the baby was gone. I swam back to shore, all happy, because my baby was safe there in the dark water, and in my bathing suit I walked all the way over to the Planned Parenthood on 23rd Street. I was all dripping when I walked inside. The secretaries were like, "What's with this chick?" I just told them to put me on birth control, like I should have done a year ago, if I wasn't so scared of my mom finding out.
How the Sphinx Solved the Problem of Loneliness
by Cody Splunk
As I meandered down the trash-laden streets, a deep voice rose from the gutter grate: "Down here." I looked down there, and was startled to see a basilisk swishing its tail in the darkness. "Before you dain to pass this gate ..." His voice caused tremors in the pavement. "You must answer me this riddle."
"So be it," I said.
The creature spoke in a rumbling whisper. "Large as a mountain, small as a pea, Endlessly swimming in a waterless sea." His eyes burned with the fire of a thousand suns. "What am I?"
I bit my thumb, and raised my eyes. The stars were numb smears against the engulfing void.
"You are an asteroid," I said.
The creature threw back its head and gave a roar so great it shattered the windows in a nearby warehouse. Its head spun round like a whirling dervish, and when it ceased spinning, its countenance was transformed.
"You're not a mere basilisk," I exclaimed. "You're a shape-shifting basilisk-sphinx! Never has there been a creature so rare—and so dangerous." I drew in my breath. "According to Book IV of Engagement with Creatures of Foul Darkness, you are honor-bound to accept my riddle. So answer me this:
Long-limbed and Learn'd
I read, game, and snack,
Oh unquenchable longing
What is it I lack?
(See back for answer, Ms. F.) Answer: Janice Gibbs won't go out with me.
How the Vampire Resolved the Global AIDS Crisis
by Julie Chang
I guess he turned everyone with AIDS into vampires. Then, because they were vampires, they would live forever. And not die of AIDS. But I guess then there would be the problem of all these AIDS vampires spreading disease when they sucked people's blood. So maybe it would be better if the vampire just did AIDS awareness education. He could go around to assemblies in high school cafeterias and tell people about AIDS and show them how to put a condom on a banana, like you did in homeroom after Kristi got pregnant, Ms. Freedman. Except no one would laugh, or ask what is the difference between an erection and a boner? or say it didn't look like you'd ever opened a condom wrapper before, because you kept fumbling, and you finally tore it open with your teeth. Everyone would just be really frightened, and use condoms, and not get AIDS.
How the Cephalopod Balanced the National Budget
by Andy Lopez
Cephalopods seem like mystical creatures to me, Ms. Freedman, because they have no vertebrae, and they can change color faster than a chameleon. Also, I was wondering: are those your real eyes, Ms. Freedman? Because there's a lot of light in them, when you stand by the window. I thought maybe you wear contact lenses, and that's where you get those little flecks of green. If the Cephalopods balanced the national budget—I am thinking here of lots of tiny slugs jumping on calculator buttons to do the equations—you wouldn't have to buy us scissors and tape. And you wouldn't be so stressed, because we would have more books than just Reading is Fun! from 1972, which as you pointed out, is for fourth graders. You wouldn't have had to bring in all your childhood books from your family's basement, and you wouldn't have been so upset when someone drew boobs and a penis on Black Beauty. I know you think it was me, because of those notes I wrote you, but it wasn't. I wouldn't do something like that, Ms. Freedman. I like you. I think you're the best teacher in the school.
How the Pegasus Created World Peace
by Amelia Basil
I rode the Pegasus to school on Monday morning, and we stood on Ms. Freedman's desk and testified to the rapturous power of the Lord. The Pegasus interpreted scripture and I spoke in tongues. Angelica Masterson fell to her knees and saw a vision of souls tormented in lakes of fire. She abandoned her way of darkness, and no longer made me swallow erasers in second period. Then the seventh seal was opened. The sun turned black, the moon became blood, and stars fell to earth like fruit shaken from trees. The Lamb of God appeared in all his glory, his white robes blinding our eyes. I knelt before him, and he put his hand on my head. "Well done, good and faithful servant," he said. A sword of joy pierced my heart, and I felt the violence of love.
How the Succubus Got Me Laid
by Phil Gasher
I was lying on my bed, staring at these pictures I ripped out of Playboy and taped to my ceiling. I wanted it bad. My little brother, who shares my room, was like, "Wanna play Legos?" And even when I looked at the Lego princess, who is tiny and square and yellow, I felt kind of turned on. Suddenly, the room began to shake, and the Lego princess grew a pair of bat wings, and then she grew bigger and bigger until she was this really hot, tall, yellow woman, only with goat hooves and a forked tongue. Due to my comic book wisdom, I recognized her as a succubus, which is a female demon who seduces men and draws away their life force. I was like, Davy, go downstairs, I need to have some personal time with Lego princess.
I lost ninety percent of my life force that afternoon, but it was totally worth it. And that is why, Ms. Freedman, I kept falling asleep in class last week.
How the Wood-Nymph Saved the Environment
by Janice Aurelia Gibbs
It would be kind of like that time that you brought in cupcakes on your birthday, Ms. Freedman, and Andrea Shylomar said they tasted like wet bananas, and you were like, "Very well then, Andrea, give me back the cupcake," and she was like, "No, miss, I was just saying stuff, I'll still eat it." Then Danny Ramirez was all, "This frosting looks like poop." And you lost it, Ms. Freedman. You took his cupcake and smashed it against the chalkboard. The cupcake stuck to the chalkboard for a few seconds, and when it fell off, it left this smear on the chalkboard. Which, Ms. Freedman, you have to admit, did look a lot like poop. Anyway, you just stood there; breathing loudly, and then you made everyone fold their arms on their desk and put their heads down. You turned off the lights, and you sat at your desk, and you ate, like, ten cupcakes. You even ate the wrappers. We were all scared, Ms. Freedman, because you had always been so nice, and you were acting whacked.
Anyway, it would be a lot like that with the wood nymph. At first everyone thinks, "We can do whatever to the environment, she won't even do nothing." For a thousand years, the wood nymph forgives us for destroying the world. But when someone cuts down the oldest and tallest redwood tree, her patience snaps. Big-time. She makes the plants wither and the volcanoes explode and freezes the water to ice. Which really makes people think about their behavior. Then maybe they change.
How My Dad Fixed the Lawnmower
by Adam Sandoval
I guess my Dad is kind of like a mystical creature, Ms. Freedman, because he died when I was three. I guess he would be like a ghost now or whatever. Like an angel or a spirit or something. Anyway, I was thinking, what if he came back? My mom would be so happy to see him, she would kick Trent out right away, and say I never want to see your ugly face round here again, my husband has come back, and he's not going to give me thumbprint bruises on my arms, or lie on the couch all morning putting out cigarettes in cartons of ice cream. My dad would be a light blue kind of color, filmy and electric. Not just him, but everyone who died and had families missing them—they would all get to come back. Everything that was broken would be fixed, Ms. Freedman, they would even find your journal, which Danny Ramirez hid under the dumpster behind the gym, but don't tell anyone I said that. Everything that was lost would be found.
How the Phoenix Got Ms. Freedman Out of Texas
by Laura Freedman
The phoenix appeared at Ms. Freedman's window.
"You're crushing the gardenias in my windowbox," she said.
The massive bird groomed its wing.
"You may as well come in." She patted her bed. "Have a seat. Can I get you a drink?"
The phoenix shook its head.
"I was planning to have Raisin Bran for dinner," she said, sipping wine from a coffee mug. "But if you're hungry, I'll thaw some chicken."
The phoenix cocked its head to the side.
"Don't look at me like that, bird. I don't need your guilt trip."
The bird widened its eyes.
"I mean, why should I stay?" Ms. Freedman gestured with the mug. "Are you going tell me that I'm sowing 'seeds of hope that may take years to sprout'? That I'm reaching them in a way that's 'invisible but real'? Because I've been telling myself that all year, bird. I don't need to hear it from you."
The phoenix regarded her in silence.
"I feel like an empty yogurt container with a banana peel stuffed in it. I mean—can an empty yogurt container with a banana peel stuffed in it transform a child's life? No."
The phoenix fluttered to the windowsill.
"It can't even be recycled."
The phoenix cocked its head to the side. Beckoning.
Ms. Freedman stood up and stepped to the window. She nested her fingers in the phoenix's plumage and hoisted her body onto its back. She burrowed her face in its neck. She could feel its heart reverberate against its downy skin.
The phoenix stepped into the windowbox, crushing a gardenia. Then it thrust out its wings, and flew.
WARM GREETINGS
BRIDGES
Psychiatric Wellness Solutions
Warm Greetings, Laura Freedman!
You are an honored guest here at Bridges: Psychiatric Wellness Solutions. We hope you find that our Wellness Points™ system offers a uniquely effective approach to emotional optimization. Our founder, Dr. Sherman Weir, developed the capitalist model of cognitive behavioral therapy when his son was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Frustrated by the limits of traditional inpatient therapy, Dr. Weir envisioned a system where enlightened self-interest drives positive behavioral change.
How Do I Earn Wellness Points™?
Guests earn Wellness Points™ by participating in activities that activate emotional optimization. Guests can use Wellness Points™ to pay off their Emotional Debt™ and rebuild their Psychiatric Credit Score™.
Mood Chart +10 Wellness Points™
Water Aerobics +10 Wellness Points™
Jungian Clay Modeling +10 Wellness Points™
Journaling Therapy +10 Wellness Points™
Sand Play +10 Wellness Points™
What Can I Buy With My Wellness Points™?
Macrobiotic Cookie 10 Wellness Points™
Hot Tub Soak 20 Wellness Points™
Letter 25 Wellness Points™
Visitor 100 Wellness Points™
Are There Behaviors I Should I Avoid?
Crying jags -25 Wellness Points™
Name Calling -25 Wellness Points™
Passive Aggression -25 Wellness Points™
Aggressive Aggression -100 Wellness Points™
(List not exhaustive. Further penalties may be enforced at staff discretion.)
When Do I Get Out?
To obtain an approved release, you must rebuild your Psychiatric Credit Score™. Your recent BIPOLAR BREAK WITH CONSENSUS REALITY has lowered your Psychiatric Credit Score to o.
Can My Wellness Points™ Accrue Interest?
After maintaining emotionally productive behavior for one week, your Wellness Points™ enter the Wellness Portfolio™, where they maintain 5% interest.
Can I Gamble With Wellness Points™?
On Casino night, with staff approval, guests may gamble with Wellness Points™.
Can I trade food for Wellness Points™?
No.
What Now?
By checking in, you've declared Emotional Bankrupcy™. Time to start rebuilding your Psychiatric Credit Score™! Consult the activity schedule in the lounge for your first Wellness Points™ activity.
Spirit Engaged, Andrew Schaffer Outreach Coordinator
(Continues...)
Excerpted from When Mystical Creatures Attack! by Kathleen Founds. Copyright © 2014 Kathleen Founds. Excerpted by permission of University of Iowa Press.
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