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Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart
100 Practical Ideas After Your Parent Dies
By Alan D. Wolfelt Center for Loss and Life Transition
Copyright © 2002 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61722-061-6
CHAPTER 1
1.
UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRIEF AND MOURNING
• Grief is what we think and feel on the inside when someone we love dies.
• Mourning is the outward expression of our grief.
• Everyone grieves when someone loved dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.
• Many of the ideas in this book are intended to help you mourn the death of your parent, to express your grief outside of yourself. Over time and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.
• Mourning the death of a parent isn't always easy. As a society, we tend to perpetuate the myth that the death of a parent — particularly an elderly parent — is to be expected and should be "gotten over" quickly. So if you express your grief outside yourself, your friends and even your family may not support you.
• If some of your friends and family are not compassionately supporting your need to mourn, seek out the company of those who will.
CARPE DIEM
Ask yourself this: Have I been mourning my parent's death or have I restricted myself to grieving?
2.
BE COMPASSIONATE WITH YOURSELF
• The journey through grief is a long and difficult one. It is also a journey for which there is no preparation.
• For many people today, the death of a parent is the first death they experience among their close loved ones. This unfamiliarity with death and grief can heighten feelings of disbelief and sadness.
• Be compassionate with yourself as you encounter painful thoughts and feelings.
• Don't judge yourself or try to set a particular course for healing. There is no one way to grieve the death of a parent. There is only what you think and feel and the expressing of those thoughts and feelings.
• Let your journey be what it is. And let yourself — your new, grieving self — be who you are.
CARPE DIEM
If you have the energy, take a walk today through a quiet area of town. Or better yet, get out of town and find a "safe place" in nature. Rest when you're tired and contemplate the ways in which you might take better care of yourself in the coming weeks and months.
3.
DON'T EXPECT YOURSELF TO MOURN OR HEAL IN A CERTAIN WAY OR IN A CERTAIN TIME
• Your unique grief journey will be shaped by many factors, including:
* - the nature of the relationship you had with the parent who died.
* - the age of the parent who died.
* - your age.
* - the circumstances of the death.
* - your family's coping and communication styles.
* - your unique personality.
* - your cultural background.
* - your religious or spiritual beliefs.
* - your gender.
* - your support systems.
• Because of these and other factors, no two deaths are ever mourned in precisely the same way. If both of your parents have died, you may find yourself mourning the two deaths in very different ways or similarly.
• Don't have rigid expectations for your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Instead, celebrate your uniqueness.
CARPE DIEM
Draw two columns on a piece of paper. Title the left column "What I used to think it would be like after my mother/father died." Title the right column "What it's really like." Jot down notes in both columns.
4.
ALLOW FOR NUMBNESS
• Feelings of shock, numbness and disbelief are nature's way of temporarily protecting us from the full reality of the death of someone loved. They help us survive our early grief. I often say, "Thank God for numbness and denial."
• We often think, "I will wake up and this will not have happened." Mourning can feel like being in a dream. The world feels distant, almost unreal — especially the lives of other people. The world turns, but you may not feel it. Time moves, but you may not experience it.
• Your emotions need time to catch up with what your mind has been told. This is true even when death has followed a long illness.
• Even after you have moved beyond these initial feelings, don't be surprised if they reemerge. Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries often trigger these normal and necessary feelings.
CARPE DIEM
If you're feeling numb, cancel any commitments that require concentration and decision-making. Allow yourself time to regroup.
5.
EXPECT TO HAVE A MULTITUDE OF FEELINGS
• Mourners don't just feel sad. We may feel numb, angry, guilty, afraid, confused or even relieved. Sometimes these feelings follow each other within a short period of time or they may occur simultaneously.
• As strange as some of these emotions may seem to you, they are normal and healthy.
• After my father died, I felt the need to try to be "in control," yet I felt out of control. I felt overwhelming sadness, confusion, even some relief that he would no longer struggle as he tried to breathe.
• Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling without judging yourself.
• Talk about your feelings with someone who cares and can supportively listen.
CARPE DIEM
Which emotion has surprised you most since your parent's death? In your mind, single out this emotion for a moment and give it play. Embrace it. Honor it. And affirm it by talking to someone else who has journeyed through grief after the death of a parent.
6.
BE AWARE THAT YOUR GRIEF AFFECTS YOUR BODY, HEART, SOCIAL SELF AND SPIRIT
• Grief is physically demanding. The body responds to the stress of the encounter and the immune system can weaken. You may be more susceptible to illness and physical discomforts. You may also feel lethargic or highly fatigued. You may not be sleeping well.
• The emotional toll of grief is complex and painful. Mourners often feel many different feelings, and those feelings can shift and blur over time.
• Bereavement naturally results in social discomfort. Friends and family often withdraw from mourners, leaving us isolated and unsupported.
• Mourners often ask ourselves, "Why go on living?" "Will my life have meaning now?" "Where is God in this?" Spiritual questions such as these are natural and necessary but also draining.
• Basically, your grief may affect every aspect of your life. Nothing may feel "normal" right now. If this is true for you, don't be alarmed. Just trust that in time, you will find peace and comfort again.
CARPE DIEM
If you've felt physically affected by your grief, see a doctor this week. Sometimes it's comforting to receive a clean bill of health.
7.
EMBRACE YOUR SPIRITUALITY
• Above all, grief is a journey of the soul. It demands you to consider why people live, why people die and what gives life meaning. These are the most spiritual questions we have language to form.
• Since your parent has died, you've probably found yourself contemplating your own death. This is very common. After all, now that our parents have died, our generation is next in line.
• For many people, formal places of worship — churches, synagogues, mosques — offer a safe place and a ritualized process for discovering and embracing their spirituality. If you don't belong to a place of worship, perhaps now is a good time to join.
• For me, spending time alone in nature provides both the solitude and the beautiful evidence of God's existence that I need to nurture my soul.
• We grow, we learn; the spiritual path is a lifetime unfolding process. The death of your parent often inspires this spiritual unfolding. Make the effort to embrace your spirituality and it will embrace you back by inspiring you with a sense of peace, hope and healing.
CARPE DIEM
Perhaps you have a friend who seems spiritually grounded. Talk to this person about his beliefs and spiritual experiences. Ask him how he learned to nurture his spirituality.
8.
TELL THE STORY, OVER AND OVER AGAIN IF NECESSARY
• Acknowledging a death is a painful, ongoing need that we meet in doses, over time. A vital part of healing in grief is often "telling the story" over and over again.
• The "story" relates the circumstances surrounding the death, reviewing the relationship, describing aspects of the personality of the parent who died, and sharing memories, good and bad.
• It's as if each time we tell the story, it becomes a little more real. It also becomes a more integrated part of who we are.
• Find people who are willing to listen to you tell your story, over and over again if necessary, without judgment..
CARPE DIEM
Tell the story to someone today in the form of a letter. Perhaps you can write and send this letter to a friend who lives far away. If you are not a letter writer, find a trusted friend to "talk out" the story. You will know who will be willing to listen and who won't.
9.
HELP ERADICATE THE MYTH THAT ADULT CHILDREN NEEDN'T MOURN WHEN A PARENT DIES
• Here's how the myth goes: Everybody dies. People who have lived a long, full life are expected to die. You're a grown-up; you know these things. You shouldn't be so upset when your parent dies.
• But the death of someone you love, especially someone who played such a big part in your life, is a profound loss. Whether your parent was very old or middle-aged, whether the death was sudden or anticipated, someone you loved and who loved you will never be physically present to you again. Of course you grieve! Of course you need to mourn!
• I find that other adults who've experienced the death of a parent are often empathetic. They've encountered this myth, too, and found it to be totally counter to their experience.
• When the opportunity arises, let others know that the death of a parent is not easy. Expressing your thoughts and feelings will help your community know that grief is timeless and ageless.
CARPE DIEM
If you have a friend whose parent died, talk about this experience. Ask: What was it like for you when your mother or father died? She may welcome the opportunity to express her thoughts and feelings and you may be comforted by the knowledge that you're not alone.
10.
MOVE TOWARD YOUR GRIEF, NOT AWAY FROM IT
• Our society teaches us that emotional pain is to be avoided, not embraced, yet it is only in moving toward our grief that we can be healed.
• As Helen Keller once said, "The only way to get to the other side is to go through the door."
• Note that the phrase "move toward your grief " invites you to take an active role in your healing. Don't think of yourself as a powerless victim or as helpless in the face of grief. Instead, empower yourself to "do something" with your grief — to mourn it, to express it outside yourself, to find ways to help yourself heal.
• Be suspicious if you find yourself thinking that you're "doing well" since the death. Sometimes "doing well" means you're avoiding your pain.
CARPE DIEM
Today, do something to confront and express your grief. Maybe it's time to tell someone close to you how you've really been feeling.
11.
REVIEW YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PARENT WHO DIED
• One way to mourn your parent's death is to think through, write and talk about your relationship with your parent. How did your parent treat you? What words would your parent use to describe you? What did your parent value about you?
• Also think about your feelings for your parent and why those feelings were most prominent. What was your parent like? How did you respond to your parent? How did your parent shape you?
• What was your role in your family? Were you the "smart one" or the "funny one" or the "troublemaker" or the "peacemaker?" How did your role affect your relationship with this parent? How do you feel about this role now that you're an adult?
• I shared a fairly dry sense of humor with my father. At times we would laugh at something that others in our presence wouldn't understand. I miss that! What do you miss that you shared with your parent?
• Ultimately, thinking through these kinds of questions and talking or writing about them may help you reconcile ambivalent feelings and old hurts. You may achieve a sense of peace about your parent and the life the two of you lived side by side.
CARPE DIEM
On a large piece of paper, draw a timeline of your life. Write in significant events and dates. Also write in significant events and dates in the life of your parent. How did your two lives connect? How did your life affect your parent's and vice versa?
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Healing the Adult Child's Grieving Heart by Alan D. Wolfelt. Copyright © 2002 Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Center for Loss and Life Transition.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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