Table of Contents
Top Ten Telltale Signs of an Anger Problem 10
Introduction 11
01 Anger Is Important 13
This Emotional Life 14
Primary Versus Secondary Emotions 16
Anger Is a Three-Stage Process 17
Why People Get Angry 19
A Model for How People Get Angry 21
Anger Is an Embodied Experience 23
02 Anger Gone Awry 27
When Anger Becomes a Problem 28
Healthy Versus Unhealthy Anger 29
Why Are Some People Angrier Than Others? 31
Anger Styles 36
03 Anger Dangers 41
The Anger-Stress Relationship 42
Health Dangers 43
Cognitive and Psychological Dangers 48
Relationship Dangers 49
Vicious Cycles 51
04 How Anger Problems Develop 53
The Context of Human Development 54
Early Attachment 54
Talking about Emotions 56
Empathy and Emotional Coaching 56
Behavior Modeling 58
Parental Conflict 59
Parent-Child Conflict 61
Coercive Family Processes 62
Social Information Processing Deficits 64
Anger in Your Family 65
05 Deciding to Work on Your Anger 67
You Are in the Driver's Seat 68
Taking Responsibility 68
Stages of Change 70
Making the Commitment 73
Using an Intention Statement 76
06 Basic Awareness 79
Becoming Aware of Anger 80
Just Noticing 80
Using an Anger Meter 81
Triggers 83
The Context of Anger 87
Cues to Anger 87
The Aggression Cycle 91
Using an Anger Journal 94
The 3R Method: Relax, Reassess, and Respond 96
07 The 3R Method: Step 1. Relax 97
The 3R Method 98
Learn to Relax 100
Avoid Stereotypical Anger Behaviors 101
Breathing Techniques 103
Muscle Relaxation Techniques 107
Become the "Human Lightning Rod" 110
Calm Your Face 111
Use Humor 112
Distraction 114
08 The 3R Method: Step 2. Reassess 117
Accept Responsibility 118
Practice Empathy 119
Use Compassion 120
Reality Testing 122
Key Questions to Ask Yourself 125
Focus on Opposite Emotions 126
Use Anger As Impetus to Change 127
09 The 3R Method: Step 3. Respond 129
Talking It Out Helps 130
Take Action 130
Engaging with the Other Party 131
Avoid Coercive Behaviors 133
Reward Yourself 134
Handling Setbacks 135
10 Communication and Assertiveness 137
Anger and Communication 138
Active Listening 139
Empathy Responding 140
Reflective Responses 141
Assertiveness 144
The Complaint Sandwich 148
11 Why People Remain Trapped in Anger 151
Unresolved Past Issues 152
Anger, Shame, and Fear 154
The Seductiveness of Anger: Power and Control 156
Chronic Anger Is an Illusion of Power 157
Anger Addiction 159
12 Working Through Intractable Anger 163
Who Needs Anger Work? 164
On Venting and Catharsis 164
Keys to Successful Anger Work 166
How to Do Anger Work: Five Steps 167
Anger Work Methods 169
13 Compassion and Forgiveness 175
Quench Your Anger with Compassion 176
The Trouble with the Human Brain 177
Forgiveness 180
Preparing to Forgive 183
14 Going Deeper: The Role of Thinking 187
The Hidden Cause of Anger: A Case Study 188
"Not Good Enough" 189
Same Situation, Different Emotions 189
Appraisal Theory 190
Perception and Anger 195
Appraisal, Perception, and Psychotherapy: The Cognitive Revolution 196
15 Changing Distorted Thinking 199
Making Thinking Work for You 200
Challenging Irrational Ideas 200
The ABCD Model 201
What Is Rational Thinking? 204
The ABCD Model in Action 210
16 Putting Anger to Good Use 215
Not All Anger Is "Bad" 216
Healthy Anger Has Tremendous Potential for Good 217
Anger Is Information 218
Anger Is Energy 223
17 The Power of Acceptance 227
Anger Management: Acceptance Can Play a Big Part 228
What You Resist, Persists 229
The Basic Principles of Acceptance 229
The Logic of Acceptance 231
Willingness Versus Willfulness 236
Finding the Lesson 237
Connecting with Values 237
The Key Steps of Acceptance 238
18 Mindfulness and Meditation 241
Mindfulness and Anger 242
Mindfulness Meditation: Developing Awareness and Acceptance 244
Living in the Moment 244
The Scientific Studies 246
How to Meditate 248
19 Holistic Health 253
Living a Balanced Life 254
Nutrition 255
Exercise 256
Your Job 257
People in Your Life 259
Strategies for Managing Relationships 262
Time Alone 265
Finances 266
Final Thoughts 266
20 Making Change Happen 269
Approaching Self-Change 270
Genetics Versus Conditioning 271
Ten Rules of Change 272
Setting Goals 276
You Can Do This 278
Appendix: Top Ten Myths about Anger 279
Index 283
